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age
30-35,
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writes: I dated a guy in high school for 2 and a half years. During that time I fell in love with him. He was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first time, my first everything. We ended up being forced apart by my parents from some trouble we got into. I was completely heartbroken. I planned on getting together with him again as soon as I was eighteen.During our time apart I dated a little, but was never able to click with anybody until I started dating a childhood friend. We have known each other for almost eight years and all of a sudden something just clicked. Recently he asked me to marry him and I said yes. I am in love with him.Now I am in touch with my first boyfriend and we are hanging out and I have come to learn that even after not seeing me for over a year he is not over me and wants me back. He doesn't know I'm engaged and I don't know how to tell him. I still love him and I always will. And now I feel like I'm being torn in 2. I'm stuck between the two greatest guys I've ever had walk into my life, and somehow I need to tell one of them to walk back out. I just don't know what to do. I love them both equally... so now where do I go from here?
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engaged, fell in love, heartbroken Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (19 September 2009):
 Sounds great torn,
It looks like he is taking the respect role. Remember to guard your heart, there is still danger.
And a BIG thank you for writing back and letting us know how it came out.
FA
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHI ALL! I want to thank everyone so much for all your advice!
So the other night I told my first boyfriend that I was engaged. It was really hard to do but I knew it was what had to be done and things turned out so much better than I thought they would.
He hugged me and told me he was happy for me, he promised to be at the wedding, and he still wants to maintain the friendship so I'm not losing him forever. So things have worked out really really well.
My fiance is happy that all this is out in the open now and so am I. It makes things so much less stressful. and actually both guys are trying to get a time to hang out and become friends.
Thankyou to EVERYONE who gave me such wonderful advice!!!!!!
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (14 September 2009):
I have been keeping up with this thread. I just wrote a bit at the first because an engagement at 17 didn't seem serious. At this point I an ready to give some real world advice. Many women, including my wife, have trouble understanding the way men react to an engagement. My wife was very upset when her close male friends stopped talking to her when we got engaged. To a guy, when you say "I'm engaged" it means back off I'm taken. You disappear from their radar. To a guy it is not abandoning you, it is respecting your new fiance. You really only need to turn this around to understand it. How would you feel if you saw your fiance having lunch with his old girlfriend? Now that you are engaged the rules are different. You have said to him that you are committed to him and that you promise not to share your affections with anyone else. I would advise you to make a new rule for yourself. You will never be alone with any man except your fiance / husband. This will keep you from temptation and from breaking your fiance's heart. In fact if you need to meet with another man you should bring your fiance along.
A 4 year engagement is a very long time, Without this kind of dedication from both of you you will never make it. You are kind of young for that kind of commitment but in 2 years you will know much better about your relationship and future. Being strictly faithful during the engagement is excellent practice for marriage.
I know that your question is more about how to handle your ex. What I want you to understand is that regardless of how well you handle this he is likely to do some things you don't like. He may stop contacting you, that is okay it means he respects your decision. He may see it as a competition and try to win you back, you need to be firm with him and let him know you are committed and you are not available to date at all. He may be mean and strike back, that means that he still has a strong attachment to you and is hurt. You can apologize to him but restate that you are already engaged and will not be changing your mind. He will have to heal in his own way. If he is very unusuall he will stay a friend and respect your fiance, and you will have to be very careful with your heart, because you do still love him.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think a few other clarification points are in need of stating here...Yes, I am only 17, very soon to be 18, and yes we are both very young to be engaged, but we had not planned on marrying until I am finished with at least my first 4 years of college... when wee are both over 21.I never said I didn't want to be with my fiance, and both guys know the other guy is in my life... unfortunately I just don't know how to tell my first boyfriend exactly how much my current boyfriend/fiance is in my life. But I have told my first boyfriend that I am dating someone, and my fiance knows my ex is in the picture. I just need to tell my first boyfriend I'm engaged without hurting him...
