A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I been broken up for about 2 months already. We broke up once and it lasted for 4 months and we both liked other people, but in the end, she came back because of the NC rule and we ended up going back out. We went out for 3 and half years and we lost it to each other. Now we broke up again after going out for 3 months after our first break up..Its been 2 months now with NC and I realized she isn't going to come back again and that I need to try this time because I broke up with her and I was a real a**hole to her, but the reason I was is because I resented her for having sex with this guy during our first 4 month break up. We just ended fighting to much which I needed to end. But now I realized I can't throw away 3 and half years away just like that and that she means the world to me and I really want to try again and accept that we all make mistakes and that I dont need her in my life to be happy, but I want her in my life.But now I went to facebook and saw this picture where shes being held by this guy and the guys facebook picture is also a picture with her in it. I messaged her trying to strike up a conversation and Im just waiting for her reply. My situation is a very complicated one and I would like to hear stories about people that have been close to my situation and what happened in the aftermath. All I need is advice because I regret breaking up and being a d***. I just need to know if there is any hope at all.. please
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 September 2011):
 "But now I realized I can't throw away 3 and half years away just like that and that she means the world to me and I really want to try again and accept that we all make mistakes and that I dont need her in my life to be happy, but I want her in my life."
This here says it all. First off, you're not throwing away 3 and a half years. Just because you were together for so long doesn't men you should continue to stay together. Second, you want to accept that we all make mistakes? What mistake? She didn't make a mistake. How was she to know you would get back together. Probably her having sex with someone else was what enabled her to properly move on from you, so that when you started dating again she could take your relationship from scratch and build it up again. Whereas YOU wanted to pick up where you left off, rebuilding on those 3 and a half years. That, my friend, would have never been possible.
If you want to start a relationship with an ex, which is extremely unlikely to go well, you must NOT focus on recreating what you once had. You must let the past be the past. What you and her had you can NEVER have again. But, you got the chance to start from scratch and build up something new. However, you started fuzzing about what she did when she was single. Which means you were living in the past, you acted as if she cheated on you, and as if she'd been your girlfriend this entire time. You weren't on a break. You were BROKEN UP. That means, once you start a relationship again you MUST start from scratch. Maybe this will help you understand better: when you start up again you can't say "we've been together for 3 and a half years". You must say "We've been together 2 weeks now" etc. You and her were together 3 months, and it didn't work. Don't pull in the 3 and a half years. That's out of the window. You got 3 months with her, and during those 3 months you figured it didn't work.
If you start with her again, forget about the 3 years, and forget about the 3 months, and start ALL OVER AGAIN. Reigniting love gets harder and harder for each time... and you absolutely must let completely go before you can start anew. Your 3 months with her were doomed from the start because you didn't start fresh with her, you didn't let go of what had been.
You don't need her in your life to be happy? Then she's not for you. You're only clinging to her now because you are scared of being alone, or scared of being with someone else. You need to move on. You've not moved on. Even if you've had no contact for 2 months, which is great for moving on, it doesn't mean you're ready yet.
Give her a call and say sorry and what an ass you were if you want to. But you shouldn't aim at getting back with her. You tried it once, and next time is quite likely to end up even worse than last time! Things like these tend to go only one way: down hill.
You asked for personal experience.. well I dated an ex again, and we didn't ask about what we'd been up to sexually in the meantime. You just don't ask questions like that. However, there were little feelings left, and we were pretty much over each other.. and things died by themselves after not too long. I also found my self being more and more annoyed with him, I guess my subconsciousness wanted to tell me that he needed to go! Maybe you were making a fuss about her sex life as single, not because it actually mattered, but because you actually DON'T want to be with her... your feelings for her aren't right for a relationship. I suspect all you work on now is left-over feelings that you better just let die. Once all those old feelings are dead, maybe you and her can give it a go again.
You must accept that even if you and her end up in a relationship, that relationship will be different from the one you first had. Things won't EVER be the same. You must let go of the past, and instead work on figuring out how things can be in the future.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNC means no contact
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (29 September 2011):
*no contact, perhaps? Is that what it means?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 September 2011):
 I thought I was pretty up-to-date on the rules... but can't find the one called "NC".... Care to enlighten me?
(P.S. I'm an old guy!!!!)
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