A
female
age
41-50,
*annygirl
writes:My BF of five years has been "hitting the pub" a lot recently. He goes through these little independence phases every once in a while. I sit at home with our two boys and wait. Then he says he will come home ina few hours and doesn't. On the contrary he will stay out very late and then tell me I am the greatest and yadda yadda. If I try to talk to him he says I am trying to control him etc... What should I do? Am I being a nag?? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Carina  +, writes (27 April 2007):
 There are two issues here. The first is hwther or not your boyfriend is becoming dependent on alcohol. This would explain why he feels the need to go to the pub so often. If you have any fears of this then I would contact someone like Al-Anon (UK) and get some advice before it gets out of hand.
However, if he's doing this for 'independence' and 'space' then you need to talk to him about it. Keep calm and start by telling him you love him and you understand his feelings because you have them too! Then suggest, as the previous answer says, that you'd also like an evening to yourself and that the children need to spend time with him too. Try to discuss this with him without getting angry. Whatever you do, avoid telling him what you think he should do (otherwise he'll go down the 'controlling' argument). Instead ask what he thinks you can both do about it, as if you're asking for his advice.
You are certainly not being controlling at all. He is using this to make you feel bad. He's the one who is doing the wrong thing and he probably knows it and feels guilty about it. Calm, rational communication is the name of the game. Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2007): NO WAY UR NOT BEING A NAG AT ALL HE EXPECTS U TO SIT AT HOME WITH UR BOYS WHILE HES OUT WITH HIS RUNNING AROUND.I SAY TRY TO COMPROMISE ask if u can go out and do something atleast one nite a week w/out worrying abt your babies while he stays at home then he will see where your comin from all the time and appreciate u more.thats my suggestion if he cant do that well i would have a big problem with that after all their his kids also and he should also have some responsibility for them too!!!!! stand up for yourself with this one then you can have some much needed time for yourself.
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