A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 3 years. I have mentioned to him several times recently that I feel like I don't see him enough - he spends most weekends with his friends and I often don't hear from him at all during the weekend, plus he is also busy with hobbies and occasionally work most weeknights so I see him once a week max for a couple of hours. I feel like his friends get all of his quality time and I am left with the 9-12 slot on a Tuesday or whatever. Since talking to him hasn't worked, I decided to stop being available to see him every time he asked. I figured he wasnt changing because he didnt have to and was hoping it would force him to realise things can't always be on his terms (ie he can't say he is busy 6 nights out of 7 and expect me to arrange my social life so I am free the one night he isn't with his friends - something I have been doing up until now). However he called me tonight (at 9.30pm) asking me to see him and when I said no because it was too late he got pretty snappy towards me. I asked him what he was up to tomorrow and he made a sarcastic comment about how he couldn't do anything with me because it would be too late by then, before asking me how I liked being blown off for no reason. I ended up telling him I thought he was out of order for having a go at me for not dropping everything to visit him as soon as he asks after hearing nothing from him since Friday, and he said that I hadn't made an effort to call him either so I am just as bad. Thats true but the thing is I know if I text/called him he would speak to me for about 5 mins before going back to his friends as usual, and I'd end up feeling neglected again. I am now really upset because all I want is to feel important to him without having to ask. Has anyone got any advice? Am I just wasting my time with him? Or is he right and it's as much my fault as it is his?
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (22 December 2012):
Hi. It sounds like the relationship with your boyfriend has always been this way.
Or at least for quite some time.
Maybe not so much in the very beginning, otherwise you probably would not have stayed with him.
How often did you see each other during the first 6 months to a year?
Or more to the point, how long now has he been going out with his friends and doing his hobbies 6 days out of 7?
If up until recently, you haven't said anything to him about wanting to see him more often, well then he's probably gradually got into a pattern of behaviour where he assumes that it's okay with you - because you have said nothing so far.
And if this is true, well then he could be wondering why all of a sudden you NOW want him to dedicate more of his free time to you.
After so long of all this unbridled freedom.
So as I was saying before, taking action of your own - by having a LIFE of your own - is by far your best course of action right now.
And it's not a minute too soon, either.
If he complains that you didn't call him, and you could have called him - as an excuse for why he didn't call you earlier - well then, why DIDN'T he call you?
It takes about 2 minutes to make even a very quick phone call.
So he's not that busy that he can't spare 2 minutes out of his day to call you, surely.
So that's a very poor excuse indeed.
What you really want to do from now on, is in your quiet times, have a serious think about what you really feel about him.
And also think about how he continues to treat you over this past 3 years, and how it makes you feel.
And think about all the negative things about the relationship.
Also, think about what your few hours a week with him is actually like.
When he is with you, is he watching the time?
Does he seem happy and relaxed with you?
Or does he seem like it's just something to cross off his "to do" list for that day?
So what I mean by that, is does he seem in a bit of a hurry for it to be over - so he can go out with his mates again?
And also, what - if any - are any good things about him that you genuinely like?
And please DON'T say "great sex"!
And if "great sex" is pretty much all there is, well then you have an answer, don't you?
And if during that couple of hours each week that you DO see each other, IS just having sex, then he showers and leaves and you don't go out, well then Friends With Benefits is about all it probably is.
This is just some of the important things to think about while making up your mind about him, once and for all.
And if after careful consideration, you decide that FWB is all it is, well then don't call him to end it - do NOTHING.
Just go out with your friends and have fun and don't be available to him anymore, should he ever call you again.
And as I was saying earlier, even if he DOES call and you are at home and answer the call yourself, tell him you are unavailable and are on your way out, so you can't talk.
Then hang up the phone.
DO NO give him any explanation.
And say this even if you are NOT going out, because he's not to know.
The main thing as I also said earlier, is that you DON'T want him to think you are sitting around by the phone - waiting for his call.
That's the LAST thing you want him to think, because he then knows he has you where he wants you.
And then he just continues to take you for granted.
He needs to know that you are your own person, and that you refuse to be treated badly by anyone.
And also, that you expect only the best from life for yourself, and will NOT accept anything less.
While ever you answer his call - up until now - and say "Yes" to him, you allow him to keep on doing this.
You have never made him accountable for his actions.
So NOW is the time to do that.
Actions speak louder than words.
NO phone calls or texts to him anymore - let him contact you from now on.
