A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:*I want to apologise for the length of this post, but details are needed to explain the situation as best as possible*I have been dating my boyfriend for exactly two years and it has been a generally happy relationship. Despite the fact we got together just before Covid, we have really made it work so far.However, I have noticed that, specifically at parties, he is just not entirely nice to me. He is extremely outgoing and bubbly and talks to anyone and everyone whereas I am more reserved and take a while to come out of my shell. We have been to a few parties where he has happily left me despite knowing full well that I am not comfortable and do not know anyone. We went to a Halloween party last year and it went great, but my IBS really kicked in and I felt ill. I told him and he asked his friend to drop me off, but he stayed where he was because he was having too much of a good time to go home with his ill girlfriend. He did admit that he should have came home with me but did not apologise from what I can remember.That Saturday there, we went to his cousin's engagement party and I was feeling really uncomfortable due to all the past experiences. He assured me that he would not leave me "this time" and that I had his sister and husband to keep me company. His family had a Boxing Day party and it went terrible. There were so many arguments and the cousin who was having the engagement party kept leaving with Calum and did not care about him leaving me alone. He kept apologising for taking Calum away from me, but continued to do it anyway whenever he needed to "cool off."To keep a long story short, he kept disappearing on me to dance on the dancefloor with his family and new friends. He asked me to come up once and I did, but then he told me I could go and sit back down and that was that as I was clearly not "bubbly enough" to warrant much of his time. I felt as though his sister was babysitting me. I really appreciated her kindness, but it did come clear that he must have told her to keep an eye on me. Anyway, I told him I was bored and he asked me what he wanted me to do about it. When I said I did not know, he shrugged and left and I never seen him again for well over an hour and a half to spend time with his cousin and uncles. He only made an appearance when his sister said she was getting ready to go home. Even that, he walked up to his other cousin, who was standing beside me, and said he won a drinking game before leaving once more, nothing was said to me. When the taxi was ready and booked, his sister and husband went to get him, but he gave the hotel pass to our room to his sister and said he was staying with a new friend he made and that I was just to go home with them. He did not speak to me nor come to find me to give me the pass himself or explain what his plan was. That left me upset and his sister and brother-in-law angry. He came back to the hotel after his sister got him at the door and he came in and sincerely apologised. He told me that someone told him I was bored when he was with his cousin but he told his cousin he did not know what to do and that he just wanted to let me come out of my shell despite the fact it was later on in the evening and clearly nothing was changing. He also mentioned to him that I was not happy going to his engagement party in the first place. This annoyed me as it applied that I was difficult to get along with and it came across that I was nasty.I did forgive him, but I can't help but feel that he never changes. I should not have to worry about attending parties with him. I am just fed up, but the chat did seem to clear the air and I told him I wanted him to be more considerate of my feelings. It felt good to chat, but I just do not know how many chances to give him. We have been thinking about moving in together soon too which makes everything more difficult.Should I play it by ear or should I just end it and move on as what he does it cruel and inconsiderate of my feelings.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2022): I was about to comment my own thoughts and feelings about this situation. However, after reading some of the other comments, I have decided that I would address them instead. I noticed quite a bit of harshness for the OP regarding the situation. One such poster mentioning that she should not expect to enter a relationship and expect to change that individual, yet some of his behaviour is questionable. Also, the same poster also questions what right the poster has to "curtail his enjoyment..." If the poster is going to parties with her partner, then what right does he have to take her enjoyment away by leaving her alone and, from what I can gather, barely introduce her to people as well as leaving her to go home with his friend or chosing someone he barely knows over his partner of two years? She also mentions that his sister and her partner was angry with him too by the way he was treating her. Are we just ignoring that as it does not fit the agenda that the OP was perhaps not exaggerating her claims?The poster does not seem to show any discontent about her partner having a good time, it seems as though she just wants to stick by his side, which is not a bad thing, until she gets used to and more comfortable with her surroundings. Being an introvert is not something that needs to be changed as if that was the case, then extroverts would need to work on themselves too. Also, comparing the lady to your friend and saying that she is a drag, seems some what unfair as this is one post and one can't possibly assume much from an anonymous post about one particular event. People here seem awfully brave to make some degrading, spiteful comments when they are behind a screen. It is truly shocking. The poster was just expressing her feelings and seems to me as if she was being attacked and judged for being a bit more on the shy and even compared to as a "scared little child" which also seems unfair. Introversion is not something to be ashamed of.