A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Am I in the wrong?My parents are away on holiday and my brother has been left home alone (he's just turned 18, can't cook but he can heat up soup and do beans on toast) and my parents have asked if I can go out each day to cook supper and make sure the dishes are done, house is neat and help him with studies if needed and I said yes. My bf wants to go to his uncles at the weekend and stay over then on Sunday we go to a concert so that would mean not going to my brothers two days in a row....I said how about we go to his uncles Saturday and come home so I only skip Saturday with my brother and have dinner with him Sunday then we go into town for the concert and he lost it saying my brother can fend for himself for two days but I tried to explain that I know he'll be fine it's the fact I told my parents I would go out but he thinks I'm being a b***h basically. Am I? He's really making me feel like one.
View related questions:
on holiday Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2015): Get your lazy 18 year old bruv to wash his own pots and learn basic cooking skills, and tell mom when she gets back to stop mommy coddling her son and making him useless. Some 18 year olds are and have been in service, young men,you are all spoiling your brother. Phone him and tell him to make sure the house is tidy and clean before they get back, do an evening phone call check for safety...is the gas off etc. See how you are taking care of somebody who could be 5 years old, who by 18 should be fully independent, self sufficient and respectful of his parents home. What will he grow up into? a lazy bastard that expects every one else to clean up after him, parents fault.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2015): WAIT....He called you a b? Even though I really think your bro could fend for himself that is no reason for your boyfriend to verably abuse you. Does he swear at you and call you bad names everytime he does not get his way?Does he have a temper? You are not a b and will never be a b.I can see since you think you are being one that your self esteem is already going down. Classic signs of how an abuser starts out.Red flags everywhere with this. A normal man would not have done this. A normal man would have been grown up enough to go on his own or stay home without having to insult you. iIf it were me I would be packing my bags and go stay at my parents house only because I am better than that.The nerve of him for calling you a b. You should be very mad at him for that. Why you are not has me very worried about you.[Mod note: to this anon aunt, the accepted usage for typing sentences is to include a space after the period. I have done this for you in your answer to make it more legible. I hope you see this! ;) ]
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 October 2015):
 If your bf actually called you a b.... over a disagreement, then he is wrong on principle. But if he means that you are over protective and hyperfussy, then he is right.
First, unless he is a special needs kid , I can't believe that an 18 y.o. boy ,in a pinch,can't scramble himself an egg or grill a burger or some other basic thing ( and I am even an Italian mom !). That's not acceptable. If he is in this state of learned helplessness, of course that's not your fault- but you should not actively encourage and ENABLE him to stay in it.
Secind, ... what terrible thing would happen if he had to go two days without a cooked meal ? Can't he eat, say, fruit, cheese, and cold cuts for two days ? He will survive.
As for the dishes, that's another thing that's not beyond his forces at 18, but suppose he is totally adverse to dish washing; well, for two days just buy him a few paper cups and plastic plates ; make this investement of about one pound then go merrily on your way .
The neat and tidy house ? Yeah teenagers
are not famous for being houseproud, but, really what does it happen even if he does not tidy up for two days ?! Nothing- you'll just go there the third day and will help him clean up. (HELP him, not do all the job for him ).
I understand your bf's annoyance ( although, again, I do not condone him calling you names if he did ).
One thing is being a responsible, attentive older sister, and all another wanting to babysit a grown up guy !
"But I promised " you say. And I commend you for not reneging on your promises, but- it depends. Did you exactly commit to go see your brother every single day rain or shine,no matter what ? Or, your parents' expectation was, more reasonably, that you'd keep an eye on little bro and assist him as much as possible, but always compatibly with your schedule and personal engagements ? In short- if something important comes up, for once you can skip the daily inspection ?....
I'd think it's the second case. Otherwise, if your brother is so irresponsible that at 18 he can't be left home alone one day - then, pardon me,but they should not just leave fobbing him on you.
Btw, even if it's the first case- you'd be tricking and bending the rules anyway, wouldn't you ? If you have sworn that you'll go see your brother every day- even skipping ONE day is a breach of promise.
However, I suppose there's a simple way to solve the dilemma. Call your parents and tell them that you are planning a weekend out of town and you'll check on your brother ( who anyway can always get hold of you by phone , I guess, in case he needs it ) Sunday night or Monday morning.
If the say : Cool, have fun, - then no problem.
If they object " But you had promised... ! You committed for every day ! "... then alas you'll have to stay put and let your bf go alone. ( But in this case, next time your parents leave ... tell them to hire a professional babysitter for KidBrother ! )
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (7 October 2015):
 Wait. Your brother is an adult and you are expected to tidy up the house he lives in, do his dishes and help him study?
Ah. So he's a special needs student then.
I'd spend the time with him teaching him how to cook a few dishes, show him how to wash the dishes. I'd ask his fellow students to help him do his work so he doesn't fall behind.
Can he work a microwave or an oven? You could cook a few meals, freeze or refrigerate them and leave him very explicit instructions as to how to reheat them.
If your parents are asking you to check in him daily because they don't trust him, then that's between then and him. You could ask a neighbor to keep an eye out just in case.
Alternatively, bring your brother along for the weekend so you can keep an eye on him and make sure he's not eating tinned dog food in desperation.
You're not a b**** but you have just agreed to babysit a grown up. I wonder why?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 October 2015):
 I DO think your brother is old enough to cook himself something edible and do the dishes ALL by himself, if not.. well, this is a good time for him to learn.
