A
female
age
41-50,
*llieb19
writes:My bf of 9 months and I live together, are serious, want to get married and have kids etc. He's 35 and I'm 28. Lately we've been having some financial difficulties. Lately when I mention our future he makes a joke, I said I didn't like that and he said he would stop and didn't want me to have doubts about the relationship. Should I worry? I love him more than I've ever loved anyone. Why can't he be more reassuring? Pls give me some advice! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2011): Hi:Thanks for all the replies, especially "eddie85" I will try this approach. Because of the economy both of us are making less than we are used to and I know he's stressed out that he can't give me everytyhing that I desire. To:'RedAthena" at our ages we are definitely ready to talk about marriage, etc. especially since after we both came out of bad relationships in the past we know what we want and in the recent past he has told me he wants to marry me, we even looked at engagement rings(his idea).
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (22 August 2011):
 I believe his joking is a self-defense mechanism in hiding from the truth that he can't provide for everything you want -- right now.
I suspect both of you want to get married, do the honeymoon deal, have kids, own a home, etc. Let's face it, with the financial difficulties that you are having, that is going to probably happen later rather than sooner. His joking is probably meant to imply that you need to be patient and he has doubts whether he can be financially solvent.
The next time he jokes about it, ask him what he fears and what he is hiding from. Tell him you want to be with him -- for richer or for poorer -- and that you don't need X, Y and Z to be happy with him. I think he'll get the message and respond with a little more straight-forwardness about what he sees in your future.
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (22 August 2011):
 You have not been with him long enough to talk about your future with him. He is joking to lighten the seriousness of the topic.
He was considerate of your feelings to not joke; this is good. That IS your reassurance that he cares for you and does not not want to hurt your feelings.
You mentioned financial difficulties. Maybe with that the idea of further commitment (marriage and kids) makes him feel stressed.
Relax-guys do not really need to be nudged to make a commitment. Enjoy and be confidence in what you do have! When he is ready-he will be talking about it.
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A
female
reader, Kat1235  +, writes (22 August 2011):
If you are having a bit of a hard time financially, just now probably isn't the right time to talk about the future. Your boyfriend is most likely stressed and worried about the situation you are in. I'm sure he still wants all the same things, just now isn't the time to talk about it though. It has only been 9 months for you guys. There is still lots of time to worry about that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2011): It is not a good time to talk about the future. You should be a little more practical. If you are in financial trouble it is hard enough to think about how to rebudget your money, worry about paying rent etc. That is probably what is on his mind. He still wants a future with you but taking on expensive weddings, kids (another huge expense), is very hard for him to wrap his mind around when he is struggling to pay next month's bills and put food on the table for the next week. Life doesn't always go as planned, you should know this. But you can still enjoy your relationship just as much. Eat ramen for dinner, curl up together in bed. Keep it simple. Live day to day. Enjoy your time with your boyfriend for what it is right now.
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