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2022): You say, "I should not have to worry about attending parties with him."I couldn't help thinking that this applies to him, too. I expect he feels that he shouldn't have to worry about attending parties with you, if all you are going to do when you get there is complain, sulk and want him next to you the whole time. You can't go to a social event with a boyfriend of his age and expect him to just attend to you all evening. He is entitled to enjoy the evening as he wants to and if his way of behaving doesn't sit well with you, well then you two are not a match. You can't go into a relationship hoping to change someone. He is a people person, he enjoys a party. What gives you the right to curtail his enjoyment, just because you don't enjoy the parties? My advice would be to not attend and let your boyfriend enjoy himself, break up and be with someone more like yourself, or continue to go to parties with him and make you both miserable. I commend him for not cow towing to your moods and sticking by your side, when he'd rather be enjoying himself. It is a party after all!! I had a friend like you, who hung off me. She couldn't move one inch without me and wanted to see me every day. I can't tell you what a drag this was.One more comment. Your boyfriend is young. He wants to socialise and have fun, you really can't blame him for that. I think he sounds tolerant, but I suspect he is getting bored with being expected to babysit you at social functions. When you are older yourself and date an older man, you may well meet one who is more willing to hold your hand through situations you're not comfortable in, but for now, because you are dating a younger man, (essentially men this age are still not mature) don't expect him to compromise his night out to keep you happy.Imagine if it was the other way around. Imagine something you were looking forward to going to and you went with your boyfriend and he sat in a corner telling you he was bored and expected you to leave what you were enjoying? Not once, but again and again and again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2022): I am the original poster and I feel like there are some areas that I need to clear up or add additional information.I am actually very social, bubbly, and I enjoy meeting new people. However, my boyfriend can be rather dominant in conversations. If I get a word in, it is only for a few minutes, if I am lucky, before he sets off into another conversation of his own and it is usually about him.At parties, I do not expect my partner to hold my hand nor do I expect him to baby me. However, when I am at his family gatherings, it would be nice to be introduced to his family instead of him getting up and leaving me without saying a word. He will happily tell people that I have a great sense of humour and I like to think I do. It is just that he does not always allow me to express my funny side.I used to be extremely outgoing and would love a good party and the chance to meet new people, but I developed anxiety and due to past experiences of how he has treated me at parties: running off, going with friends, blaming me for not being talkative, and ignoring the way his friends treat me sometimes, I have become more reserved and wary.He was not apologising for having a good time, I would never expect him to do that, instead he was apologising for leaving me for the new friend he met despite the party ending and people heading home which resulted in me having to go with his sister and her husband.Although I am more of an introvert, I like to think I am more than happy to be in social gatherings and make as much effort as possible. However, it can be difficult for me if I am surrounded by people I do not know who already have their friends with them. I have been going to several parties with him now that the virus situation is changing and I have come out of my shell a lot more. So, of course, I do bother to make an effort, he does not always make an effort to support me despite knowing how his friends have been to me. One friend of his turned side on from me and did not speak a word to me even when I spoke to her. He said he never seen her do this.I have quite a few good friends and I would never leave them and always introduce them to new people. I always try and stay at parties for as long as I can and only have went home early one because I was unwell. It would have been nice that day if he came home with me as he even said he should have.I hopefully have cleared some things up and he is also turning 27 this year, so he is closer to 30 than 20.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2022): Oh no! Please, please leave this relationship now.
I have been in almost EXACTLY this situation and it was mainly through naivety and low self esteem and loneliness that I stayed, but also because I had grown up being psychologically abused by my mother, who told me almost every day that I was selfish and that I should only think of other people. I spent my childhood, teens, twenties, thirties and most of my forties putting others first. It's only at the age of 54 that I have finally understood I keep creating patterns of being used by different people in different ways and one major way is by being treated almost exactly like you are being treated.
A man like yours is not a man. He is a selfish boy who has not anywhere near fully matured. What you need to understand is that his selfishness will only get worse, not better and that he on some level gets a complete kick out of the fact that you are sitting there, like a rock, waiting and waiting,immobilised by your own conditions and insecurities, so that he can psychologically depend on you like an anchor, whilst he couldn't give a flying you know what about you, and simply needs to feel he has power and control over you. Your inability to socialise and your immobility - the fact that you often sit still, literally, give him such a feeling of freedom and power to do whatever he wants. He would not get the same kind of thrill out if it, if he didn't know that you were there, powerless.