And you can CALL him to check in and see how he fares. It's TWO days.
I seriously hope when you DO go check up on him that you don't DO the dishes and clean the house FOR him. HE is 18! not 8.
I understand your BF, but he didn't have to be so pissy about it, IMHO.
He can also make himself some noodles - I mean HOW hard it is to boil a pot of water, toss in some salt and later some noodles, set a timer and voila! Noodles! He can scramble an egg or two or make an omelet and toast.
My 11 year old can make herself quite a few things already, my 13 and 15 year old can make a meal -and your 18!! year old brother can LOOK in a cookbook or online for a recipe and follow instructions!
He will BE fine on his own without being supervised and "babied" for 48 hours. And I "think" your parents will understand that you spend that week-end with your BF.
I'd just make sure he can reach you if he needs ACTUAL help with something.
Now if you feel like you HAVE to do this for your brother, then TELL your BF to go without you. You can meet up with him Sunday. After all I doubt you are joined at the hip with your BF.
...............................
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (6 October 2015):
 Hi,
you feel 'torn' between your love for your brother and your love for your bf.
Your parents, in a true sense, have placed pressure upon you, by asking you to take care of him over those few days, however, you have your own life and more importantly, your brother is actually 'old enough' and 'smart enough' to take care of himself, or at least to start taking some major responsibilities for himself.
Nobody is doing this young man any favours by babying, taking care of him.
He is old enough to learn new daily self-survival skills and he ought be more independant now that he is a young man.
If he is continually babied, he will, in years to come, be a co-dependant partner/man, who can do nothing for himself, nor for his future partner, or anybody in a social setting, for that matter.
If he is lazy, if he is irresponsible, if he isn't shown the ropes, how to be independant, he is going to be of no real use to anybody and nobody will ever wish to be with him, as a potential partner.
It's important that you stay true to your word and i can hear, through your msg, how respectful of your parents and your brother you are, however, you and your bf have needs too and your bf has a point, although he shouldn't get upset about the situation, he can simply talk with you calmly and rationally about the matter.
Losing 'our cool', helps nobody.
I guess in the end, it's not up to your bf, nor anybody else, to inform you of what you should, nor shouldn't do, however, for the sake of your young 'adult' brother, you are doing him a real disservice, if you baby him, the way your parents obviously do.
I agree with one previous reader, who said it is most likely your mother, who is babying your brother and worried about him, whilst he's alone.
I can't imagine that your father would be this worried, because as a man himself, he'd be more inclined to encourage independance and even demand it.
Why don't you leave all your plans with your bf as they are, don't change anything, but prepare a few meals for your brother from your own home, then simply drop it off and check in on him at the same time.
This way, you are not ignoring what your parents have asked you to do, but you are still showing care/concern.
You could also ring him, from whatever location you're at over the weekend, even just 1 ph call, to make sure he is fine and managing.
If he doesn't learn now, he will be forced to learn at some point in the near future and by then, it'll be way harder for all.
You know, one of the most amazing things happens, when we leave those, who supposedly cannot manage by themselves.
They actually 'do manage', to the best of their abilities, so i am sure your brother will be alright and when your parents return, you can sit them both down and inform them that they're doing him a real disservice, by babying him, because this places added pressure on them and you, when you have your own life to contend with, plus your brother will never learn to fend for himself, if everybody else is taking care of him.
He is not mentally ill, he doesn't have a physical disability, otherwise you'd have informed us, so there is no serious problem here.
Your parents must do him the biggest favour.
Give him his space, room to breathe and give him time, to grow up and learn, it's that simple.
I wish you and your family all the best! :-)
...............................
A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (6 October 2015):
 I agree, sorry. Pick up the phone to check in. I don't think he will starve.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2015): First off, your parents should not burden you with baby-sitting a young adult!
Your boyfriend is correct! They only said look in on him. How long will that take? You can work that around your plans which were already set. If you have to travel a distance, "call" and check on him. As your parents should!
You can cook enough for two meals at your house, store it in containers; and drop it off. Let your brother warm it in the oven or microwave. He's got to learn to fend for himself and not be babied.
Both your "parents" didn't require you to do that; most likely your mother did. If they don't trust him not to turn their home into a teenage beer-bash; or they are worried he'll have unauthorized company over; then just make a surprise unannounced visit to make sure he's not up to no-good. You're no authority figure; so he's going to be sneaky anyway.
Unless your brother has a mental or physical disability, he can be left on his own for 48 hours. Your parents should have been parents enough to lay down some rules for him before they left. Not intrude on your personal-life to baby-sit a guy only a couple of years younger than yourself.
If you want to stop-in on him, do it unexpectedly.
That way, he will have no choice but to behave himself; because he doesn't know when there might be a surprise inspection. He'll also be forced to figure-out how to
feed himself, without "mummy" there to care for him.
Someday soon, have a talk with your parents. They caused a problem for you and they presumed on your time. You're an adult now, and it should have been asked as a favor; only if it wasn't too much of an inconvenience for you. That's simple courtesy.
He's old enough to live on his own, and wouldn't even need their approval. Only he probably won't; because he's still treated like a child.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2015): No you're being the complete opposite of a bitch. But you're being too nice! Why did your parents ask you to do that, he's 18 and an adult. Your boyfriend shouldn't be calling you names or get angry but I think you having to go help somebody who really shouldn't need any help is a bit much.
Your brother should be a little embarrassed if he needs somebody to cook him supper at that age.
...............................
|