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (12 September 2009):
 You need to tell your first boyfriend the truth. The other "aunts" have similar advice.
The reason why is simple. You want him to know that you're being perfectly honest with him. While he was away you met someone else and fell in love. Now you're engaged.
Its that simple. The boyfriend unfortunately is going to get hurt, but its not your fault or his. This time something happened and it tore the two of you apart.
At least with your fiance' there's an emotional commitment and an investment in the future. The boyfriend has simply waltzed back in and its bad timing for you.
But the truth is probably best for him. It would be much worse if he found out you lied to him.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): I want to marry my fiance... but I don't want to lose my first boyfriend as a friend... Is there any way to do this where nobody gets hurt?
Yes, there is, and you just said it yourself.
Stay with your fiance, and tell your first boyfriend that while you care about him, you're engaged to someone else but really want to still be his friend. As cliched as it is, it sounds like exactly what you seek to do.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 September 2009):
 Don't marry anyone til you know WHAT and WHO you want. And most likely you can not have them both in your life without some kind of drama..
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female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (11 September 2009):
 No. Someone will get hurt.
As for the rest of your post, please re-read what everyone else has written.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust as a clarification, I love both of these guys with all my heart. My first boyfriend and I were complete opposites, and my fiance and I just click. it's really natural with us... but I have never stopped loving my first boyfriend... now I'm being torn in 2. my heart belongs to both of them, but who gets it permanently?I want to marry my fiance... but I don't want to lose my first boyfriend as a friend... Is there any way to do this where nobody gets hurt?
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female
reader, ffogalilly +, writes (11 September 2009):
You're too young to be getting married, your life has not even began yet.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni will be 18 in 12 days
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male
reader, Illithid +, writes (11 September 2009):
 You've only been dating this childhood friend for less than a year, and you're not 18 yet (or have just turned 18)? In all honestly, you're probably too young to marry anyway, particularly if you're still not sure who you want to be with.First off, though, DO NOT marry this man while still feeling like you're in love with the first boyfriend. You should never get married unless you are 100%, totally, utterly sure this is the ONE person you want and will EVER want.Likewise, you have to be honest with the first boyfriend. Tell him that you love him, but that the time apart has introduced a new man. Tell him you are confused, conflicted, and need a little time.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (11 September 2009):
Point of clarification please, is your age 16-17?FA
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female
reader, toocute +, writes (11 September 2009):
Hi you just have to be honest with both of them, whoever was there for you the most and the one that you feel closer with should be the one you choose, you cant have your cake and want to eat it too, hope this is helpful. Have a good weekend.
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female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (11 September 2009):
You are 16 or 17 and are engaged? Wow. I would be inclined to think neither is for you. If you loved the first boy, you'd want to be honest with him no matter how hard it was to do so.The longer you wait, the harder it will be to tell him. You are lying to him by omitting the truth. In fact, you are lying to the second boy through the same means.Why not try NOT being committed to either for a while. You have decades left in front of you. Do you not think you will change between now and then?When picking a life mate, there are important questions few people tend to ask these days and that is why divorce rates are so high.Which one has the most similar life goals to yours? Which one is making something of his life? Which one has the same political and spiritual leanings? It's THOSE details that most determine the staying power of a relationship.Marriage is a partnership. Both individuals do NOT "become one", but compliment each other as they work towards a common goal. Are you aware yet of where you want to be in ten years? Love is a powerful thing, but it alone doesn't keep a relationship going indefinitely. You actually have to WORK at relationships. There is no Cinderella and Prince Charming out here in the real world. Sometimes Prince Charming leaves the toilet seat up and Cinderella sometimes spends too much on shoes.Marriage is a choice that each individual makes everyday. Both people wake up and DECIDE to be with their partner; they CHOOSE to love them and to work at their common goals.You've already broken that vow with your fiancée. You have already stopped deciding every day that you will love him and work with him to make sure the relationship works. I hope this has offered some perspective. Good luck.
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