A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend are in a serious relationship. We have talked about marriage and know that we want to be with each other forever but the past month there have been some fights and things haven't been picture perfect. I see this as growing but he has gotten frustrated. I know this is about 30% of the problem-he told me. The main thing that is going on though is this: Last month he told me that he was scared about the relationship. He felt like he could either let go and trust me and be in this relationship or shut down. Since then we have been through a series of one week breaks and what not, and two days ago he completely broke up with me. He says that he needs time to work on himself and that if he doesn't do it now then he will just do it 40 years from now and it will cause problems in our marriage anyways. He still tells me he loves me, misses me, calls every day, and doesn't even want to take my pictures down. It's like he thinks we can just move on and when things are figured out with him we can be together again. Obviously, this isn't easy for me. I feel like the whole idea of pushing me away to deal with things himself is the problem. I feel like he needs to let me help him, but then again I get all this advice saying I can't push him or be needy. I love him with all my heart and don't know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): Please please please listen to JujuBeans. Oh please do!!!Girlfriend, look at your facts: 1. He left you. He ended it. It's over. 2. He "said" he wasn't going to see anyone else. Him not looking for someone new is code for: "I don't want you, and I want no one else to have you, and I want you to be available if I change my mind and I want you to receive me when I summon you in any way. Essentially, I don't want you, but I want to practice control over you."His sales skills are stellar. One of the best. He was sweet, nice, played the I-was-abused-card, tender, believable... Nice job. He wrapped that presentation up in a big pretty package and sprinkled it with sugary confetti. In that final moment he looked so good, but he had as much class as a school on Christmas Day. Let's do the old delete-everything-of-his-move and push "ignore" when those calls come in. Dates are like a bus terminal: just show up and choose your ride. Have fun in your new life!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all, Thank you guys all SOOO much for the time and energy and thought you have taken to thoughtfully answer my question. It means a lot and has given me strength. I just wanted to update a little. My boyfriend came down this weekend and we ended things. He sat with me and tried to make me feel ok about it but assured me that he loved me and wanted to be with me, but that he just knew inside there were things he had to take care of. It was the same thing he has been saying he just wanted to talk more and explain what he was going through. He has endured great abuse and told me this which was the first time he has ever told anyone. Once he realized that our relationship was one that he wanted to persue a marriage in, it took him off guard and he said it brought him to the realization that he needed to face these issues from his past or he knows it will effect him as a husband and father. He says this situation was the first real motivation to fix these things, but he has always known this was something he had to do. He ensures me that he isn't interested in meeting anyone new and I believe this full heartedly. I know his character in this department and he will be fine. I know this isn't a last hooray or anything either, he is not much of a partier or bar goer. I guess I am just going to have to sit here and wait? I just miss him so much. I also don't know what is going to be best for me-to answer his calls and accept the random invitations to hang out or disconnect fully? I feel like I should be here for him though if he needs to talk.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2009): Emilysanswers said it right on. Read both of her entries and take those to heart.
Let people go.
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female
reader, JuJuBeans +, writes (11 April 2009):
I agree with Emily. If you chase him, call him, nag him, make him talk about how you're feeling, he'll shut down or take off.
Your best course of action is to tell him you're giving him his space, and that you're going to move forward with your life. Then, cut off contact, and for pete's sake, stop taking his daily phone calls. This is as much for your sanity as it is for him to get a good dose of life without you.
Best of luck!
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female
reader, Stars20 +, writes (10 April 2009):
 Does she really have to leave it up to him to choose? He can only make it more complicated and leave her "in limbo". To an extent where it can turn out to be manipulative. It happened to me. That's when an opportunity to emotionally abuse her may arise. To a point where he can have the freedom to fault her for his inadequacies or to fault her for a failing relationship. She needs to step up and say, "you know what? I think you really do need time to think about it. Go home and analyze yourself because I ALREADY KNOW WHAT I WANT." He can take it any way he wants to. This can only prove your own assertivenesss and it defines yourself to him. If he comes back, then it was meant to be. If he doesn't than thank god for liberating you from a future head ache. Go on and research guys! Pile a bunch of "cute male friends" study them like a book and choose which is best for you. Remember you have the last say in your OWN LIFE. After all I suffered this is what I am doing from now on.
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (10 April 2009):
I think that by hanging around and endlessly talking and adding more emotional layers to the situation will only make him more confused and conflicted.
He obviously has problems and you need to make it simple for him.
Does he want you or not?
He can either have you with the full deal or not at all. Give him time to think about it and tell him you love him and want to be with him but he has to choose what he wants on his own.
Good Luck!! xx
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female
reader, Stars20 +, writes (10 April 2009):
I don't think he's a commitment guy. If I were you, I would not waste time with him. You sound like me when I was meeting my ex. He had the same characteristics as your boyfriend. We got married (because I got pregnant and some how he felt he had to take responsibility, or was afraid of my brothers) but as time passed by he just couldn't take it anymore and walked out. It completely messed up my life. If you are a woman who believes in commitment, a family life, stability then he is not the right choice for you. I learned about it the hard way. He left me alone with a child, abandoned me, walked out of the apartment leaving me with unemployed and with bills, on top of it all gave me a divorce. I was dum enough to believe him when he said that maybe after the divorce we can go back together again, and that it would be better that way. The situation got worse, I went through rejection, and emotiona/psychological abuse. He doesn't even come to see his son because he prefers to be in an "out side liberal relationship" with other women, live alone, live freely, without a past, or responsibilities. I was blinded thinking that he loved me because he did express it. But ACTIONS SPEAKS LOUDER THAN WORDS. This saying is so true. So please, move on, look into new and better options. Don't ruin your future with a man who is obvious not compatible to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI feel like leaving him be for awhile is a good idea, but I am worried this could potentially be worse given his type. He has lost of past issues and I feel like he may expect me to leave him or feel he doesn't deserve me so let me go even if he doesn't want to. I know that makes it may more complicating. After a couple of these talks we have had where he pushes me away he says to make sure I "make him tell me how he feels" I don't ever know how to react to this ?! I know this comment makes sense to him though and I feel like it may mean that he has a problem with detaching when things get too serious or he feels himself being vulnerable...
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female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (10 April 2009):
Let me tell you that the absolute worst thing you could do right now is chase him, talk to him, be there for him or try and talk this out.
He's having doubts and you have to show him how he's risking losing you.
Tell him you are leaving him to it and then cut contact. Tell him it's too painful to keep seeing him and you are going to prepare for the worst.
Then let him sit on his own for a while, and go out with your girlfriends and be unavailable to him and enjoy yourself.
When he sees what an idiot he is being and how much he's missing you and how you are getting offers elsewhere he will come after you.
Men tend to not appreciate what they have till it's gone so be strong and let him see how much he ACTUALLY loves and needs you.
Good Luck!! xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): It depends on how much time he needs to get himself together. I can understand how you feel but give him the time he needs, he must love you if still contacts you everyday. Only time can tell on this one.
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