A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:When my boyfriend and I first met it was love at first sight. Not something I had ever believed in before especially at 28. After having our 1st date, he called and told me that he was separated with a daughter and going through a divorce. Not the most ideal situation but I was willingly to stick through it because of what I felt. Everything was great..I should also mention he is in the military and married very young. He told his brother about me and wanted to share how happy he was with his mother. From that point on it has been a downward spiral. His mother wants him to stay married just for his child. I know he has contacted his wife and told her he wants to possibly try to work things out, but this isn't what he truly wants..It is all about his child and just wants to be there with her. I have tried breaking up with him but he refuses to let me go. He loves me but he wants to do the right thing whatever that may be. I have told him that IF he is thinking about doing this he needs to tell his wife everything including our relationship. It is not fair that he would only stay in the marriage because of his child and not tell her that. He has gone back and forth with divorce with her since the 1st year that they married. I love this man with every fiber of my being and am so confused and have no idea what I should do. He has distanced himself from me but he loves me and again doesn't want our relationship to be over. Please help me!!!
View related questions:
divorce, military Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (12 September 2009):
 These are the hardest relationships ever. First of all if he's in the military, until he's out, he may not be around very much for either you, his wife or child.
I think the mother wants him to stay married because no one wants a family broken up, especially with young children, if it can be fixed.
He has a revolving door issue with his wife. He wants her but maybe not. He wants you, but you want him all to yourself.
Under these circumstances, he has to decide what his course of action will be.
Children complicate relationships. Its not their fault. Its not his wife's fault either. They got married young and this is the end result of things. So he has a responsibility to care for and raise, and be there for a child.
Your situation is that you're available. And because of that the risk is far greater to him that you will eventually have to leave him, and diminishes if he obtains his divorce.
There's no easy answer here.
So the only thing you can do is tell him that he has to consider what he does very carefully and you're going to sit on the sidelines until he's done.
Remember, if he divorces his wife for you, and in his mind abandons his child, then he may resent you some day for it. So you need to give him the space to make his own decision and its solely his own decision. Not yours.
Obviously you didn't get into this relationship to be a side-dish for a married man. You were in it thinking he was divorcing, and apparently he hasn't done that yet.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 September 2009):
 Well you are in a hard situation. You fell in love with a guy who wasn't quite "done" with his previous relationship.
I would tell him you need to back off til he has made up his mind about what HE wants. If he wants to work it out with the wife ( even for the sake of a child) then he needs to let you go. And you will have to let him go as well.
If he wants to be in a relationship with YOU, he needs to finish hi divorce, settle the visitation rights, child support and so forth BEFORE you two can really move on together - otherwise all you will get out of this is heartbreak and drama.
If you two are "meant" to be you will be.
...............................
A
female
reader, boo22  +, writes (11 September 2009):
 Hi there, hope you're ok. I'm sorry to tell you this but it comes across to me that this guy is bulls*iting you. He is using his kid as an excuse to stay with his mrs.He probably enjoys the whole drama of it all. If he wanted to be with you full time he would be.Why should he leave his wife and kid? He's getting everything he wants from you right now. This could cause you many years of heartache.If he cheats on his wife with you, he'll cheat on you with someone else. He doesnt want you in his life full time, just when things get dull at home. Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (11 September 2009):
 He sounds like he has complicated his life beautifully.
Love does not conquer all. Sometimes the greatest love is the one we have for ourselves.
While I am sure you WANT to believe his version of events, how can you even be sure that he is being fully honest with you. He isn't being honest with the mother of his child.
I recommend you separate yourself from his drama and ask him to contact you once he's made a decision about what to do. You did not marry the wrong person too young and did not make a baby with that wrong spouse.
Why should you deal with the consequences?
It will take a lot of discipline for you to end this agony for yourself.
Good luck.
...............................
|
