A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend had been together for 4 years and he gave me hint to propose me soon. We've discussed about marriage before and yesterday he asked me to look for bedroom design that I like.Problem is, he's the only son in his family and he told me before that we would live in his current house with his parent, while deep inside my mind I want to live just 2 of us. I want a happy and private life. There's stories out there how evil mother in law is. Lol..I don't know what he's thinking now because he's kind of boyfriend that often give me surprises. But lately he told me that we will live in his current house with his parents. I just can't imagine living in that crowded house. His mother sometimes nagging about how long I prepared to go out when they fetch me (In the back of me of course). I've expressed my dislike on his idea. I wish to live in a new home where we can decorate the house together and create what we like without other intervention. He knows this and he said he will try to find out the solution. While sometimes he said he can't leave his parent. His sisters are also married and not living with their in laws. They live in his house with their own family. I think they understand how annoying are in laws.What should I do? Please help.. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 February 2014):
 Wait a minute, - I am not sure, maybe I am getting you mixed up with another poster and this case I apologize. But I have got the feeling that you might have written us before about this man and situation...
Is that a guy who works in his family business ? A bakery or convenience store or something ? The one that your parents like as a person... but they are worried that the social and financial differences mught be too much for you ? And, most importantly,- the one whom you have caught cheating on you some time ago- even if now he seems to be behaving ?....
In this case, to me it's a no brainer. Maybe I am not romantic enough , and I think that big differences in background , income, habits and lifestyle in the long run CAN very possibly create big problems and difficulties- then again, I also am romantic enough to think that if you find a really good man, someone whom you can trust and respect ,... he is worth sacrifices and adjustments in terms of , say, living location, finances, and expectations.
But, a cheater ? Hell no . Do you really want to go live in a way that repels to you, and will make you miserable more often than not... for a guy that can't even stay faithful ??
Plus, .. I am taking back today what I said yesterday about cultural differences , and the need not to judge any culture by the parameters of our culture. I have changed my mind- ( even Aunts can be caricious at times :). It was the mom's factor who did it. Screw culture, and screw your society expectations ! His mom said, his mom wants, his mom planned .... what, on top of everything, and of not being able to provide you with a decorous accomodation... he is also a momma's boy ?? If he cares more about pleasing his mom than about pleasing you- then tell him to go marry his mom !
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2014): I'm the original poster. I've told him that I can't live like that. He told me that that's the way his mom plan for him. We will live in his current crowded house. My heart feel so heavy hurt and I've cried. He told me to think again about our relationship whether I can accept his situation or not. I know he also want to make me happy but his parent planned that. I don't know what to do anymore. I wish I can told my parent or anybody about this but I just don't want my parent to worry about me. I don't want they sad because of what has been going. I'm so stressed out and often cried in the middle of the night thinking of this.
What should I do and say to him? I wish he can change his mind and I wish this won't going to be true.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (8 February 2014):
 Tell him straight that you aren't living with his parents. He can come up with another plan. It may seem like brinkmanship strategy but you need to establish what are none-starters for you in any relationship you have.
The test then - and this is crucial - will he choose his mummy and daddy over you?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (8 February 2014):
My answer is inevitably superficial, being influenced by customs and attitudes of my culture, area and society.
The type of patriarcal structure with many generations living under one roof was already disappearing, out of rural areas, in the first quarter of the 20th century , and was over and gone by the 50s or 60s. Now, nobody would DREAM of living this way- unless maybe if they were in dire straits economically, or the parents were very old, ill and unable of living alone and unassisted.
Besides, I think that a big, big part of forming a new family consists precisely in branching out,in starting a NEW living unit, in which you can enjoy privacy and independence, set your own rules and routines, and shed your role of daughter or son to act that of parent yourself.
If you have to be a daughter for life... might as well to be a daughter in your OWN parents's house, at least you know them better and know how to handle their quirks.
So, obviously for me, it would be a no brainer- heck no. no marriage unless there are separate lodgings, not just because of commodity or preference , but because having separate lodgings is integral part of establishing a new couple and family unit. For me, I guess I'd have to say : Whaaat ? Are you nuts ! you've gotta be kidding. Then again, ... a man who asked me ( or my younger version, actually ) to go live with his father and mother and sisters and in laws and nieces and nephews... would probably actually BE a certified nutcase, because it simply something that people do not do in our society ,except perhaps after an earthquale or a flood or something.
I realize , though, that other cultures and traditions are different and I guess yours is a bit on the fence about living arrangements- some male sons still live at home, and feel it's their duty to do so, and some others don't and branch out independently.
In this case it's harder because what somewhere else would be the normal, legitimate ,unchallengeable right of a new bride, becomes a " special request ", a special favour that may be granted or not.
I guess you should first of all talk very clearly with your bf, so that there are no surprises, and no changes of heart. "Maybe he can maybe not ", it's not good enough , when thinking of marrying- he needs to make his choice, Talk to him, explain him clearly your wish, and by what it is notivated, try to show him the advantages which living on your own would bring to your couple- state your case and then ask him for a firm decision, a yes or not. Has he got guts enough to live like an independnet adult,.. or does he feel that his committment to his parents is anyway stronger and more important than his committment to you and your future ?..
You need to know NOW and to know for sure. I am not saying that if he says " no, I have to stay with my parents " he is a bad guy and I am not saying that you need to leave him. But , on turn, you can decide firmly and finally if you love him enough to go live in a way you feel strongly against , and if you have it in you to make such a big sacrifice in order to be with him.
In other words- make very sure what you'd be signing up for , this is not something that after 4 years can still be up in the air , if you want to share a future.
( Said that , sorry but, if it were me, it would still be heck no ! if he does not change his mind, no matter how in love I am. Personally, I'd give up to Brad Pitt rolled in with Bill Gates, if they wanted to make me live with such a superextended family. Marriage is about creating a family, not joining a tribe ! )
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