A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My bf of 11 months and I have been having many trust related problems since we met. I just discovered that 1 month ago he created an online profile looking for friends. It is on a website that caters to the specific type of men he is sexually attracted to, and on that site they are mostly looking for sex. I logged into it without him knowing and read through his messages, and I saw that he has told several men how hot and sexy and handsome they are, and learned that he has had phone and chat conversations with some of them. I talked to my bf about this, he said he wants to make friends for both of us to socialize with, and he says its no big deal, that I think those things about men I see too. I tried to explain to him there is a difference between thinking and saying something, and that he is leading these men on to want something more than friendship. We can not see either's side of this and I am really angry about it. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone for all the great advice and comments....well, he deleted the profile without me asking, and he doesn't want to talk about it anymore....ugh... all i want is for him to understand my point of view but I don't think he ever will....
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2007): Straight men DO NOT flirt with other men. EVER.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2007): Speaking from experience, these sites are weirdly addictive; get involved and try it for yourself; Most of the time it's a bit of harmless fun - something to do if your at a loose end, and that may be exactly how he sees it.Don't throw a good relationship away over something as trivial as a bit of online flirting - you may end up loasing a guy who really cares about you... I know.All that said, if it goes any further and he starts wanting to meet these guys, run like the wind!!Good luck!B
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2007): Having read your post, I have just one question for you:WHY is this man STILL your boyfriend?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2007): If the website you are talking about is gaydar? why dont you set up a profile and if you know his password you can link his profile to yours by stating you are partners.That is what i did with my partner.It wasnt a matter of trust issues for me i thought well if he is on there why shant i be.And once people know you are in a relationship they dont bother so much as they are mainly looking for single people.
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A
female
reader, TygersDream  +, writes (5 March 2007):
 He's either stubborn, naive or really gutsy to be admitting to his online activities to you.
If he REALLY wants to find friends for the both of you to hang out with, then join him when he goes online for a chat. Be open, be playful, be crazy. He might feel a little shamefaced with you sitting there while he 'flirts' with the other guys and might realize what he's actually doing. If he has a conscience and is totally devoted to you, he'll stop what he's doing because the discomfort is too much to bear. Or you guys will totally enjoy flirting with other guys and have something to laugh about later. Who knows? You might actually enjoy it. Look for another website that caters to men who actually DO want to find FRIENDS.
If he DOES refuse to let you join him when he's online, then there's obviously something fishy. Mind you, it already sounded fishy when he joined the chatroom without telling you and had conversations with these guys. I wouldn't worry about the other guys' feelings at this point, I'd worry about your boyfriend's.
THe other uncomfortable possibility is that he has an online social circle where he can flirt, and have an online 'affair'.
Some people can go online and flirt but it never trickles into their real lives. THey turn the computer off, and go to bed with you, their hours online forgotten. I don't know what your boyfriend is like, though, does he get carried away? Up to this point, do you think your relationship was satisfying? Maybe there's something he misses - like his bachelorhood. Again, he could just enjoy that for a few hours before he gets bored of it and comes to bed. Perhaps that's why he didn't want to tell you - as he said, it's not a big deal (to him) and he just wants to while away his time talking to different people.
If he really wants to find new friends, can't you find real-life activities to do that will bring you in contact with other people? I know it sounds pretty utopian, who HAS the time to go out when you come home from work. And who wants to go out and make new friends when you just want to stay in the whole weekend? All the same, if he's bored with your current circle of friends, it wouldn't hurt to do something different.
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A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (5 March 2007):
 I would say to him if he wants to do this then let you in on it too. Both of you sit down together and chat. He should also let these guys know that he is actually WITH a partner at present and is online looking to meet new friends and hear about their experiences. If he does this then everything is out in the open and he has nothing to hide from you any more.
If he doesn't want to do it then I think it's time to re evaluate your relationship.
Eve
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