A
female
age
36-40,
*ourtney_ann
writes:HI guys I need help! I am 23 and having a rough time. I recently graduated with a Bachelor's degree, and have started a "real" job. My boyfriend and I both work midnights (I always worked). I bought a house on my own, even though I have a live-in boyfriend. We are having serious issues. He is 4 years older than me, but just starting community college. He is horrible with money, and I rarely get 800 a month (the mortgage alone is 1200). He knew my expectations ahead of time (we lived together for two years before this), and neither of us were "new" at relationsips (he dated someone for six years, and I for five). When I try to talk to him he gets defensive and turns into a martyr, saying I am too good for him, and I should break up with him. I ask if that is what he wants, and he says no. Our sex life is seriously suffering. I feel very isolated and alone. I want to work this out but, don't know where to start! I didn't go to college to support a guy, and I am not even 25, I shouldn't feel so alone. Now I am wondering if I should just start again. I tried to talk to others I am close with, but all they say is people with dissimilar educations rarely work. I don't know what to do. Just looking for others thoughts.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): Hi Courtney Ann,I know I'm writing this nearly a year after the fact...it doesn't matter because I don't have any advice anyway. All I want to say is that your relationship sounds a lot like mine. My boyfriend and I started living together four years ago, and I started learning how abysmal he is with money. He can't keep a bank account without letting it go negative--one time it was -$1000!!! I found out he owes a thousand or two on a credit card that he initially only charged $100 on. He was employed for most of the last few years, but I was constantly loaning him money or having to pay the majority of expenses. Then in the last year he's had trouble holding down a job at all, putting even more financial burden on me. He's basically a child and a fool, and I'm just as much of a fool for putting up with him. I have the same problem you do...I love him. I came VERY close to dumping him for good a couple of weeks ago, and it scared him into trying harder to get a job. He'll have his second interview this week. Anyway, I feel for you, because it's an eternal battle to deal with a financially irresponsible partner.I agree with the others that it's great you got him to listen and try to work with you. How have things turned out since then?As for the golddigger comment, I have experienced the same kind of criticism, only it's from my boyfriend. When we fight about money, he says I'm all about money, or I want a "rich" man. Sometimes I despise myself for loving him...he's such a big baby in many ways. Courtney, that could be where the feeling of isolation comes from. I'll feel isolated because I feel stuck with him. I'll never know what it's like to be with a "normal" guy that can help with the bills and pay for all of his own things. I spend so much energy dealing with him, I almost never have the energy to spend on other relationships, so for years I haven't had any friends that I spend time with other than during work hours. At least I have my art to give me my life satisfaction, as well as the times when my boyfriend and I can forget about money problems and just have fun. Good luck, Courtney Ann. I hope things work out for you one way for another.p.s. You and I are also similar because I'm female, with a bachelor's degree and an associate's degree, and my boyfriend only has a GED and some college.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): Your last post looks very promising. My boyfriend is similarly bad with money. He's dishonest with me about it & never wants to talk about it. The fact that you're guy actually asked you to communicate with him about how you're feeling is awesome. And if you see him already doing things differently, he's obviously willing to work on it. I sincerely hope it's something he can & will do permanently.
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (3 August 2007):
 I'm glad that you were able to talk; it's the most important thing here. Tell your friend who called you a "gold digger" that wanting someone who is as financially responsible as you are is called wanting "compatibility" and looking to the future, NOT gold digging.
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A
female
reader, Courtney_ann +, writes (2 August 2007):
Courtney_ann is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi guys,
Well he has agreed to let me try and teach him how to budget (he claims he has no clue, which is obvious). I am keeping his debit card, which is what he usually spends with. I really do love him, and he is putting in effort. He let me speak without interrupting. He pointed out in recent months he has taken action to curb his spending (he quit smoking with me and we are 45 days since our last cigarette, which saves us like 340 a month, and he is going back to school). He has been making me dinner, instead of going out. Today after our fight, he found s part time job, which he starts next week. He pleaded with me not to give up on him, so we will give it 3 months and see what happens. On the isolation, he says he had no clue I felt this way, and I need to communicate more. He also pointed out maybe I am feeling lonely because, I lost the close relationships I had in college when I moved, and also because I am working midnights for the first time (he had similar feelings). Also, my new job as an ICU nurse, with a new company is highly stressful, especially for a new RN.
P.S. I tried to talk to one friend about this, and she called me a "gold digger"! Please know this is not the case! I just like paying my bills on time, it stresses me out when I have to choose which bill to pay.
Thank you to everyone
This was my first question and I was really nervous about asking!
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (1 August 2007):
 I think people from different educational backgrounds can work out but differences in attitudes to finances can be a big problem. I used to live with an ex and we split up purely because I uncovered a huge amount of debt and student loans that he had and I came to realise he would never change and I didnt want to spend my life that way. He lost his job and starting spending like a lunatic out of boredom and he couldnt help out with the bills in my apartment but nevertheless found money to spend on DVDs every time he went out. I found him a good job and he refused to take it so I showed him the door. My point is that if you and he are fundamentally different about financial management then it will always be a blister on your relationship. You don't sound very happy or optimistic about the situation and I would say go with your gut feeling about this. His victim routine about not being worthy is just a strategy to get you to feel sorry for him and not actually addressing the issues. The only radical solution would be to take total control of his finances which means he hands over his salary and you take what you need for the bills while giving him back a portion for personal expenses. If he is not prepared to deal with such an arrangement then you should seriously consider your future with him.
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (1 August 2007):
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but he's likely not going to change. I always thought my husband would finish his degree and he never did. He's currently a stay-at-home dad, which he's GREAT at, but we don't balance the checkbook like I did before we moved in together, and if we have $$ he spends it. There's never anything in the savings account. And I have to be the one who's in charge of our finances -- while he treats paying bills as if I'm getting out of doing the dishes. Sigh. He has other strengths and we're good together, but this frequently frustrates me.
You need to decide if you're okay with him the way he is. And it will be a lot of work to insulate your lives from his inability to work with finances.
The one thing you really need to work on is the fact that he keeps you from talking about the issues that need to be worked out. If your communication is so bad there will be other things you won't be able to talk about. And if you're to keep him from breaking the two of you, he's got to be willing to (1) let you take the lead, and (2) be willing to talk to you about it.
I recommend TONS of premarital counseling (even if you're not going to marry soon). If you can work out the communication issues, and if you decide that he has other strengths that he brings to the relationship that are worth having you needing to take over your financial lives, then you have a chance.
Otherwise I say start over. Wish I had easier advice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2007): It isn't just about education. I don't have a degree & I am great with money. I am very responsible. Your boyfrind is irresponsible with money. I know a lawyer who is horribly irresponsible with money & gambles & drinks all his money away. His girlfriend is a bar tender & supports them both. The root of the problem is that you have different principles. He assumes you will take care of the financial aspect so he is not worred about it. That is wrong of him however. I feel that a man should never mooch off of a woman, no matter what the circumstances. It makes me sick to see that happeneing. What I feel you should do is to ask yourself why are you even with him? Have you outgrown him since you graduated college and have the means to support yourself and have a bright future? I think that is what happened. You have moved up in life and he hasn't. I would recommend breaking it off with him and dating around. Don't settle for less than what you deserve from a partner. If you're feeling so lonely with your current man, then is it even worth staying with him? I would explain to him that you feel he isn't contributing to your lifestyle as much as you are, and you want a partner that can at least contribute half. And explain that you feel like you are alone & that you know you have different goals in life. The sex life being bad is a sure sign that you're not where you should be. God Luck.
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