And if it happens that you hear nothing at all, well then if it gets to be 2 weeks to about a month, consider it is then time for you to move on - without him.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2012): Hi, these points might sound dated but try to see sense in them. You both aren't married so technically he has no obligation to devote his time to you. Also since you both aren't married you are not obliged to offer him sex for whatever reason, because he has not earned that right by making you his wife. When people date, they are in no position to make claims & demands on each other. When people are married, they have no excuse to deny each others needs. So my dear, the thought that shall be left with you is this: If you have no intention to be his wife, then you have no basis for complaining about his lack of commitment to spending time with you. Also, if you are not sure of his intentions of being in an exclusive relationship with you in the first place, you will not know wether or not you both ultimately want the same thing. Honestly ask yourself if his wife is what you eventually want to become. When that is out of the way, let him know where you stand in the relationship. When he knows where you stand this knowledge should put him & his priorities into perspective. If you are special to him, he will realize this & will give you the time you want, if he is stubborn well that's your answer
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (19 December 2012):
 Water takes the path of least resistance. that means it will flow down the easy way...
your boyfriend is like water... he wants it easy. He will take it if it's easy (not saying YOU are easy but the fact that until recently he could call and say jump and you would say how high is the key)
the fact that you are now properly demanding proper treatment has him in a tizzy. He's losing the easy part.
I don't know if when you see him you have sex but if all you do when you spend these few hours together is have sex honey he's not a Boyfriend he's an FWB.
If you know that calling him will make you feel bad (and you have told him all these things already) then no you are not at fault.
IF he always calls at the last minute and expects you to be available then he's selfish and inconsiderate.
GET a LIFE... be busy like he is.... I think you will find the strength to leave him sooner rather than later.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (19 December 2012):
Hi there. It definitely seems that your boyfriend has a very low priority for his relationship with you, don't you think?
It almost seems like you are at the very BOTTOM of that list.
From what you have said here, everything else comes first.
It seems like he calls you when he wants sex - once a week, and then gets annoyed because you said "No" to him.
And you were quite within your rights to do so, under the circumstances.
He probably called you right at the last minute, and expected you to simply fit in with his tight social schedule.
That is very unfair of him, and also very unreasonable.
You did the right thing in saying "No" under those circumstances.
Perhaps he doesn't really want a relationship now, because he sure as hell doesn't seem to have the time, does he?
His life is pretty full.
And it's blatantly obvious, that relationships are very low on his list of priorities.
If I were you, it would be a great idea for you to start having a social life of your own with your own friends, and go out and start having fun yourself.
But DON'T go to the places you know you frequently goes to with his own friends.
You DON'T want to bump into him, after all.
That would just look as though it was planned and it could definitely be rather awkward to say the very least, if you did bump into him.
And it would also spoil your evening as well.
So DON'T go down that path.
And don't worry too much about him telling you it's your fault also, just because you didn't call him.
That's rubbish.
After 3 years together, one would certainly expect much better treatment from a boyfriend than this.
It just seems to me, like he doesn't care.
You deserve much better than this, that's for sure.
You are way too good for him.
And if he does call and you are out socializing, well then it will serve him right for taking you for granted the way he does.
And it goes without saying, please DO NOT make any contact with him from now on.
If anyone is going to initiate contact, let it be him.
Even if you don't hear from him for 1 or 2 weeks, still DON'T contact him, and no text messages either.
This way he knows you are not just sitting around waiting for him to call, as may be the case at the moment.
You DON'T want him to think that at all.
And if he does call and you are there, and you answer it yourself, just say - "Hi, how are you?" - And then say - "Look, I can't talk now, I am on my way out, see ya!"
Even if you are NOT going out at all, he's not to know that, now is he?
It's not like he's going to check up on you, is it?
His life is SO busy, he doesn't have the time!
And say no more than that.
And let him wonder.
And if you can hide your car in the garage, in case he does drive past, all the better.
Another thing you could do after that - if you want to - is to get in your car and go for a drive and dress up before you go out - pretend you are going out somewhere - and drive somewhere and see your friends, or just drive around for a couple of hours.
Just to keep things interesting.
The bottom line here is, he truly is taking your for granted.
There is someone MUCH better out there, waiting for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2012): If you want to spend more time together why not go out with his friends (and him) or do hobbies together?
Maybe something is up with him and he's trying to keep himself busy?
If not, id dump his ass! Shouldnt treat someone you love like that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2012): He sounds like a right tosser! I'd dump him straight away and find someone who gives a damn about you!
If I had a girlfriend I'd blow my friends off to spend time with her!
it's not a relationship of you're only together for a few hours 1 day a week, really, is it?
How can you be in a relationship like that?
Sounds like he's only with you for a bit of lovin' on the side, then back to his little boy ways.
Hopefully you'll have the strength to leave him and find someone who will treat you like a princess.
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