A
female
age
41-50,
*himmyshimmy
writes:Okay, so I've read the other questions about men not being interested in sex, but I think mine is different. Here's the deal. I'm 29 and my boyfriend is 38. We have been together a little over 3 years and a year and a half ago we bought a "fixer upper house" together. Since then, sex has all but been gone from our relationship. We once went 10 months without sex, then I complained so much to him that he finally gave in. And that hurts just typing that, but it's the truth. I know the house has been hard on him, because he's basically fixing it himself (yes, it's still in construction mode a year later) and we are having mad financial problems as well. I DO communicate with him and I ask him all the time what's up and very maturely and nicely ask him what the deal is..and his answer is always "money problems." Don't get me wrong, I understand we have money problems, but I am feeling strongly neglected. In the past year and a half, we have had sex 3 times. THREE!!!! He won't go see a doctor for counseling and I know he's not cheating because he's either working or at home..he never goes out. Do you think he seriously has lost interest in me? Or could it possibly be that he's THAT concerned about the money issues?? I am too, but I don't let money issues consume my life. I want sex, and constantly think about going elsewhere for the affection I need. I want to be with him for life, and I've never cheated...but I don't know what to do. I talk to him and I get nothing that soothes me. I tell him my desires and he doesn't care. He told me today "how can you want it when there are so many other things you should be thinking about" and I said, like what? and he said "our money problems." I knew buying a home that needed to be fixed up would put us in a tight space, and I THOUGHT he understood that too since it was his idea..but it's like..now what?? I've tried everything I can think of (romantic night, a massage, candles, sweet talk). Any suggestions?? thanks
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female
reader, pgissyd  +, writes (27 November 2007):
 Heres wishing you luck xxxxxxxxx
A
female
reader, shimmyshimmy +, writes (27 November 2007):
shimmyshimmy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all so much for all of your advice. I will take all of it and use every last ounce of it. Truly, I will. best of luck to all of you and wish me luck! lol.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2007): Hi shimmyshimmy,
I had the exact same problem as you and this site really helped me through it.
I think that its important that you do understand how a mans mind works= if a man is having money problems somtimes they might feel as if they are not fulfilling their "duties" as a "man".
Maybe try telling him that money is just MONEY, and when all is said and done your relationship should always come first. (and after all sex is free, its a cheap way of having fun!!)
but seriously, I know its hard for you to believe that trying any advice from this website is going to make a difference, but trust me it cant make matters any worse can it?!.
Ok joking aside, I really do understand how you feel and all I can do is tell you what worked for me in the hope that it will also work for you.
Ok this might be long but just hear me out:
once you stop having sex, and havent had sex for a while the labido drops. the best way to get the labido back is..........wait for it.........more sex!!.
I know your probably thinking " you crazy woman, thats the problem, NO SEX!" but trust me it really does work.
Try explaining to your partner that when you have sex with him, thats when you feel closest to him. I know it sounds obvious to you and me, but men dont see it that way, HONEST!.
Tell him how upset and unattractive you feel when your rejected, Because I remember how it felt!.
Tell him how important it is to you to continue having sex even when you are struggling with financial issues. At the end of the day sex is free!, and sex is an excellent release valve, so to speak.
When you are feeling as though your moving apart in a relationship, sex is even more important because it reminds you how much you love and trust each other.
So what I'm really trying to say is that maybe you should dig really, really deep to find how it makes you feel when he refuses you sex, and tell him the truth. Being reasonable and argueing clever isnt always the best way to express your feelings. I'm thinking that maybe you have been holding back on how you really feel about this, and maybe when you discuss how its making you feel you dont always tell him how bad it really is affecting you X.
I think you should keep trying to communicate with him, but be as honest as you can about your feelings. Dont hold any emotions back.
Maybe he feels that because you have been disscussing it so rationally and calmly, that maybe its not as big a problem as you and I know it is.
Ok well I hope I have helped, if you want to talk to me then feel free to email me. Im glad to help.xx
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (26 November 2007):
 I would say there is something wrong. Do not cheat though as any problems you have now will only be worse. Cheating will fix nothing and complicate everything. If you love your guy that much, what will be going through your head when some other man is on top of you.
