A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for about 7 months now. We have been completely in love. It is passionate and intimate and we have talked about long term and how we are what the other hoped to find. He has been divorced for 3 years, was married for about 16. I have met his daughter and his brother. He has been a terrific boyfriend. We have had some fights in the past, and last week, happened to have a few in a row. Granted, I need to work on how I communicate and am not perfect. But yesterday, we were discussing things, and he proceeded to break my heart and end the relationship. He said "I have to break up with you." The first reason was that I could never accept the fact that he had kids (we had a few conflicts over this because it was hard for me in the beginning). When I said this wasn't problematic and that I would be able to handle it because I loved him, he said there was another reason. Then he dropped the bomb that he lied to me about his age. He told me on our first date that he was 45, but he is really 49. He was crying. After he told me, he said he really didn't want to end it with me, but knew he had to because of the lie (i.e., that I would leave him once I found out anyway). Is this forgivable? I adore and love him and saw him as the man of my life. I am 15 years his junior....
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male
reader, WastedLife +, writes (8 August 2008):
Do you love him and does he love you? If yes, why do these other things really matter? Try to put yourself in his shoes - on the first date you want to know about kids and age, and he just wants to be loved for himself. He probably thinks that he must be what you want him to be for you to love him, and it does seem that way. Talk it out and recognize that he's not perfect - he is terrified of revealing himself because of your perceived judgment. See if you can both continue to love each other with your nicks and dents, and even see a counselor if necessary. You have invested a lot of yourselves into this relationship, and you would best give it the benefit of the doubt. I'm sure you both have your deficiencies and fears - we are all only human. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK, thank you everyone for giving the advice. We moved on and things really have been great! We've been talking long term and frankly about having our own family some day (he already has 2 kids (or so I thought) with his ex wife. Well, last night, he wanted to come over and I knew something was weird! He came in and said, I love you....and I said, I know, I love you too! And then he sat me on the couch, and I thought, oh no, here it comes, he is going to break up with me or something. Then he said, I really have 3 kids, not 2, this all goes back to our first date (about 9 months ago), where he told me he was 45 with 2 kids. 2 Months ago he told me he was really 49, but didn't come clean about the kids until now!!! I don't understand it. I know a lot of it is that he is insecure about his position in life. And on our first date, I asked him those questions of how old are you? Are you divorced? Kids? Maybe that was too much. But either way, he really should have told the truth sooner . . . it feels manipulative and deceptive and just plain weird. Any thoughts? I told him I just needed to be alone and think about it. I also told him I was disappointeed, hurt, sad and felt very alone--which is all true. How can you trust someone after this kind of beginning? Help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): So your problem is not really with his age. He's breaking off the relationship and you don't really know why. The age thing seems like a convient excuse. Personally I would talk to him again to find out what's going on, however you might not like the truth and might as well just accept what you've been told and move on.
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A
male
reader, WastedLife +, writes (4 June 2008):
Men(and women) are put in the preposterous position that they almost must lie about their age. Women online sort based on age, so what are we to do? They don't know us and eliminate us based on a number. I have tried being honest about mine, and it's near devastated me. For the most part, anyone I am interested in gets immediately turned off by MY number - my age. We may meet and even sleep together and that's OK unless it comes to numbers. I'm sure your bf is really worried about the perception of his age as a number to be sorted against. Any age ending with 9 is confronting, unless it is a single digit. Do your best to keep and improve what you have - you both will be much happier. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for your feedback.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify, it is kind of weird to me as well, why he made it such a big deal and why he didn't just take a moment of honesty to tell me. It came out in a moment of conflict after he had thrown in the towel....and according to him, he thought when he told me about his real age, it would be over and he figured he would have to end it anyway. He said he really didn't want to end it, but felt he HAD TO because he had been perpetuating the lie. Some of it doesn't make sense...it makes me scratch my head.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe age doesn't bother me, but rather HOW it came out. He basically broke up with me for other incompatibility reasons (saying he didn't see us long term), then used the "lie" as the ultimate reason why he HAD to break up with me. I guess it makes me worry that he really doesn't see me as long term material.
After he told me about his real age and after I didn't get mad about the lie and still said I loved him, he backtracked a lot and said he loved me and wanted to work it out. Granted, we were fighting a lot, and people say alot of things in the heat of the moment, but I worry.
I agree that the kid issue will be a challenge for me, but given that I love him, I want to conquer it and will do my best.
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female
reader, Susan Strict  +, writes (2 June 2008):
 Oh good grief, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
He's 49 and he told you he was 45. So what? If every relationship broke up because of a silly and insignificant untruth, then most of us would be on our own.
Far more important is whether you can fully accept the importance of his kids to him, and I suspect that the root of the problem is there and not with the untruth about his age.
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A
female
reader, toggs +, writes (2 June 2008):
 can you live with a relationship based on a lie? do you trust him now and do you see your self having isues about it again. you have to choices and thats either forgive him and never mention it again or it will ruin your relationship in the end or you think long and hard and end it. once you have been lied to is very hard to gain the trust back it depend on what kind of person you are.
hope this helps
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (2 June 2008):
 It depends. Do you love him enough to allow an additional 4 years difference? They say, "true love" conquers all. I guess this will be yout test of whether it does for you or not.
I'd definately make sure he doesn't have anything else hiding to find out later, which may cause "real" relationship issues.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (2 June 2008):
 Aside from the relationship conflicts, I will answer your particular question about lying about his age.
If he lied from the beginning about his age, I am sure that he couldnt find the right moment to tell you the truth and so is surfaces 7 months later....
I definately think this is forgiveable. He probably lied b/c 49 is close to 50 and 45 sounds a little better. And you being in your 30's, still considered young and vibrant, he probably didn't want to be thought of as an "old fart."
As long as you two can work out your other problems and he hasn't lied about anything else that is important, this is hardly worth worrying about!
Take Care!
P.S. I dont understand why he made it such a big deal? Is something missing from the story?
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