A
female
age
30-35,
*eatriza
writes:Hello!So, I am starting a serious relationship for the first time, and I want it to work. I am, however, very unsatisfied with my boyfriend's sexual performance, and I need some good help because I tried what I could and that didn't work. I will explain my case:My boyfriend used to be very fat until a couple of years now, and that has greatly affected his self-confidence. I am his first girlfriend, and although he says he had sex with 3 girls in the past I'm sure this is not true. If he did have sex in the past it was with one girl at its most, still, my thoughts are that he was a virgin until we had sex.My problems is that my boyfriend is as bad as someone can be. Starting from when we cuddle - he starts laughing! It feels like he is a little kid who is embarrassed of being touched or showing affection. Then when we start kissing or being sexual he still has this smile on his face. I know it is weird that a smile annoys me so much, but it is the same smile a middle school kid would give when he hears the world vagina. It is like sex is still laughing matter for him, and that is a huge turn off, cause he is 21. I don't expect a 21 year old to be embarrassed of sex.About kissing: he is a terrible kisser. He used to make his mouth, tongue and lips very rigid during the kiss - and I just hate it. He realized we were not matching at all during our kisses, and he even said I had to teach him how to kiss. I did try to show him how to improve, and now he is more relaxed during the kiss(still using hard tongue though), but he is now passing so much saliva during our kisses, which is gross! When we are foreplaying he has no idea how to do stuff. In the beginning he was putting too much strength on my clit, and that would obviously not be good. I tried to explain it was a sensitive area and you should only put more strength if I showed I wanted it. It is so hard to teach him though! I put his hands on my clit, and put just a little strength as I wanted him to put, and as soon as I take my hands of he is back trying to 'stab' my clit with his finger. He has no sensibility! He touches me down there with very rigid fingers rather then softly as I was tell him! I say the word soft like 5 times on average for each time he is touching my vagina. Soft and firm is a concept he doesn't know, so for the few times he is actually not putting too much strength on it, he still has his fingers all very rigid and he just rubs his hand on my clit very weirdly in a way he is not putting any pressure, he is just passing his hand on it.Last but not least, he is terrible in bed! We only had sex twice (I tried to have it so many times but he always claims he is too tired), and both times I had to go on top if I wanted to get any pleasure out of it. First time it lasted like 3 minutes, and I was on top for like 2 and a half. Second time we tried so hard but he couldn't get his penis to stay inside, in any position! Which is very weird because his dick is actually big, definitely beyond 7, so it shouldn't be that much of challenge to keep it inside if its hard (and it was). So it led me to think that he doesn't even know how to do a basic humping motion which I firstly believed all male individuals would know, I mean, you can be bad at everything but at least be able to keep your penis inside for longer than two bumps - I mean, the maintenance of our species depends on it for Christ sake! I soon realized that it was me again on top or no sex - so I promptly attempted to change positions and go on top. As unbelievable as it seems that even THAT would wrong, he started trying to move his hips so he would feel like he is actually doing something, but I was moving sideways, and he started to move up and down. I don't know what he was doing, he probably didn't either, but sex is about harmonic movement, not about having a dick moving on 4 different directions with absolutely no compass. So, after this huge testimonial I come to conclude that I 'won' the lottery and I got the very worst of the worst - as mean as it sounds. And I am actually very easy to please in bed, I know myself well and I don't usually have problems with guys in bed - i have no shame on my business, don't mind taking initiative neither pointing out my preferences, and that usually happens very subtly, most of the times I don't even have to verbally say it and the guy gets it already through body language but my boyfriend has a learning impairment when it comes about sex, at least that's how I feel about it. Also, once I came to an orgasm with him masturbating me and I just reached an orgasm cause for me is really easy to do so, not because he was good, and later on he kind of bragged about it, and i called him on that saying that its not cool when guys brag about sexual performance but what i really meant to say was:'please do not at any circumstance convince yourself that you're actually good in any sex related activity'Even with all that I still love him and want to help him, but is it even possible ? I want to hear feedback from men - were any of you anything like this when you first started being sexually active ? Do you know cases of people who were and got better ? Is there still hope or is he a natural disaster ? Looking forward to read replies, I really need someone to give me some perspective on the subject.
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foreplay, kisser, kissing, orgasm, vagina Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (2 March 2013):
 Yes! Keep posting here over and over! I like to hear follow-ups, and I'm curious about how your story goes with this guy. With all of the posts on here that get my blood boiling or make me upset, this one is adorable and makes me smile!
The fact that there's a spark AND that he's eager to learn means that you've got the battle 90% won already.
Believe it or not, even though he's a lot more inexperienced overall, you both are on the adventure. It is imperative to applaud him whenever he succeeds in giving you pleasure. Let him brag. Far from making him feel like he's arrived, it'll motivate him to learning how to do it better.
