A
male
age
36-40,
*ryda
writes:Last weekend I split up with my girlfriend of 15 months; she said that although I am "perfect in every way", there is simply "something missing" and that as long as she feels that way she will not be entirely happy in the relationship. This came as a shock, as only a few days beforehand she had been going on about how much she loved me and needed me.For the past year or so she has been quite unhappy with her life, she finds university quite boring and doesn't have many decent friends there. As such, she has come to rely on me heavily and has recently been calling me every night and being in constant contact. She seems to think this is not beneficial to her life and that by breaking up with me she will have more opportunity to embrace university and actually find some way of being happy there. Effectively she is taking a gamble - she is sacrificing something secure and proven to make her happy in exchange for more opportunities to discover other things that could make her even happier.I really want to get back with her because I think we are so right for each other. I think she is confused and needs some time to realise that I am not the cause of her unhappiness and that she would actually be less happy without me, so maybe this break could be a good thing. She texted me out of the blue yesterday, four days after the break-up, to ask if I'm OK and to "let her know if I want to talk." Although of course I'd love to talk to her and beg her to get back with me, I know that's a bad thing to do so I just replied saying I appreciated her concern but I'd rather we didn't make any contact as I need time to get used to being apart.But how should I act now, after the break-up? How much contact should I make with her? I sometimes feel like talking to her, asking how she's doing, as I know she's struggling at university - but I worry this may make me look too needy and make her less attracted to me. However, if I make no contact at all (i.e. playing hard to get), I worry that maybe she will think I'm not interested and don't care about her anymore, and she will start to forget about me and look for other people.Would it be better to stand firm, distance myself and make her crave communication with me again, or would I have more success by giving her the odd text to remind her that I'm still around and I still care about her?She is quite a needy person and needs a lot of love and attention, and I don't know how much I should be giving her right now.
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male
reader, pryda +, writes (28 November 2007):
pryda is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the input, people.It's been 9 days now of no contact. I'm feeling a lot better about things but I think it's about time I gave her a quick text or something to see how things are going, as she might be starting to think I don't care!I've noticed from Facebook (I know, I know, I really shouldn't stalk her on there...) that she has been struggling somewhat over the past week. She's been up at all sorts of hours and some of her 'statuses' have said that she's "distraught" and "a mess". I suppose this is only natural from a break-up, even if you're the person who initiated it, but it's nice to know she's feeling at least some of the things that I'm feeling.We're back from uni for the Christmas holidays in about 2 weeks during which time we'll end up seeing a lot of each other whether we like it or not, as we're in the same group of friends. So I plan to get a bit of casual talking going over the next couple of weeks, and hopefully we can have a proper chat at Christmas and there I'll be able to assess whether or not there's any chance of getting back together.I'm finding it a bit hard to get over her at the moment, partly because I'm so sure there's still a potential for reconciliation. But I'll be going back to uni on the 8th of January, so if there's no progress by then I'll know it's time to man up and accept that it's over.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2007): My advice is not to lose all contact with her, but keep in touch via e-mail and txt messag. and when you think you may be ready for a talk then talk, but avoid the talking 'cause that is when you start messing up and begging her to come back to you. Just, give her time and the space that she needs right now. If she really loves you she'll come to you, otherwise it was for the best. You two are young and available to restart something new with someone else. Perhaps, you two are not really meant to be together or you may?? nobody has the answer to that, so don't stop your life waiting for her, 'cause she did not wait for you and nobody will. Just, keep it basic until she comes to you...but continue your life without her.. start getting use to...
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A
male
reader, JustaGuy +, writes (26 November 2007):
Man my ex was EXACTLY the same!!!!
Same situation - she's at uni, not many friends and such we had a lot of contact - on the phone or msn every day.
She was a little mixed up and felt she needed to be more independant and not rely on me so much. She did treat me like crap to be honest though, I was always there for her and would have done anything, in the end it turned out she was just using me to get through rough times, although she tells me she loves me blah blah blah.
Since she was the one to initiate the breakup, this is her problem and she needs to address whatever is "missing".
I would'nt suggest breaking all contact, just keep it light, dont beg for her back, she doesn't need the pressure by the sounds of it and it will make you appear weak and unlovable.
If she is worried about too much contact and reliance then you need to acknowledge this and lay off communication for a bit perhaps, let her realise she can be happy and then she will be more willing to love you back. Remind her that you care for her, but dont go overboard.
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A
male
reader, em1516 +, writes (26 November 2007):
 Only given it a quick glance mate as I'm off now, but I think your in the same boat as me, romance faded and/or you became a nice guy. I think the best thing you can do if you want to take a chance at getting back with her is to play it like when you first met but introduce an element of mystery, e.g. go out with friends and/or other women that maybe she knows, if not let her know in some way, like photos on myspace/facebook etc. It's a case of building attraction all over again, if/when she gets in contact don't talk about your relationship directly but try to remind her of fun things that you did as a COUPLE or interests you share(d).You must try and remind her why she liked you the first time round and also show that you have changed/lost your weak points. Good luck buddy, hope she is OK in school too!.:.
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A
female
reader, Mariab +, writes (26 November 2007):
 My advice to you is send her a message telling her that you care alot about her but you will respect her decision to break it off and then DON'T CONTACT HER. See I know from experience that the only way to really know what someone was contributing to your life... is to have them not be there anymore. If she still wishes to be friends then let her make the moves. Don't ever be afraid to lose someone because that fear normally causes behaviours that will result in losing the person anyways... I hope this helps. I hope things work out for you - good luck. xx
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