A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I found this site and thought it might be a good place to ask for advice.I had an issue come up recently with my boyfriend of 5 years. We are very close and respectful of each other and try our best to communicate and sort out issues.In the last year I have begun selling clothing on ebay for extra income....mostly vintage and 50's themed clothing....sort of rockabilly/pin-up style. At first I just took pics of the clothing, then I moved on to getting a mannequin to display clothing which helped it sell...and recently in the last month I started modeling some of the clothing that was too big for or didn't look right on my mannequin since it seemed to help it sell better when it was on a person. I didn't even think to mention this to my boyfriend because I wasn't even thinking of the idea of other guys looking at it. I was only coming from the perspective of wanting to sell my items and thinking women would be looking for the clothing, swimwear, vintage lingerie.Well, my boyfriend knows me well and is very perceptive. He noticed that I had changed the picture on my myspace page and figured out that I took it myself. This led him to ask me if I was taking pics for my ebay store...which I said yes. And then he asked if I was taking pics of myself in lingerie or swimwear. I couldn't lie and said I did have one swimsuit listed and I did list a slip and a romper.....I didn't mention I had a pair of pettipants too which I guess is considered lingerie. I didn't model underwear or bras (except I realize now that my bra was visible in one picture). I felt so awful that he felt bothered by this and thought I wanted to flaunt myself for other men or be a 'pinup model' or 'lingerie model'. He knows I collect vintage 50s memorabilia and pin-up art so he thought I wanted to be like the pin-up art I collect. And he was not comfortable with this idea and while he didn't want to control me he was just being honest that he didn't feel he could be with someone who did that. He couldn't handle it. He wishes he was like one of those guys who would like it or even want to take the pictures for me, but he is more reserved with these things and doesn't want other guys looking at me. Or he feels that being seen in lingerie or swimsuits or something where you are showing a lot of skin is too intimate to share with strangers. Which I do understand because while I'm not too bothered by girls looking at him, I am bothered if he would look at other girls or even look at pornogrophy or anything. And he respects my wishes that he would never go to a strip club or look at pornogrophy, etc...so I feel like I should respect his wishes too. I guess when I think about it I didn't realize what I was doing that guys would be looking at the pics and I wouldn't really want them getting circulated.I feel torn on the issue because on one hand I love him and want to respect his wishes as I would hope he would respect mine, yet on the other hand it was a way for me I think to feel good about my body. I had suffered for years with eating disorders and never felt good about myself until this point in my life (I am 30 years old). So I think it was a liberating thing for me to feel confident enough in myself to post those pictures modeling my items.He wasn't really angry and didn't say anything bad. He just said he personally didn't feel comfortable with it and it also confused him because I tend to be kind of shy sexually. Or I have issues that I am working on in counseling and he thought that I didn't want to show him my body but wanted to show others. Which isn't true but I can see it from his perspective. He thought maybe I was changing my direction in life and he wanted to talk with me about it. He thought he didn't know me anymore cause it seemed out of my character. He said he has known girls who are like 'It's my body and I can do what I want with it'and they don't respect their partners feelings at all. This bothered me becuase I do feel like it is my body and I can do what I want with it. And he does acknowledge that too....that he doesn't want to control me. He is just being honest with how uncomfortable it makes him feel.I didn't want to lose our relationship over it but continued to talk with him. Especially the fact that I didn't see anything wrong with occasionally modeling a swimsuit and he had an issue with this. It came down to him saying I can do what I need to do if it is important to me. Basically that he tried to accept me modeling swimsuits...but I know he would not want me modeling lingerie.I feel confused about the whole thing and don't really know how important it is to me to do it or not. Obviously it must be important or I wouldn't be bothered. I think he is trying his best to accept it as much as he can, but I don't want to feel controlled or wrong or ashamed. It was a way for me to feel good about my body that I hadn't for my whole life. I know he doesn't want to control me or want me to not do it and then resent him for it.Any help, ideas or suggestions would be so appreciated.Thanks so much,Sincerely,star
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010): if its causing that many issues and u cant reach an agreement y dont you ask some of your female friends to model instead, im sure there are some women who would love the oportunity, and some trainee models who wud like the publicity? Best of luck hun x
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 August 2010):
 First of all, YES you sell a lot better on Ebay if clothes is modelled, no doubt.
I think it's actually pretty cool that you do that for your customers. You mentioned you were a shy person but you are still able to pose in the clothes, so honey, KUDOS to you. I like a girl with self esteem! And I agree with you that it is your body and you are not trying to sell yourself.
I think Auntie Fishdish may have a great idea for you to leave your face off the pictures, that ways it's all a LOT less personal.
I think is more him being a little jealous then uncomfortable. I say jealous because you being a shy girl is having no problem showing potentially thousands of people your body, but may be shy around him?
He says he doesn't want to control you, but his words doesn't match. HE wants to decide what you can and can not wear in Ebay.
My suggestion..... MAYBE ask HIM to help take the pictures? Do it together.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 August 2010):
 There is nothing wrong with the way you or him is thinking. You don't have to feel bad if your relationship dosn't work out because of this. There are guys who accept this. If you are really afraid of losing him, there are ways around it. You are feeling good about yourself, but how long do you have to continue doing this? Do you have faith that the business will grow so much that you can hire other models to do that? Skinny people are the minority. When I go to do the store I find mostly stuff that are size 10 and above. Maybe you can hire some plus size women looking good in their tummy control swimwear. Your business would grow faster this way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010): I think the previous poster is rigiht, ask if it's okay to model them with your head cut out of the photo.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (2 August 2010):
 Do you think you both might be able to compromise by taking pictures of just your body, you know, with your head cut out of the frame? I don't know if it would make him feel better if it were more anonymous instead of you walking down the street and someone being like hey i jacked off to that girl's ebay picture last night (what are the chances!)--you know, does the identifiability part that bug him? If your head is already out of the picture, then ah i don't know, i'm on your side for sticking up for your new celebration of yourself...maybe you could just stick the clothes on the mannequins, and go get professional photos done of yourself (although that's so much more costly, compared to your dual benefit of turning a profit and ego validation). sorry i couldn't be more help!
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