Like I said before, if he is able to give you an orgasm, that's a huge thing because many men who are considered experienced and worldly have female partners who are faking it. That's the one thing that'll derail him is you faking it, so never do it. THAT will cement bad techniques and then you will be miserable. That's the issue I have with porn that what you see on TV is pretty much the girl faking it by moaning like a wildebeest, which doesn't teach ACTUAL pleasuring techniques, but are rather images designed to get men off.
I would recommend getting the books "The Joy of Sex" and "Sex - How to do Everything". Trust me, after reading these, you'll feel like you've got a lot to try out and learn too, and it'll be fun for both of you!
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (2 March 2013):
 Hey, we love follow ups here! It's always good to hear we're helping or get more info to help us help you better.
It's good that you feel that spark. That means a lot and speaks toward your compatibility with each other. While you may not want to lay it out for him like you have here just yet (I agree it could really damage his confidence) it would be a good idea for you to seriously tell him how important this aspect of your relationship is to you. The example of constantly having to be gentle is something that needs to be addressed. A sincere conversation with eye contact and reaffirming words will help. It will be hard but you want to do your best to hide your frustration while you have that conversation.
I had another suggestion that came to me. Some of his discomfort may come from the fascination that comes form exploring a woman for the first real time. It might be fun to have him explore your naked body. It could be quite erotic as well. You could even demonstrate on him. Make him get naked and say you want to explore each other. Tell him that it needs to be done with gentle touches and kisses. Then show him. Could be a lot of fun and might help him get over some of his obvious shyness (which he'll most likely never admit to out of a false need to be macho).
If you have the patience it could be very rewarding. It's not often you can shape a lover from scratch. I wish you the best of luck, and as someone with a high sex drive I can sympathize from experience when those drives don't match.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (1 March 2013):
 i can't lie, that was probably the funniest post i've read on here. ever.
he sounds hopeless. lol.
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A
female
reader, beatriza +, writes (1 March 2013):
beatriza is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen I wrote my problem here I didn't think I would get so much good and useful feedback, thank you all so much!!!
To the female reader who answered me, I really enjoyed reading your story and the way you would see your husband's sex struggle with humor and patience really inspired me to look at my boyfriend in a different way. That motivated me to try all I can - firstly because it would be awesome to see him turning into a great lover(or maybe just good might be enough), and also because maybe he wont find another girl to do so in future relationships. I don't want to keep posting here over and over, just thought I should thank you guys, your help was very much appreciated!
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A
male
reader, Hennessy1989  +, writes (1 March 2013):
 If you love him and want things to work out then tell him how u feel in a subtle way, show him what you like
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A
female
reader, auntymarie +, writes (1 March 2013):
I'm so sorry you've met a lovely man and are not happy in the bedroom. There is always that worrying moment in all new relationships when you cross the line and become lovers....How will it pan out? Now not all lovers are an immediate hit but I would conclude from what you have said that you are wasting your time. Sex in adult relationships is hugely important. Starting off with problems that your partner is not really addressing, that is now making you angry and probably slightly wary of trying sex again really does not bode well. He may even be gay and trying not to be, but has no instinct with women. Relationships are meant to be fun and maybe develop into a forever relationship. Do you see yourself currently having fun? Or lasting forever with a poor sex life. There are many wonderful men out there for you, who pride themselves on pleasing their women. I wish you the best in whatever decision you make, it will be the right one for you, have strength.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 March 2013):
I'm not a guy, but my husband was a virgin when I met him, and I had to smile at what you said. I'm actually the first woman he ever kissed, and trust me, there was a lot of laughing at first.
On our wedding night (he wanted to wait until marriage!), there was a lot of laughing. He was giddy, and it was infectuous to me...I never laughed so hard during sex in my entire life. He told me later that he was so nervous he couldn't help it, and my laughing with him really made it easier for him. He had brought condoms just in case (we ended up ditching them), and we were blowing them up and letting them go in the hotel room.
It took a lot of teaching, and fumbling, and awkward moments and when he finally gave me an orgasm (definitely not on the first night), he bragged to me *big* time, and I totally bragged on him. What made it possible was that he was really eager to learn. He still is, and so am I. I'd say we've advanced meteorically since then, but we both try new things out, sometimes to embarrassing results (swirlies are NOT stimulating to me!) for one or both of us, and sometimes it's mind-blowingly incredible.
He really kisses well now, when he used to kiss a bit like your guy does at first. I made him sit still and relax his lips and tongue and showed him how to do it and wouldn't let him kiss back at first. As for the sex, I had to be patient too, and I wasn't Ms. Experienced either! I, like you, knew how to get off, which is why I tell everyone on here starting out that knowing how to give yourself an orgasm is really important. I told him when it came to oral and hand stimulation to treat me like a bubble at first, that if you press on a bubble too hard, it would break because it's fragile. I told him to touch me like he was feeling the texture on a silk shirt (I wore lots of those back then...happy 90's!).
I think you don't have much chance if he's not a good learner, but you really have to applaud his positive achievements. Let him brag if he gives you an orgasm! Many guys very experienced can't do it, and many other guys think that only his penis is allowed to do it, so reinforce the good things your guy does and let him feel like the king of the world...it'll make teaching easier.
