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age
41-50,
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writes: Dear agony aunts and uncles I am having a slight problem with my bf he never initiates sex. We have been together for almost a year and I can remember only about five times when he has and we have sex at least four times a month I asked him why and he said his drive is not as high as mine! We are in a long distance relationship and see esch other every two weeks I dont understand why he is not yearningbfor bmp me after the wait. I asked him if he could change this but he said he cant change his sex drive. It is making me feel very unatractive and I want to just stop the sex and wait until he comes to me....why is he not improving the situation....and is my celibate plan going to work?
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celibate, long distance, sex drive Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (28 January 2014):
Dear OP,
I agree with Cerberus, some people just have lower sex drive. Even men. Of course you can come up with all kinds of theories about why he doesn't fancy you and how he might be cheating behind your back or just use you as an alibi because he's gay or that he's so deploited because he's watching porn all the time..
.. but why not just believe what he says? After all, has he given you any reason to distrust him?
It sounds like you just can't accept who he is and now you want to change him. But I doubt you can. Evaluate your relationship as a whole - is it worth pursuing? If yes, you will have to live with this problem and welcome it as part of life. Nobody gets everything out of a relationship! Something's always difficult, or missing, or unsatisfying. If it's not the sex, it's the communication, or the sharing of duties, or the money, or the attractivity, or the faithfulness etc.. The question is if everything else is good enough to compensate for it.
A
female
reader, dcgirl15  +, writes (28 January 2014):
It sounds to me like the bigger problem is that you feel unattractive around him. I've dated someone with a lower sex drive than me. It didn't work out for various reasons unrelated to the sex drive problem. (I'm now with someone who has a sex drive that matches mine and I'm personally much happier.)
I would evaluate how much sex itself is important to you. Do you want to be with this person regardless of the amount of sex you have? If you do, then I would sit down and talk about it. Perhaps the real problem is that you don't feel complimented enough by him? Maybe he just needs to share thoughts such as "you look really good in those pants" when he has the thought?
I don't know; only you can answer these questions! It doesn't have to be the end of the relationship but, at the same time, it's nice to have a partner verbally/physically appreciate you and there are other ways to have that feeling than sex!
Just know that this isn't an unusual problem, other people have had it! You're not alone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2014): I don't get your confusion or how you're not seeing this when he's told you clearly he just has a low sex drive and I'm sorry but those female anon replies are just ridiculous.
It's nothing to do with you and you're not going to be able to change it, it's just how he is.
For your plan to work he has to be lying about his reasons and do you really think he's been lying to you for a year?
I'm sorry OP but after a year of him only initiating 5 times I'd have thought you'd have figured this out by now. There's nothing wrong with him or you he just has a low sex drive, not every man is a raging hornball we all have varying sex drives.
There's nothing wrong with having a low sex drive, plenty of people do. But it can lead to sexual incompatibility if the other partner has a higher sex drive. He's not broken, OP so you can't fix him.
Everything in society says people are supposed to want sex all the time and that it's important, not everyone is like that though. He obviously isn't.
By all means try whatever you want to change that, it won't work but at least you can say you tried.
The thing is OP celibacy for a person with low sex drive is like a fart in the breeze, he'll probably be perfectly fine with it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 January 2014):
 I'm in a very similar situation. I have a much higher drive than my much younger husband. It's very upsetting and you think you are not important to him or you don't turn him on.
I've learned for us this is not true, my hubby just BARRELED into middle age and his drive dropped to practically NIL. He used to be a big porn watcher... not any more (we joke that now I"m the porn watcher in the family)... he's got NUTHIN.
we were LDR for the first year and I saw him every weekend and at first we were like rabbits... now married a year... maybe once every 6 weeks...
it's not that he's not into me
it's not that he's cheating
it's not that he's watching porn
it's just that his drive is lower.
He is my spouse and I love him so I will deal with it.
I am also nearly 54 so for me I can cope. I am not sure at 30-35 with an LDR boyfriend I would be happy with this... should you end the distance, it will ONLY GET WORSE.
Will your plan work? it might work in terms of getting sex once in a while, but it will NOT work to make you feel wanted or loved.....
I think you just have very differing drives and may have to consider ending the relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2014): Consider the possibility that your boyfriend is really not that into you. He may also be having another relationship on the side.
Sex is important to you. Trying to deal with someone who admits he has a very low sex-drive when you are super-charged; is only going to be a problem with no solution. He lives far away and you feel deprived.
It may be in your best interest to find a relationship that you don't have to sacrifice anything, and you should have everything you need.
Dump him, and move on.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (28 January 2014):
It may work, but it probably means you'll have to wait even longer for sex. The truth is likely that you do have a higher sex drive than him and that will very likely never change.
There is a slight chance he's bored, but given how little time you've been together and the fact you only have sex a few times a month that's doubtful. If you think it's a possibility, try finding ways to spice things up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2014): He probably has a big porn habit. They only have a sex drive for porn.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2014): he might be gay; im almost sure he is .....been there.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (28 January 2014):
 Your celibate plan might work, but everyone is different and who knows? The libido of some people differs and change from time to time.
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