A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi dearcupid, I am not sure what to do in my relationship of 2 years. When I met my bf he presented himself as a financially comfortable insurance salesman and of course I didn't ask deeply personal questions. Then as time passed and we enjoyed being together I started to spend time at his place and I would overhear him on the phone about the rent,or his car would stand at the mechanic for 6 weeks after repairs, he would not want to go out but rather eat in, he wouldn't even go to a movie. I eventually realised that he was far from financially "comfortable". I understood he had been through a divorce 5 years before and had recently moved to our city and needed to establish himself. We have now entered our third year together. I would like to get married and buy a house, but financially he still cannot contribute. Should I wait or accept that I will have to pay? Or go? I always thought that a couple should both contribute within their means, and I am not comfortable with the idea of being the main breadwinner if we marry, some might say old fashioned but that is me. We don't live together and he pays maintenance for a child.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2013): I married a man for love who had very little financially whilst I was building a career as a registrar then finally consultant. The love thing was great then unfortunately it began to 'grate' as I ended up paying for everything. Not only was I working really long hours but I was also supporting him and paying for him to piss about in a sports car whilst I was working nights. After time, love went out of the window. I feel your partner needs to contribute what he can depending upon what he is earning. I understand that with sales there is an element of commission so some months are better then others but he still needs to contribute financially to the relationship when he can. I would be dubious buying a house (make damn sure it's solely in your name if you do) or having a baby with this chap because there will be little coming in when you are on SMP. Are you happy being the breadwinner - I know it can be a power and ego trip for a while? People marry for love and money is supposed to mean nothing but in reality it does have an effect and can cause a lot of trouble in a relationship.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 January 2013):
 From what the OP says, I can't conclude that her bf is being financially irresponsible or a bad money manager. Maybe he is not doing anything "wrong ", he just hasn't got the same income, and the same earning potential, as the OP.
Yes, in a couple both should contribute within their means and it is the " within their means " that's often a problems when standard and expectations are different.
If I am a cleaning lady with 3 kids to support, and my partner a childless plastic surgeon, with all good will I can't chip in for half of our new Mercedes.
I guess the OP will have to decide how much important for her is to be a homeowner, and financial security, vs. having a good relationship, that's not so not good moneywise. That's something that only the OP can decide, I don't think there's right or wrong, just different priorities, it is true that love is a blessing and a fortune, but it feels more blissful and fortunate when you are 30, in the long run , when you hit 60, 70 ... " two hearts and a hut " often is just not enough to be happy.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (19 January 2013):
 Hi
Ask him whats going on you can't build a castle on shifting sand.If you want to be in a financially stable partnership then you need to sit down and sort the nitty gritty.
If you find his commitments to his child are draining his finances,thats something that won't change until they're 18. Salesman generally have a salary then earn commission and as people as a whole are cutting back maybe he isn't able to get as much commission?
Either way until you talk,which you must,you can't decide.Depends on his answers and how much you love him I guess, plus you have to think about yourself and even if you want children in the future.
Has he tried to look for another job or could he? Or even have a 2nd one?
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (19 January 2013):
Be blunt with him. Give him a chance to figure out what the problem is, maybe even let you be in charge of his money.
Tell him you are finding it hard to imagine a future where you're always having to worry about money. Make sure you let him know that you don't want to leave, but he has to change or you will have no choice. Take no excuses only look for actions.
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