Otherwise, if he's just not getting it, I don't think there's much hope.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2013): Do you have a problem with him watching porn? If not, maybe you should find some amature porn videos that show people who are obviously into one another progressing from making out to foreplay to sexual intercourse.I am a woman and up until recently I would say I was pretty terrible in bef because I had no rhythm and could not relax. I started watching porn to get a better idea of how to be sexy and ways to please my fiance because i knew he was not very satisfied with me sexually. (He was much more experienced when we met.) i finally decided to watch amature porn because many of the videos were of couples who were obviously into one another sexually. They had a rhythm and sensuality together that regular porn was lacking.If you are okay with him watching porn with you, why not find some videos of couples that have the mature sense of rhythm, sensuality, and expertise you would like your boyfriend to one day have? Why not put on music that has a good beat to move to before you begin to experiment? Why not learn more about each other's bodies? Where is he sensitive? Where are you sensitive? Fat kids (I was one, and I am engaged to a man who was as well) often have an oral fixation. If given proper direction, you can use this to your advantage. Sorry if this is too much information, but the way I was finally able to get my fiance to stop mashing my clit with his fingers (it really hurt! :-( ) was to show him with my tongue on one of his fingertips the amount of pressure that was acceptable and what motions I preferred.Also, if you have sensitive nipples and your guy doesn't and you would like him to put in more effort/time when playing with them...play with them yourself and explain to him that nipples are almost as sensitive as your clit and tell him that you really enjoy if he would do x, y, and z... (x, y, and z being what you would want him to do).Finally, instead of him practicing on your clit, maybe you should have him practice on one of your breasts? If all else fails and he doesn't seem to understand what you are saying, you may have to get a bit rough with his guy parts. My fiance was being way to rough with my clit and my attempts to discourage his rough groping/poking weren't working because he was a little drunk. So, i started groping and poking at him doing to his sensitive parts the same thing he was doing to mine. When he got pissy and asked me what the hell i thought I was doing, I explained that I was trying to see if it felt good to him because the only possible explaination for what he was doing to me was that he must like it himself. He apologized and it hasn't happened since.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (1 March 2013):
Friends or Lovers that is the question. I read your painful situation with your boyfriend re his sexual problems. I would advise that he might go with you to a counsellor and get some help. Because i would certainly question the fact that when you try to guide him on a sexual level he starts to laught.Best Luck Nora B.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (1 March 2013):
I'm speechless... uhhhh... It's almost as if it's a comedy because I can't imagine him being worse. Many guys need time to learn, I know I did, but it happened relatively quickly.
I think you're just going to have to continue to teach him and be veeeeeerrry patient.
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A
female
reader, beatriza +, writes (1 March 2013):
beatriza is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your feedback! I appreciate a lot your suggestions and I think it might actually work!
As weird as it sounds we do have some compatibility, I feel horny when I am around him, and if after all of this I am still willing to try to help him it shows that we do have a spark.
I do, however, have a somewhat high sex drive and sex is very important for me in a relationship. That means I'll try but if after some point I feel like I am being helpless, I will probably start considering a break up. He seems like he is willing to learn though- he even said last time we had sex that he would try to improve his performance. He is not neglecting me or being selfish in bed at any means - but that makes me wonder what is the case: if he is not improving it cause he CANT or if doesn't understand how bad he is and that's why he keeps doing the wrong stuff over and over.
I think your advice of opening up to him is great but I'll save it for the last, because I also don't want to hurt his self-confidence - he doesn't have a lot to begin with.
Again, thank you very much and wish me luck!
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (1 March 2013):
I'm going to admit that I laughed a little at your pain while I read this. Sorry, I really do feel for you.
He really sounds like a guy with no sexual experience who is shy and embarrassed by the topic. From what you've described, that wouldn't usually be a problem. The problem is that he doesn't seem to learn from the instruction. Personally, I was very fortunate in that the girl I lost my virginity too knew what she wanted and wasn't afraid to tell me or even instruct me when necessary. I'm proud that I was a quick learner though. I think most men are, but some of us are blockheads.
Is he interested in sex? Does he initiate? How does he initiate?
As much as you may not want to hear this, sexual compatability is very important in a relationship. As much as you love him, he may not be for you, and you may make better friends than lovers.
I would suggest you sit him down and lay this out for him. Basically what you've told us here. He needs to know this if you're going to progress. He needs to be more attentive.
Some things that you can do that may help (based on your comfort levels of course)
-simultaneous masturbation. Have him watch you get off while he does the same to himself.
-Find a porn that shows sex the way you like it and watch it together.
-Keep instructing him, but tell him that he needs to remember this stuff because it is very important to you.
Honesty in bed is incredibly important. Some of his behavior will probably go away with a growing comfort with each other. Some of what you describe definitely doesn't bode well for the future.
Good luck
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