You know why? It's because in his psyche, he hasn't detached from his mother and you are effectively a mother replacement for him. Think about it. It's like a mother sitting exhausted in the playground whilst her kid goes of to play for hours, returning to her now and again. She may complain, she may try to reason with the child, the child may try to understand her and pretend to go along with it but ultimately doesn't and cannot perceive her as a full human being in her own right, so he just carries on. He LIKES that she complains at him now and again, the way that kids LIKE the reassurance of a mother scolding or chiding them. Oh and whilst he hasn't fully matured you will also be used for sex. It's a total head mess, but that's the way it is.
What is his relationship with his own mother like? Is she still alive? Is she indulgent towards him?
In any case, you can do what I did and spend the best part of 30 years washing your time waiting for him to grow up, only to realise that, when he does, he is as boring as watching paint dry and actually very shallow indeed. He will NOT deepen into someone well rounded, interesting and caring. YOU need to develop yourself and don't wait until my age to do it. Find your own activities to build your confidence and your social skills in ways that are entirely different to this idiots. Try drama classes, walking groups absolutely anything until you find what YOU like doing. Only once you know more about your own pleasure will you be able to make better choices about what kind of man you want to share those pleasures with.
If you have IBS - and surprise surprise, so do I after the stress of being with a boy-child for 30 years - then that tells me you are sensitive to stress and probably have an underdeveloped sense of how to reduce stress and build pleasure into your life instead. It's habitual for you to be stressed, and part of that habit is the stress caused by him. Don't let it become an addiction. Get rid of him and get a life.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (16 February 2022):
 You two have very different expectations of a relationship. He want someone who will look after you in certain situations, while your boyfriend is much more outgoing and expects his girlfriend to stand on her own two feet in social situations, leaving him free to mingle and do his own thing. Neither of you is right or wrong; you are just very different. The problem is, you are you and he is him, and neither of you appear willing or able to change.
As I see it, you have two options: accept him as he is and adjust YOUR expectations and attitude or, if you are not able/willing to do this, call it a day and find someone who is more on a level with you socially.
Your life. Your choice. Think about it with a clear head (i.e. not when you are upset) and make a decision for both of you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2022): Honeypie has more than brilliantly covered just about everything.
Allow me to try and see things from your boyfriend's perspective; that is, without excusing him for leaving you stranded; or pushing you off on others, while he drinks and parties the night away. THAT IS NO-WAY TO TREAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND, OR ANYBODY!!! It's being a knucklehead and a total jerk! Maybe he's not as wonderful as you want to believe him to be!
You're an introvert, and he's an extrovert. He loves to party, and you don't know anyone at those parties; and in most cases, you won't. Neither of you will! You're a guest, and often the host(s) invite people you don't know. Which is part of the purpose, and the fun of socializing. Seeing the world outside your own little protective bubble.
The fun of parties is meeting new people, and exploring a diverse group of individuals. Some of like-mind, and some of a totally different point of view. The excitement of a party is having an eclectic group of people all mixed and mingling together, to give it life. It seems you don't feel the need, or attempt to, adapt to social situations. What is he to do? Obviously, he isn't given the option to attend without you.
I will assume you're both in the same age-group, your early 20's? That's a phase in your youth, when young-people attempt to make new friends; and engage in various social activities. You seem to mope, keep to yourself, or have some excuse to go home; rather than make some attempt to single-out someone you think would be approachable enough to talk to. Thus, you won't feel alone or isolated in a room full of people. Invariably, there is always someone shy, and standing alone with nobody to talk to. There's your opportunity! Someone who will understand how you feel.
At his family-gatherings, you know everyone is family; that's when you try to ingratiate yourself into the family fold. You're a guest, and the polite thing to do is try to be sociable. You don't have to be the center of attention, just friendly.
Covid will someday subside; and you will need to get-out more. Assuming these were rare occasions you're out and among crowds of people; when the pandemic is at it's peak, and when your government has imposed restrictions and shutdowns.
It's healthy to connect and interact with people. Even when it's difficult and unsettling. Too much confinement and isolation affects people in weird and inexplicable ways. Awkwardness, unmanageable-shyness, social-anxiety, and timidity towards all strangers isn't healthy either. You can seek therapy, when it is a mental-health issue or social-disorder. Considering, you do have to work, be around strangers, and earn a living. He isn't always there to console you, and give you a place to hide behind him, like a shy little child.
It is extremely evident that you are incompatible. Unless he stays home, and all his attention is centered around you. Even a toddler is taught to be social, and is left alone to develop interactive-skills with others.
You don't mention even trying to endear yourself with his relatives; and apparently, make no attempt to get to know anyone. He's with you most all hours, excluding work, or the loo.
