A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey dearcupid, I caught my partner of 18 years spending time with another man at her work place, her place of work closes at 11pm some days or 12am, we have spoke about it and she says nothing is going on it was just games of pool but she was out till 2am in the morning and she never told me about him, on these days she said she played pool with him I'd msg her around her closing time and she would tell me she's doing other work things but she has now admitted she was just playing pool with him and she tells me the conversations they had was just about me and her and our kids and him and his partner and his kids and talking about his problems, but if I had a problem she wouldn't listen to me, since this has happened it's really messed with my head im overthinking all the time and my gut is telling me something has happened, I do talk to her about this and she does listen to me but it's now getting to a point where she will start scratching herself down her arm, it's like walking on eggshells round her, she tells me that she's mad at herself for putting me through this, and she has told me she will quit her job, in the 18 years together this has never happened and I've never brought other females as friends into our relationship or stayed out with them I stopped seeing female friends around the time I got with her cause I know it can create a toxic environment, I also found out she was taking ppl home from the pub but I asked her if she was and she lied to me and said she wasn't, after finding all this out and confronting her about it she is now coming home on time or 10mins early . All I'm asking is what can she or we really do to fix this situation. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2022): You're driving her nuts. Even if she did have a fling, she comes home on time -- it's over. Most of us are with work partners more than our other partner. Maybe she'll just never tell you she cheated out of embarrassment, or fear you'll dump her -- And maybe it was just pool at the pub. But how can she prove she never had sex with the guy. You need to see a counselor. You're driving her nuts, that's worse than anything she's done -- or not done.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2022): The trust is broken OP. You know she is looking for something. And it is not something you can give her. She will say sorry or think she is doing nothing wrong. And you have to keep putting up with all her gaslighting and bullshit excuses until you break. You will lose all your self esteem and gradually become more and more miserable. A shell of your former self. As long as you remain with this person, you are enabling her to keep hurting you. She is selfish and weak and not committed to you. Why do you want to be a sitting duck? Waiting until the right guy comes along and she leaves you? Why don't you beat her to the punch? Being on the prowl means she is already cheating OP.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2022): I can't say for sure, but I do know human nature - and take it from someone whos wife started talking to another man "we just talked about you.. or our kids" turns into a certain comfort and familiarity, that then is just a step away from taking another step.. and then hiding it.. then another. Things develop very quickly in that environment. It is easy for a person from the outside (without all the baggage she has with you over 18 years) to seem appealing. aka she has never had to argue with him over putting the seat down, or dirty socks not in the hamper and a 1000 other things.. so the human brain seems like it temporarily believes she wouldn't actually have these problems with him (even though she would). She only sees the upside. All it takes is a window of opportunity in this environment to make a bad decision that can ruin lives. Id say she has either contemplated cheating or has cheated (at least emotionally, if not physically). Maybe she hasn't acted on it and got too far too fast and she pulled back because she had the light turn on in time. It all comes down to what you can live with. You may never get the truth, just more lies to cover lies. It is relationship poison. She may be 100% truthful from now on but you've lost trust. It is hard to be a human. Don't drive yourself or her crazy with fighting, dishonesty or accusations.. if you want to stay with her find a path to healing. If not, then find a path to exiting. Life's too short to spend it fighting and feeling miserable. If she doesn't make you happy, go find it with someone else.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2022): As Kenny mentioned, I too do recall your previous posting about your girlfriend driving bar patrons home. I have to admit, that would concern me too. If it continued after we had several discussions about it, and she repeatedly lied about it; I would no longer have trust in her, or the stability of our relationship.
As I can recall, you went so far as hiding a phone in the car to record her conversations. I think I suggested that you confront her with your evidence. It makes no sense to me how people have solid-evidence, and hide it; and just play games, by making their partners lie again and again. This serves no purpose, but to pour fuel on the fire. It makes for a lot of drama and suspense, little else.
The purpose of gathering incriminating-evidence is to substantiate your allegations or accusations; with the intent to draw some sort of conclusion. Then to reach some appropriate decision on what is being charged; and what course of action should be taken to settle injuries incurred, and what consequences the accused/convicted will suffer. The victim is owed some form of vindication or retribution.
You've confronted this issue. Now she has to be given the opportunity to redeem herself. She can't lie her way out of this anymore; because she has been busted. You have the evidence! All the explanations and excuses she has given bear no credibility; because if it all was innocent, there was no reason to lie. Over and over!
Repairing trust that is lost and destroyed by lying or betrayal is a long and arduous task. Forgiveness is delayed and laborious, when the perpetrator continuously lies; while they continue to repeat the offense. Just making sure to cover their tracks better.
In many cases of long-term abuse, emotional-injury, and betrayal; there may never be forgiveness. That is a matter of personality and history; and the depth or severity of injury. Serious trauma often requires prayer, counseling, criminal charges; and for some, years of therapy and medication. In almost every case, it could take a lot of time.
