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female
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*oveshoe
writes: Two weeks ago, he moved 1500 miles away to go to through a two month training for his new job. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me and I love him with all my heart. I've dated a lot of guys and am (still) sure that he is someone I want to marry.He told me on Saturday (April fool's day, no less) that he 'thought' that he'd kissed someone the night before when he was out getting wasted with his training buddies. The whole story finally came out and he told me that he had sex with one of the girls that was down there for training at the same time. He said he couldn't explain to me why it happened, he didn't know why it happened, he was just drunk and he has no explanation... he said that she followed him back to him room.He's never done anything like this before and is genuinely remorseful about what happened... he wants to work it out and says that he loves me even more now since it happened. He's coming home this weekend so that we can talk things through and spend some time together.How do I start healing from this and how do we get through it??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008): right let me just tell you a little bit about my relationship i have been with this guy for 2 years in the space of 2 years he has cheated on me 9 times and thats my own fault cause i took him back the first time we have now split up and i wish i walked away the first time cause i am so heart broken and suicidel its a nightmare do your self a favour get out of there dont put yourself through the hurt the saying is a lepoard never changes his spots and once a cheat always a cheat please dont put your self through it cause i can put my life on it he will do it agen like they will say all the things you want to hear but really its a load of rubbish youy dont deserve to get cheated on no one does seriously dont take him back it will be a big mastake
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female
reader, Velvet Soldier +, writes (18 April 2006):
i was recently woken in the middle of the night by my very drunken partner, crying, and confessing that he'd just slept with someone else. I feel really hurt and detcahed, but deep down i believe he is sorry, and i want to stay with him. I was hoping you could give me some advice on how you are coping.
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female
reader, loveshoe +, writes (10 April 2006):
loveshoe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI took him to the airport (much too) early this morning...
We were only together for about a day, but it helped us so much.
The meeting at first was a bit awkward, his hands were pretty clammy and sweaty!! But after a while, things started feeling a bit normal. We talked about it for a little bit on Friday night, he looked me in the eyes and told me how sorry he was, and I truly believed him. I thought that I was going to be grossed out when I kissed him because I thought that all I'd be able to think about was the other girl, but surprisingly I had very few thoughts about that! Everything he did was so passionate and loving... when we were kissing, I stopped and told him, "You know, I kept wondering if you acted like this with her, but there's no way it would've been like this." He looked at me and shook his head... he said "No... THIS is love, THIS is emotion... it was nothing like this. I LOVE you."
The worst has been after he left today. When I'm with him, I'm fine... I had a bunch of projects that I was supposed to get done today and I haven't finished any of them, including two loads of laundry that are sitting on my bed waiting to be folded. I just can't stop thinking about him -- the good and the bad. Now it's late and I'm feeling just generally depressed and unmotivated, and I have to get up and go to work tomorrow, not to mention I have class tomorrow night. Fortunately my professor is extremely understanding and will probably allow me to turn in my paper that I've been working on next week.
I know that I'll be okay again in a few days, after he left two weeks ago I felt pretty crummy initially, but this time might be worse because of what happened.
Well, I need to get to bed............I'll keep everyone updated on my situation.
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female
reader, bridget +, writes (8 April 2006):
 Hey there
Now that you have given us some more feedback, Id like to wish you all the best as I sincerely think that the guy is willing and has put enough strain on himself now ...
I also think that you both should try again and if he has a
problem with the drinking as you say he might have, then get him some help. You can do this through the GP..
I wish you both all the best in your relationship...
Good Luck
Jacqueline
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female
reader, loveshoe +, writes (8 April 2006):
loveshoe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all of your replies! They've been very thoughtful and insightful.
I think that I should emphasize the fact that this is NOT who he is. I know that alcohol isn't a good excuse, but the more that we've talked about this, the more we're thinking that the alcohol was the major contributing factor. He's decided to give up drinking (or at least drinking to that point of excess). There'd been instances in the past that he did dumb things while he was drinking (usually driving and that sort of thing) and that they've been happening more frequently.
As far as the actual sex part goes, he's gone into the bit of detail that he can remember and described it on both of their parts as just going through the motions, and "zombie-like." He said it was an awful experience and after all was said and done that it's made him appreciate our relationship even more.
Before this transpired, I'd made him a DVD with pictures and movies on it of us... he called me bawling when he saw it and just couldn't stop crying and apologizing... he kept saying "My God, we were so happy... what did I do? Why did this have to happen?"
I asked him if there were any problems in our relationship that I wasn't aware of, he said that he's never been happier in his life and is still stunned by this whole ordeal.
Most guys would never even tell their girlfriends that they cheated, much less the day afterwards. He said that he couldn't even look at himself in the mirror.
I truly believe that we will get through this, and even be stronger for it - and that it will never happen again.
I'm glad that he told me right away, and I'm glad that I've had this week to sort through my emotions and think things through in my head before seeing him. His flight gets in tonight, and he'll be here about a day before he flies back. I'll update you all on the situation when he leaves.