When you are offered the honor, and introduced to your mate's family; that's an opportunity to get to know them, and let them get to know you. On every occasion you've mentioned; you've found a reason to go home, and spend the entire outing tracking down your boyfriend. How large are the places where these events are held? He was trying to get you to open-up, and try to enjoy yourself. You wouldn't even try!
I don't really think he's intentionally trying to be inconsiderate. You're both extreme opposites. He's too young to be constrained; and doesn't want to spend social events babysitting you, and protecting you from people.
You are a homebody; and there is nothing wrong with that. You mention no friends of your own, and you don't seem to like going out. You don't seem to understand why your boyfriend wants to get-out and socialize. He's too young and full of energy to stay cooped-up in your flat; when covid-restrictions have kept us confined for the last two years. I understand if you wanted to take health-precautions and social-distance; but you don't seem to like socializing, regardless of observing covid safeguards and recommendations.
Have you ever taken your boyfriend to a party, or a family-event?
You need a more layback and less extroverted boyfriend. Maybe you might try and be a little more out-going; so you can have fun, without being conjoined at the hip with your boyfriend. He shouldn't have to apologize for having a good-time. Then again, he shouldn't drag you to so many family and social events; then just leaving you alone. He should be free to move about. He shouldn't have to hold your hand the whole time! At least check on you, and introduce you to people. Stick-around long enough to help you to warm-up to the people there he knows, but you don't. Provided you'll bother to even make the effort. If you won't, he has to leave you; to go have some fun himself.
You said he tries to imply you're nasty. Now is that true, or simply to make a point to sway opinions your way? If he thinks you're nasty, why would he bring you along? What's so great about being with him?
There is much about his outgoing-personality that attracts you to him; but it isn't your job to change him or control him. The purpose of parties and other social events is to mingle and enjoy the company of others. You have to expand your circle of contacts and friends; and you have to enjoy your youth. It's gone before you know it! He's one lucky dude to always be on the list for all the biggest parties; so full of people, you'll get lost in a crowd! Wow! I can see your point, if it's a club, a crowded party hall, or at large receptions. Not so much at a house-party, lest you party with the royals?
If he's too much for you, you will have to consider letting the relationship go. Never go into a relationship with intent to change people; if they don't already possess the qualities and personality-traits you're looking for. Otherwise, you'll find being with them is too hard.
You'll have to make a decision, if this person is the right guy for you? Especially, if he's going around making other people think you're a nasty person!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 February 2022):
 I think you either need to lower your expectations A LOT or you need to consider whether or not he is actually compatible with you long term.
The fact that he wanted YOU to go to a hotel room while HE was going to stay at some "new friend's" place is insane! Sorry, your BF is a total selfish asshat.
"He did not speak to me nor come to find me to give me the pass himself or explain what his plan was. That left me upset and his sister and brother-in-law angry.
He came back to the hotel after his sister got him at the door and he came in and sincerely apologised. "
HE only apologized because his sister got on his ass for being an ass. Not because he actually felt sorry.
Then BLAMING you for not being as "bubbly" as HE was or wanted you to be when he knew these were relatively new strangers to YOU (not him as they are family) is again, insane.
As a fellow introvert, this would NOT work for me. My husband is an extrovert and that is fine, but we have established that at times I will NOT join in on events I don't want to.
You also might want to learn to BE on your own at events. At some point in your work career that IS a good skill to have. Especially, for an introvert. That means either learning the annoying "art" of small talk or being able to just sit and observe people without feeling snubbed or "left alone".
It IS a little unrealistic to go to HIS family events and HE spending 100% of his time entertaining you. It was nice that his sister at one event stuck by you, but also kinda shitty as HE COULD have taken you around and introduced you, instead he DUMPED you on sis and went on his merry way. Like you were a coat and sister the coat-check!
"He also mentioned to him that I was not happy going to his engagement party in the first place."
If you really didn't want to go, then DON'T! You don't have to! Especially when you know you are just going to be "left behind so HE can party".
DO NOT move in with him! At least not until you feel this is sorted to a decent compromise. Or (in case you chose NOT to continue to date him) and then moving in would be a moot point.
To be really blunt, he sounds like a really selfish and immature person. And you BOTH have unrealistic expectations of each other.
He ACTS like he is single, not like he is part of a couple.
The reason you two have made it two years? Probably because you have not been able to socialize and see him for WHO he really is.
I would 9/10 end it. And look for someone who KNOWS how to treat a partner.
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