You can't forgive a "little bit," and consider it done; but you can forgive in doses. As you see genuine effort is being made to reconcile differences, and repair broken trust.
Forgiveness laden with all sorts of traps, hoops, and ominous-conditions is not forgiveness. It is punishment. You have to forgive completely, before any trust offered is genuine. Forgiveness is complete and justified; once trust is regained through honest and committed effort. I had to forgive someone I caught in the act of having sex. That person couldn't lie! I saw it with my own eyes! Trust was eventually repaired and regained. I was much younger then. Cancer ended that relationship, but forgiveness was long given before that. Love lasted 23 more years after the incident. I would still forgive, if something like that happened in the present; but I would end any relationship, if it happened to me now. I set a higher standard, because I've placed it on myself. I would seek no friendship and would cut all ties. I would move forward and not look back.
You share children, that's not an option!
If forgiveness requires a lot of blood, tears, and suffering; it is better to separate yourself from the offender, and let the process continue from a distance. You have to forgive not only for the benefit of the offender, but for your own benefit. Unforgiveness is toxic, a very slow poison. It imprisons you within your bitterness, and it is also an offense to God. He will judge and forgive you, according to how you forgive others. He does not expect people to stay with people who have done you serious harm; just forgive them, and place the safety and security of distance between you. Leaving no opportunity for bitterness to set-in, or a recurrence of injury.
She has destroyed your trust, but you exacerbated your problem by having and holding your evidence; and forcing her into a corner to lie repeatedly. Lying is her fault, but you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt she was lying! You had more than sufficient proof, by your own admission. You should have put the evidence on the table; so no further lying could occur. You weren't giving her a chance to recant her story, you wanted to see how much of a liar she was; to grind her to a pulp with your evidence, when you finally exposed the truth.
Have you never been cornered in a big lie? Self-preservation is our first instinct! You poured salt on your own wounds! That does not by any means exonerate her from her lying, and continuing to do something you emphatically made clear you were not comfortable with. On top of the fact, that doing what she did was both unsafe and unnecessary! A woman alone with possibly intoxicated-men, could lead to unpredictable situations. It doesn't allow for much of an excuse, when it isn't even necessary. Not said to fan the flames, but just making a point in your favor.
You have children, although you are not married. If married, it would require a different course of action. You would have to salvage a marriage. You don't get the full benefits or legal recourse due a husband. You have to handle this with precision and thoughtfulness.
It's your own business why you couldn't marry a woman you've loved for as long as 18 years? You never exchanged vows, and you left her a loophole as far as her faithfulness and commitment goes. Boyfriends and girlfriends are bonded by an honor-system, and a voluntary unbinding-agreement to be true. A married-couple exchanged vows before God, an officiator, and witnesses. They legitimized their bond and established their rights on paper. To get your partner to stick to her side of your agreement to be true is open-ended anyway you look at it. You still don't have any proof she cheated on you sexually. It's difficult to convince a court to give you full-custody of your children as a boyfriend. I guess you'll need to do what's best for your children, in any case.
I recommend couple's counseling, because a mediator and referee is needed; so everyone gets to openly express their feelings. Emotionally, I think you have been severely injured, and your male-ego/pride is seriously bruised. Anyone in your shoes, male or female, would feel the same.
In your present state of mind, maybe you wouldn't make the best decisions. The last thing you need to do is mistreat the mother of your children in front of them. You're human, and this is a serious matter. It's hurtful, and she showed you great disrespect. You feel betrayed, because you can no longer trust her. Please always maintain your composure and civility in the presence of your children. Leave the house, to get fresh air, cool-off, and to clear your mind. I like to park in an empty parking lot, roll-up my car windows, and scream at the top of my lungs a few times. It's exhilarating!
This is my opinion. You cannot keep her, unless you seek some outside counseling to buffer things while you heal. Our resentment, human nature, and natural inclinations crave vindication and punishment. If you feel you want to leave her, please seek legal-advice to be certain of your paternal-rights; and if you choose to take full-custody of the children, you should know where the law stands on it.
Men have feelings, and rights too, regarding the upbringing and security of their children. Just keep in-mind, vindictiveness shouldn't be your motive. God will divinely intervene, if He feels they belong with their mother. You may win a short victory, but there is no side-stepping the will of God. Your anger and ego not withstanding.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (17 February 2022):
 I do seem to recall this post a while back, it was the last part of your post about her working at a bar, and her taking people home from the pub.
This all boils down to trust, pure and simple. Trust is one of the most important contributing factors that bind a relationship together, without trust a relationship is doomed to fail. The question here is can you trust her again?.
If you feel that you can't trust her again, if you feel like you are always going to be suspecting her, wondering what she is doing if she is 20 or 30 minutes late. Wondering who it is evertime her phone goes off. These feelings are unhealthy, and its impossible to live like this.
You ask what you can do you both do to fix this situation. In a nutshell, either trust her, or not trust her. If the latter, leave her and walk away.
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