A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 37 yo gay man. 1 year ago I met a man online who lives in France. We fell in love, after 3 months I flew out to meet him, we got engaged. 3 months later I left the USA to live with him. We have had problems since the start, but I thought they could be dealt with. I soon realized that he lies, hide things from me, hates when I ask "too many questions", gets texts and calls any time of the day, and has a very bad temper. He often screams at me and everyone he knows, and uses foul language all the time. I almost ended the relationship twice. Yesterday I moved out while he was at work, and he was devastated when he got home. He called me crying, begging to take him back. I am just so tired of all the stress and pressure I feel with him. I feel confused, betrayed, and hurt, I just can't think. This is the only relationship I've been in, and at my age I feel like it is my only chance. He said he will do anything if I return. I don't know how to trust him anymore...
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at work, broke up, engaged, fell in love, moved out, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2007): That's so sad that you feel that this relationship is your only chance at happiness, dear. That type of thinking will keep you cemented in this relationship, if you aren't more choosier. You need to believe in your 'right' to be loved in a healthy , mature, kind way. If it were me in your shoes, I'd rather alone and at peace than living with an unhealthy person who lashes out at me in such a cruel way. The man had temper problems and he treats you like crap. An ill mannered, bad-tempered man who treats you this way, is a poor choice as a loving partner, no matter how much you think he needs you. I believe that you you are painfully realizing that his personality and temper issues are not going to improve with time. If you do, you are kidding yourself. He needs some help to learn the damaging effects of his temper on others. Tell him to get himself into some counseling for his anger problems. Also, tell him you will not be coming back to him until he all that resolved and can keep himself under control and behave in a positive, mature, sensible manner. This is setting an important boundary and you need to be strong and do this. If he can't do this or won't do this..then be prepared to go it alone or go back to the abuse. If you choose to be single, learn from all this. And in the future, choose compassionate, nice people for a life-mate for the good, loving qualities he exhibits toward you and others. The only way you can do that? Be their friend and go slowly getting to know them before committing. Look out for yourself. Take care, hun.
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