A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend keeps files on all his ex-girlfriends. Is this normal? He was on a dating site before he met me and he had files, manila folders, with print-outs of the women he dated and their correspondence back and forth through the computer. Then there was other files of women he dated (not women from the dating website) and what the dates were like, how nice their homes were, if they slept together naked or fully clothed and if they showered together or separately and the dates he called them up. Some files were dated with all the dates they had sex together. Some of the files had momentos, like invitations to parties. I thought that this way of keeping track of women might have started from the dating website that he was on and that it was a suggestion from that website to do.In this day and age, I believe you have to really know about a person and if I have to dig to find out I will do so. There are too many weirdos out there. If a background check is needed I will pursue that option too. I will not be one to put my head in the sand when it comes to relationships.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2012): FA-I think he was on to me or had a sense anyway and thus destroyed the files but I still think that he feels I have moved up the ladder in this relationship and that he feels there is no more need for the files of his past relationships, except that one file he has still held onto. She really did a number on him and I feel he doesn't want to lose those memories they had together.
As far as success vs. immaturity, his immaturity is with women and his behavior can be adolescent, especially when an attractive woman comes into his view. He will forget the conversation that we are having, or his eyes will wander over to her, several times or looking her backside up and down. He can't seem to help himself. It's really school boy behavior. I find that a separate behavior and I am not tying it to the files or making his roving eye sound creepy. It's an immature behavior on his part.
As I have noted, he has a file on me. In the file is all of the cards I have given him, e-mail correspondence, the dates he initially called me.
Also, note, aside from the files, his life is like a timeline in that he writes everything down and keeps a file of where he has been and what trips he has been on and what happened day to day.
I do not want to approach his parents, because they are very elderly and I don't want to stress them out. As far as contacting the ex, I don't want to bring her back into the mix. I'd rather keep past exes just that, in the past.
I am trying to get a handle on this behavior and understand it before I decide what to do next. That is how I usually proceed. My other option would be to contact a counselor that could give me some insight into this.
I want to thank everyone for taking the time to help me find a solution.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (20 September 2012):
 Oh, I don't know where to go next.
There is always the temptation to back up my Hypothesis, but I think it is out there and more details would not be helpful.
I'm somewhat worried about the stalker / sociopath accusations. I agree that the data could be dangerous, but that is tempered by the fact that the data was all freely given. I'm not sure that what he had was any more detailed than what you would find in a diary. The OP knows more and can evaluate that.
There are two things that bother me still.
Our OP has said that he is successful but immature. I'm having trouble understanding how someone his age displays immaturity. (of course I am just guessing that he is around her age) Is the record keeping a youthful thing? I haven't been in the dating scene for 2 and a half decades. I have no idea how I would approach it now.
The other thing that worries me is the timing. She discovers the files, but doesn't tell him that she has. We assume that he doesn't know what she knows. Then at the first good opportunity, (she is out of town), he shreds the records. He tells her he is cleaning the office. Then when she gets home the shreds are conveniently there to be discovered. It looks like he knows, and is leaving proof for her to find. Now, That I do find creepy.
To insert a generality into what is more and more an unusual situation, Guys are procrastinators. Perhaps it is all innocent. He was bored while she was gone, So he thinks I haven't cleaned the office lately. As he is working through it he finds the old files (were they all old?) and thinks these can go. Shreds them, then wonders if he should burn the shreds. Puts it off until the next convenient campfire.
It's possible. It is also possible for a skilled predator to have got this far and never have been caught. There would be no background to find.
O K for a wrap up. Our Original poster seems disinclined to confront the guy about this directly. She is also disinclined to dump him and run. Mostly she is trying to understand the behavior before she talks to him about it. With two years into the relationship she is not ready to rock the boat without more evidence. In order to understand why he has been doing what he did She needs help from a more knowledgeable source than us. My top two choices would be his mom or his ex.
FA
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 September 2012):
 MEMENTOS are one thing Cerberus but a folder on each woman with info such as how nice their homes were, what they wore when they slept together, whether they showered together or not, and what dates he called them, are NOT mementos.. mementos are programs or tickets from shows, photos, trinkets etc.. kept in a shoe box put away… those are mementos… what this guy has is too stalker like for my comfort.
And yeah was there a folder on the OP? and what was in it. The whole thing creeps me out
I would not want to know that my guy kept a detailed report on when we had sex, what position we used, what we wore, if we showered together or not, etc… creepy to me to be THAT detiailed.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (19 September 2012):
My best friend is a lawyer. While in law school, he was falsely accused of rape as retribution for breaking up a fight between some female acquaintance and her bf (who was abusing her.) Nothing ever came of it, but it turned out to be a huge PITA for him.
From that, he told me to absolutely keep everything a woman ever writes to you or sends you. You will never know when you need it in court.
I have followed said advice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2012): Honeypie, he did shred the files. I was gone for a few day and he shred them then. In fact, when I called him he told me he was cleaning up his home office. Ever curious, I found them in the trash when I got back. The one file he did keep was of a girl he was very much in love with and he wanted to marry her and she broke up with him in a bad way. He was a mess from that relationship and I started dating him shortly after that. I've known him for 2 years now. And yes, it looks like I have replaced her in the order in that I have a file too now of cards I have given him. Maybe he thinks I am "the one" for him and hence he has no need for this trophy collection. That is my theory.AuntEm I have to be open that this may be sociopathic tendancies. Where does that lead. Are the files a quirk, a normal part of his personality or is it sociopath?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2012): Personally I don't see anything weird about it.
My girlfriend has mementos and photos of her exes, doesn't everyone?
This guy just liked to keep more things than most people but it's still the same thing really.
