A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I will keep this short. My boyfriend does not see anything wrong with keeping me waiting. I will say "I can be to your house at 7, does that sound good"?He will say yes and a lot of the time when I get there he is just getting in the shower. He takes a long time to get ready.A full hour. He is very slow. I find the fact that he does not acknowledge me waiting on him or seem to think there is anything wrong with it rude, inconsiderate and selfish. I don't mind waiting 15 mins or 20..but anything more than that just irritates me.He said it is no big deal..I am being petty and controlling. That I am nagging. I just ask for a little more consideration. If someone was at my house waiting on me I would feel bad and try to hurry as I know their time is important also. He said when he is off work time does not matter. I understand him wanting to have a relaxed day off but when he is in a relationship with someone then it is not all about him and his time-table. Any thoughts or advice ? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 December 2014):
 "He mentioned as X-girlfriend and actually said "She never complained about waiting for me. She would help out with my chores or clean or do something productive while I was getting around.""
He *SAID* that to you?! So basically, not only is he perfectly fine making you stand around and wait, he compared you to an ex and said the equivalent of "Shut up and make me a sandwich and do my chores for me"?
I promise you - if a guy ever...EVER tried that on me, that would be the last thing I would ever let him say. I would break up with him on the spot and kick him to the curb like the worthless misogynist he is.
There's a reason why his ex is his ex, and you just saw it. What a bottom feeder. Dump him...there can honestly BE no flag RED enough.
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (16 December 2014):
I did this when I was a kid. When something was truly important, like a doctor's appointment or stuff like that, I'd be on time. If it was something like school or friends, I was always late. Not because I didn't value them (well to be honest I didn't value school much back then) but because I took it for granted. My friends would still hang out with me if I was late and I never got into big trouble for being late at school.
Then my friend went to the same highschool as me and we arranged to cycle together at 7am. I always arrived late, like 15 minutes late and then we had to cycle fast to make it in time. Then one day, she stopped waiting for me. I had a 5 minute window after 7am to make it to her place, or she'd be gone. And guess what, knowing that I couldn't take her for granted motivated me to be on time, and from then on, I was.
So punish him for keeping you waiting by not waiting for him. You arranged to go to dinner somewhere? If he doesn't show up within ten minutes of the arranged time, you go by yourself or take a friend last minute if you have the chance. He has to learn that the world doesn't arrange itself around his preferences. It's laziness and it stays that way because of tolerance. Don't tolerate it. Respect yourself and he will follow.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 December 2014):
 since he is early to work but ON TIME for medical appointments and only makes you wait for things that are not heavily reliant on timing (would he be late if you had to be at the opening of something on time? I doubt it)
I will go with the Passive aggressive "I'm in charge" attitude.
NOW as a caveat, IF he was always EARLY for everything but your dates, or late for EVERYTHING I might suggest that there is some neurobiochemical component such as I have ADHD.
Without good training and good coping skills ADHD folks rarely get timing down good.
In this case, he's a PA idiot. I like the idea of NOT waiting for him. EVER. give him 10 minutes.
In fact, I would even give the idiot a heads up "Bob from now on if I get to your place and you are not ready I will wait TEN minutes and if you don't walk out the door with me then I'll walk without you and our evening will be OVER"
then do it.
you may have to do it a few times before he BELIEVES you but keep it up.
IF he does not comply within a few "walk outs" it tells you that you are not on his IMPORTANT list.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (16 December 2014):
 He complains that you're trying to change him, but he is perfectly capable to being ready on time for things he thinks are important, like work. So good timekeeping is something he is well capable of, so you are not trying to change him in this sense.
The problem is he doesn't think you're important enough.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2014): I am the OP. Thanks everyone for the advice and comments. I do agree it is a form of control.He is EARLY for work and always on time for doctors appts. But when it comes to us, or family dinners,or meeting friends, he is almost always late. When I addressed the issue he said I was trying to change him as a person. I said Noo..I am just asking you to be more considerate towards me.Then he went into that I was nagging and trying to control him. I tried to explain to him that me sitting around waiting for him to be ready so we could do something is not nice, and quite frankly selfish. It is as if he expects it and thinks nothing of it. I said there are plenty of other things I could be doing .as my time is important to me like it is to you. He mentioned as X-girlfriend and actually said "She never complained about waiting for me. She would help out with my chores or clean or do something productive while I was getting around." I said .that is nice...you should date her then.:)
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (15 December 2014):
 Never try to teach a pig to sing, it's a waste of your time and it anoys the pig. You my young friend have discovered a thoughtless inconsiderate clod and have mistaken him for a boyfriend. He is a nitwit and is worthy of see you leaving in a cloud of dust if he can pry himself from the shower long enough to notice you have left him. Good Luck with your search for a new imroved version of a boyfriend your last choice was a loser.Just keeping it real.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 December 2014):
One more thing - if he's just jumping in the shower, don't MAKE a show of leaving. Just slip out. You can leave him a note as you go, but don't say "Alright, then I'm leaving" inviting a huge fight. Just go. You hear the shower on, and you're gone. He'll come out of the shower and wonder where you are. Talk about needing to speed up like crazy the next time...