Talk to your guy and make your point. He either makes an effort to deal with whatever the issue is or you break up. If he's gone this long and hasn't heard you, he's not going to unless he has an ultimatum. Be nice though, don't be hurtful.
It sounds like there is a problem bigger than the fixer upper house. I don't know any guy who would give up sex because of the house. It's not normal. You need to talk to therapist, along with your man, and go from there.
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A
female
reader, Dhar +, writes (26 November 2007):
 P.S. Make sure he is getting good nutrition...
I just read that bee pollen (yup - it's consumed as a nutritional supplement) can enhance sexual function.
Hmmmm - I think I might put some in his coffee......(j/k)
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A
female
reader, pgissyd +, writes (26 November 2007):
Hi there, My husband and I have had sex twice in the last year, and only one of those times he actually managed to climax.
Men seem to need to be able to compleatly let go for sex, not like us, we can think about the ironing while still enjoying ourselves (ok maybe not the ironing, but you know what I mean).
Men can let one thing take over there minds at a time, and if he is stressing about the house never being finished and how to pay the huge electric bill that came through two weeks ago, then he isnt going to be able to relax enough.
I think, rather than focusing on sex, you need to focus on affection. No woman NEEDS sex, we need to be shown we are loved and appreciated and made to feel sexy. explain this to him, explain that while you understand he cant get in the mood for sex, you still want cuddles and nice comments on how you look and compliments on the efforts you make for him. I think if he can remember your a woman nd treat you as such, then you will feel a lot better about the relationship, the sex will come in its own time.
Although if he is having any problems getting or maintaining an erection, it could be worth him taking a visit to the doctors. As that can be a symptom to medical issues.
There is another point to make here, if you keep pestering him for sex, he is going tofeel pressured to perform, and will rebel by holding back and not giving in to you. Pay him lots of compliments, give him some time off workng on the house, make him understand how much you love him and appreciate him and everything he is doing for you.
If his life revolves around work, the house and money, and on top of that he has you nagging him for sex all the time,he cant be a very happy man.
So lay off the sex ideas for a few months and work on being a couple, put your own back into the house, even if its just painting the kitchen once the plasters on or making a decent seating area so you can relax together in the evening.
Think little things and think de-stressing things, It will take time and I suspect things wont start in the bedroom properly till you have the house under control and money problems star sorting themselves out.
I hope some of this helps, and I really hope you can see the situation from his point of view a little more.
take care and good luck xxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, Dhar +, writes (26 November 2007):
Hi, I posted an answer for a similar question and basically my advice was to take the pressure of sex off. My boyfriend and I have the same age difference and similar problems.My boyfriend and I weren't having sex for a while and it was really bothering me and freaking me out. I obsessed and began to resent him. What I did eventually was stop putting pressure on it. I took a step back and relaxed. I stopped looking at him hopefully as we slipped into bed but I wasn't sullen.I got a toy and pleasured myself (discreetly - not trying to rub it in his face) to satisfy the physical needs and made sure to compliment him enough for him to know he was still attractive to me and that I still loved him.I told him how good he looked in the shirt he was wearing or how his bum looked great in those pants or when giving him a hug before we left for work I would say that I'm so lucky to have such a handsome man in my life... ya know sweet, a tad cheesy but sincerely said compliments.I wasn't needy or obsessed though. I was nice but I went on with my day and concerns like everything was wonderful. And as I acted like it was wonderful, it became wonderful.The combination of sweetness and lack of pressure eventually allowed him to open up and not feel obligated to have sex. My good mood and obvious sexuality inspired the same in him. When it came naturally so did we...came that is. ;-)I will add that maybe a few no pressure sincerely given back rubs might help too. Rub his feet and allow him to share his money concerns with you. If he feels that you are there for him his wang will respond by being there for you.Good luck and I hope men answer for ya.
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A
female
reader, hello1 +, writes (26 November 2007):
 Maybe he feels pressured by you and its making him scared to have sex with you. Or he could be gay and thats why he dosen't want sex at all
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