Keep the suggestions coming, though, I really appreciate all of your comments! Thank you so much! :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2006): Judging from your letter, I think you will be able to forgive because it seems both of you are motivated to make it work. It will mean a committed effort from both of you. once this has has been discussed and sorted out in regards to this "cheating incident", it will be vitally important to remember to not give the incident more power than it deserves, by dredging it up. The focus will be finding ways you can move on with your lives together, with a new and improved cheat-proof relationship and it is possible. Good communication will be the key on your road to recovery. Please remember, your anger and betrayal may pop up occasionally and your b/f has to understand this. After all, you will likely be working this out emotionally, for awhile. After you and your b/f get everything out in the open and understand the roots of the cheating, only then, can you both concentrate on re-building the trust and forgiving once and for all. Forgiving your b/f does not mean you will forget what happened, but it will mean that you have accepted what transpired and are ready to move forward without bringing the past into your future as a couple. It will be difficult for you to blindly trust your b/f again, but you must make an effort, as well as your boyfriend. Your trust will strengthen as time goes by and through the convincing actions of your boyfriend. You cannot put him on a leash and monitor him, 24 hours a day, and you shouldn't want to. Do not expect things to magically improve, because you will be disappointed. Re-building the trust, passion and strength in your relationship will take a reasonable amount of time and could even require couple counseling if you feel you both cannot make it on your own. Good luck and I wish you both the best.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2006): Not all guys are remorseful or even honest about cheating, so i do think you have a decent guy there who made a stupid mistake. I can't tell you why he did it but i'm sure there was no emotion involved with this other girl and that it was purely physical and spur of the moment. You may not ever be able to forget what happened but in order for this relationship to continue, you will need to forgive. If you can't forgive him it might be better to end it. I genuinely believe he is sorry, but you won't be able to trust him again over night, it will take time. Just let him do a bit of grovelling first, if he wants you he will do anything to let you know how much u mean to him.If he didnt want u why would he go to this effort? Don't let this ruin your confidence if anything be confident with the fact that it is you he wants, you have nothing to prove and nothing to be sorry for. This can happen to the most beautiful, intelligent women out there so it's nothing personal i'm sure. I wouldn't advise getting revenge either, you are suffering enough, without the guilt you would feel if u cheated on him. Don't stoop to that level, it would be for the wrong reasons. Instead concentrate on making him feel worse by showing what a nice, attractive person u are, make him think 'wow does this woman really deserve me, she's great'.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2006): He bailed on you once...AND He'll do it again, regardless of how remorseful he may genuinely be now. If he blames it on alcohol (which is so cheesy), then he must be telling you that he'll never drink again too. I'm sorry that you have to feel the pain and abandonment of this, but please walk on. Many guys cry and beg for forgiveness after these kinds of things. And we believe them and live in pain so that the relationship won't end. It's just not worth it. Unfortunately the bond between you both is tainted, and will be forever. That is his fault ALONE. Do not take any responsibility for his actions. If you do walk away, please know that you will soon feel immense pride and satisfaction with yourself for doing so. You don't EVER deserve infidelity, even if the cause lies somewhere in your relationship. No man should ever bail on you when the going gets good, or when the going gets tough. It's a huge clue of how this guy will respond to situations for the rest of his life. Forgiveness is always desirable, for your own heart. But forgetting is synonomous with being a doormat, and not respecting yourself, your values, and your needs. Let him work on his issues alone. He can't even tell you why, and that's scary. If you don't know how you got into a situation, how can you avoid getting into it again? Relationships can often grow from infidelity....until it happens again, which it always does. In this world there are those that do it and those that absolutely won't. I'm sorry to say that your guy is one that will. He doesn't value loyalty enough, and believes that he can talk/cry his way through any consequence to get what he wants. If he did it when he was in a good spot in his life, then for sure he'll do it when he's down, which is inevitable in the future. Please be smart about this and realize that while he will cry now...those tears will fade, complacency will set in, and he'll end up in another similar situation a few years from now still not being able to explain why. It's a flaw of his.....are you really prepared to take that on for good?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2006): Well it sounds like you really love this guy...You should give him another chance, but be careful and don't rush into things, he has to regain your trust again.
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female
reader, bridget +, writes (7 April 2006):
Hey there pet..
First of all, It is entirely up to yourself If you
would like to continue this relationship now that
you know what he is capable of.. You might think that
I am being a bit harsh but you should look at the brighter
picture and also on whos feelings are getting hurt the
most... Yours..
I do not believe for one minute that alcohol intake has flowed this through... Yes, I beleieve it messes with your head but even the drunkest person can tell you exactly
what they did.. It really annoys me when people shift
blame to alcohol when they cover up for their actions, the goal in people doing this is so that they can get to miss the point..
If it is his first time cheating, then I guess he deserves another chance if you can let him... If you cant I wouldnt fret, it happens...
The problems you will experience now though (if you keep him) are throught your sexual relationships. Because you will know that he has been with sopmeone else in a cheating manner...
Id suggest you to sit him down and explain that he did really in truly hurt you and that you are not sure if you can find it in your heart to forgive him, but that you will try for the sake of the relationship...
Id only give yourself 3-4 weeks and if yopu cant bear for anymore then give it up...
This way, you will know what it is like when you tried to forgive and forget..
In these cases they dont always work out, most of them, the partner cant take the cheating person back, but in some cases it is known to straighten the relationship up a bit..
Sit and have a good communication session with him though, see and find out what he is willing to do for you...
Good Luck,
Jacqueline
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