Besides most of that information is safely stored in our heads ins't it?
We can erase our pasts, he just had a more detailed account of it on paper than most.
Maybe he's mildly autistic or something.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 September 2012):
 I'm betting he didn't shred then, he just put them in a place you don't know about... or at work.. Why he left one behind I don't know.. maybe to make you think he got rid of the others and maybe "forgot" one.
A guy like that doesn't shred his trophies, I just don't believe it..
Nor do I agree with FA, that the guy is just high organized. It's sick to keep score/files like that. It might be another version of the "little black book" some people keep, but overall I can't believe this is normal.
OP... How long have you known this guy and I HAVE to ask, did he have a folder on you too?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 September 2012):
my first thought is to ask if he is that OCD in other parts of his life?
I vote on the EWWWWW factor... it's a bit stalkerish to me to have it in such detail. I can see a folder for each woman with mementos and maybe dates they were together kind of thing... and even that much detail is a bit creepy...
If you really like this guy enough to look past the fact that if you didn't find the folders and you guys didn't work out that you would be another folder in the drawer... I would suggest a very very VERY thorough background check...
but I'm not sure it's worth the cost....
I'm very forgiving of faults... in fact, that's probably my biggest fault, and I'm not sure I could forgive this one...
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (19 September 2012):
Yes, it could be a score card. I'm very confused about his shredding party. If my theory has any vitality, then he either has no more need of the Data, or he has a back up copy. If it is a trophy / score card then he is caught and feels guilty.
Interestingly the person I knew who kept records (much smaller records) did realize the amount of trouble he would be in if any of the girls found his data. So he is not as open as I thought.
As an apology to the women who are helping here, My first reply was written slowly without checking to see your answers before I posted it. I did not call any one overly emotive. What I was trying to point out is that women are more likely to make decisions based on emotion. We just think differently, not better or worse, just differently. And Thanks Em for pointing out that you usually agree with me.
At the end of the day, I wonder how he is feeling now that he knows he is dating Super Sleuth. Not that I always disagree with snooping. Usually I would council waiting until the relationship is more official. As to this specific case. If it bothers you this much , and I see that others agree in that, then better you should know sooner. Looks like it's tame to talk to him instead of us.
FA
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (18 September 2012):
By all means ask him to give up the data collection bank, but as it seems so rigid organised and specific, I think it says more about the guy and his personality and behaviour.
I'd actually love to know what his excuse is for keeping such information as most of it borders on the obsessive.
We arn't talking 'little black book' here...we are talking extremely personal and intimate reference all neatly retained in his personal library...
This isn't your average dude and I have to disagree with FA (for once)It isnt the actions of someone who is highly goal orientated or else he would have shredded such information as each potential relationship ended. There is no reason to keep such sensitive material when a person (whom he barely knew) has left his life...(emotion aside) this smacks of sociopathic tendancies and that is more important to recognise than assuming you are an overly emotive female who cannot recognise when something is completely creepy and wrong.
His 'library' is more like a 'trophy' cabinet.
I fail to see a good reason for you to stick around and work out his good points...the whole info gathering thing kinda negates any good that could come from a relationship with such a person.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2012): Sounds like a notch in the belt type behavior. More like a collection to look back on that reminds him that women were indeed interested in and "wanted" to date him. I'd say somewhat narcissistic and an egotiscal boost for him even if the relationships didn't work out.Maybe he is like that in every day life--keeping track of things and very organized.There must be a need for him to hold onto these memories and I think it is to validate him as a man that women find him desirable. It's an ego stroke.No, I don't think it is normal and I think he needs to get some counseling so he can get at the root end of it."Normally" a person just moves on in life and doesn't hold onto the past in file folders.I agree that women dating in this age do need to do their detective work so they really "do" know who they are with. There are too many con artists out there. One can never take too many precautions.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (18 September 2012):
I've known a guy who did that, sort of. He was much younger. So the information was much less personal. What you are dealing with here is a highly organized goal oriented person. That is not at all a bad thing. You just have never seen it applied to dating. As an emotion driven woman it seems weird and bizarre to you. To him it is just applying his best tactics to the problem at hand.
By all means do go digging. Do do a background check. And do ask if he is willing to give up his collection of data should you two make a long term commitment. You need that information and assurance.
I guess that you are aware of this early on in the relationship. That is a good sign that he has nothing to hide. Try to look for the best.
FA
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 September 2012):
 No, Honeypie, is not just you. Do you mind if I join you ?:eeeew, just eeew.
I am not sure I would even bother with the background check.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2012): A back ground check is fine. Back out of his house and put both feet on the ground and run.
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A
female
reader, kellyO +, writes (18 September 2012):
 Hi,
This is not normal I have never heard of anyone who has ever done this. I am sure you haven't yourself until now, then how can this be normal?I suggest you dump this guy as quickly as possible. He sounds weird and egoistical. what makes you believe you will simply not be another file which he will be showing to his next "girlfriends"?
You deserve better and I wish you all the best
Hugs Kelly
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (18 September 2012):
 At first I thought that's a little weird, having folders and print outs of ex's description of houses and dates... Then the more I read the creepier it got. dating each time they had sex and sleeping clothed or not... And showering behavior. That creeps me out. I wouldn't have anything to do with this guy. And no it is far, far from normal. Normal is holding onto a birthday card or picture from an ex. Not keeping intimate data from your day to day lives in folders. Maybe you will get other responses but I'd say he's a freak show.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 September 2012):
I think doing a background check is sound. I understand keeping momentos as well...... But keeping folders on women he's dated? That is borderline creepy and weird IMHO.
Why would he need those folders? If they didn't work out why?
Eww, just eww.. (maybe that is just me..)
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