If you only threaten to leave, you'll weaken your position even more. You just...DO it. If he doesn't care that you're there and climbs into the shower, he can't stop you then.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 December 2014):
When you were first dating, was he on time?? And - if he has a job, does he report to it on time?? In my opinion, if he has no problem showing up to work or a doctor's appointment at the appointed time, doing the same thing for you should be a no-brainer.
The truth is - he sounds like the type of insecure guy who actually likes making you wait for him because it makes him feel important. It's a subtle form of control to him, and quite frankly one I wouldn't indulge.
He should care more about you than he does about work, and frankly, his "off the clock" attitude would have me wondering how it could get worse.
So, the question for YOU is - is his chronic lateness a dealbreaker? Because I can tell you that unless it's a cultural thing (and in some places, it's actually considered rude to show up on time), you'll see other things in his life that are out of control and indicative of possible more serious red flags.
If he's late for you and on time for everything else, it is a form of control. Here's my suggestion...
Set the time like always at 7pm or whenever, or better yet, let HIM name the time. Then show up at 7pm. If he pulls his late crap where it's not like 5 minutes and you get there and he's jumping in the shower, turn around and go home. Don't listen to his crap. Tell him you're gone. If he's just getting in the shower when you show up, then he's not ready. I'd go home or call some friends and go out. Words bounce off of him. Maybe if you show him you value your time more, he'll either get the message, or the relationship is over.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (15 December 2014):
It is very inconsiderate for someone to be late all the time. They are basically saying that your time is unimportant because they don't care if they waste it.
It's a sign of selfishness.
It is your boyfriend, not you, who is being controlling because he's making you spend your time waiting for him.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (15 December 2014):
You will never, ever, ever change someone who is chronically tardy. Yes, it is horribly rude and disrespectful, and people like that truly don't care. They never change.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (15 December 2014):
 Chronic tardiness is more than just disrepectful of you....
It is:
1. A form of control along the lines of passive-aggressive behaviour,
2. Stupid.... especially if, say, you are going to an event that has a starting time... and you are either late, or miss it altogether.... say, a concert or a movie...
3. Impolite.....
When I was in my career days, I eschewed product service/development meetings.... since it seemed that nothing was ever done to develop new products and/or improve problems that we had with existing products. Consequently, I often was 'way late, or didn't attend, at all. (As product service manager, I was intimately aware of just about ALL the current products' shortcomings!). One day, my boss took me aside and told me that "others" didn't like me because of that above-described behaviour. I told him that I didn't much care what they felt about me, since I was frustrated with the lack of progress (and waste of time attending) those meetings. Well..... THEN, he put this on me. He said, "It's impolite to be invited to, and expected to attend, a meeting, and then be late or not attend at all." From that day on, I never failed to show up at meetings punctually. I didn't care HOW people felt about me behaviour - otherwise - but I was NEVER going to let people think that I was IMPOLITE.
True story....
P.S. I how your next B/F isn't such a jerk as is this one.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 December 2014):
 If talking to him hasn't worked, do as BimBim suggests. Don't go until an hour or so AFTER you have told him you'd be there. Or call in advance and tell him he should start getting ready. Or take it to the next level, if that doesn't work either: if he's not ready when you arrive, leave. Tell him you have better things to do than sit around for an hour waiting for him. Or stop going to his place, he can meet you at your place or elsewhere.
Is he also late when meeting you elsewhere? Does he let you sit at the restaurant for an hour waiting for him? Or does this happen only when you go to his place? Start writing down how often and for how long he keeps you waiting, just to get some perspective on the frequency.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 December 2014):
 Next time you ask if 7 is okay, and he says yes, don't get there until 9. If he notices the fact you are a little bit later than agreed tell him it is no big deal, and that he is being petty and controlling.
Personally to be constantly kept waiting by somebody who knows it irritates and annoys me suggests a lack of respect...... why should he hurry or be on time, its only you.
Maybe try letting him know how it makes you feel, ask him if there is a way to work around this, maybe make every alternate arrangement to meet where he will be on time or something .... see if he will at least meet you half way.
If he wont, and its his way or the highway, take the highway. You would only regret it if you don't.
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