A
female
age
41-50,
*healing
writes:About 2 weeks ago I went to my husbands office holiday party. It was a fun night. However, it was also the first time I met my husbands new secretary. They both started at about the same time in new positions so I understand the way they must depend on each other at work. Still I am uncomfortable. My husband suggested that Betty is super friendly and we'd get along great. We see her a few minutes after arriving and when he introduces me she is almost speechless I hardly get a HI. The entire night she is standoffish and generally unfriendly. I really wanted to like this girl so I invite her to sit with us (other wives I had made friends with) during dinner. She joined us visible reluctantly. As the other wives and I chatted away she sat there totally silent. I noticed and addressed her directly making some small talk about a recent lifestyle change I am embarking on. She turns to me and says "I know. We TALK" By now I had already had 2 glasses of wine and frankly was having a great time. So I am almost 100 % sure those werent her exact words I am paraphrasing. Needless to say her comment took me completely by surprise. Of course my husband and Betty work closely together so they talk. But to have the only words to me "we talk" seems snide.Just at that moment a friend walked up and asked if I wanted to eat and Betty jumped up and returned to her seat at the other end of the table. I enjoyed the rest of the evening with my husband but mentioned that I thought that she had developed feelings for him over the last 8 months. He then confesses that another coworker had said to him the he thought Betty liked him. I let it go but after a week what she said started eating at me. I wondered what they talk about. Why she was soo unfriendly toward me. My husband is the sweetest most sincere guy and I trust him. Everyone always says how much he talks about me and seems so proud to be married to me. he is the guy EVERYbody loves. So I get it. since I am so bothered by her comment, can I call his coworker and ask what she meant by "we talk"? I don't want to seem jealous or be unprofessional since they work closely together. Nonetheless I didn't say "we talk" so I honestly dont know what she meant by it and not knowing is driving me mad. I trust my husband but I think this girl has been being super friendly toward him because she likes him and I want her to know I know. I just really need clarification.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 February 2014):
 I would NOT call a co-worker of your husband's nor would I confront the woman.
I would instead, point out to your hubby you are WELL AWARE of how SHE feels. more than likely he's totally devoted to you and clueless about how she feels. I have seen this with my hubby. When I see a young woman who finds him attractive and she gets all flirty and even possessive with him, I will say something to him and he's so focused on what he's doing he's clueless that she's trying to get his attention in that way. Also because he's committed to me a woman hitting on him goes right over his head.
Ask your hubby what he thinks of her behavior and if he's aware she's set him in her sight.... he may not even be aware and therefore he may feed her feelings without meaning to.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2014): Okay, take what I'm saying with a pinch of salt because I'm imagining a worst case scenario that may not be beginning and also may never unfold.
What you have said rang deep alarm bells for me. My ex partner is a very similar character to your husband - everyone loved him, very easy to get along with, very kind BUT not always so good about keeping the correct boundaries in place - came from a very close, large and warm family, so his boundary blurring was due to a tendency to treat everyone like family, rather than anything else.
BUT
Some women are entirely capable of taking advantage of this. They know EXACTLY how to worm their way into the heart of such a man and to get what they want.
WiseOwlW is right, she is deliberately making you feel very unsettled and insecure so that you start to doubt your husband and cause him to feel pressured. This is exactly how some women begin to split up a relationship. The 'evidence' is in the fact that she was extremely rude, in an underhand way, to you. She ignored you wherever possible, behaved in a condescending and patronising way by saying 'we TALK'. This is rather than just be courteous and friendly as one would expect.
The problem with being with a nice guy is that they often have extreme difficulty in being 'the bad guy'. This caused massive problems between my ex and I, especially to do with how other people treated me whilst in his company, and especially with some women. He is probably so nice that he is oblivious to the idea that anyone can be horrible to you whilst he is even in the same room as you. It just won't really enter into his head. BUT he has been slightly irresponsible in not looking out for you and just assuming that all is okay. He has also been very irresponsible in discussing anything of your life with her. Maybe he did it purely through his pride in you or being friendly, but he has been a bit childish in that sense. It's what my ex used to do and he literally could not see how other people could take what he had said out of context. For example, he once caused me an enormous amount of upset and a bad reputation by saying to some particularly spiteful women in my college that "she was drinking quite a lot at that stage". What he meant was that I'd had one night of getting blind drunk after a long and drawn out horrible period in my life - I'm otherwise almost tee-total - and lo and behold a rumour started that I'd had alcoholism problems, and from there on these two women found even more 'evidence' that I was untrustworthy etc etc and it spiralled down from there.
My parter for a long time was also totally oblivious to when women were flirting with him - seriously - I once happened across a woman touching his neck because he had a little rash there. This was in a party situation. I just walked out and he came running after me completely flummoxed. It led to far more serious problems later on.
So what I'm saying is that your husband needs to act more like a team with you when you are out and not assume that all is fine and that because a woman is lovely to him she will be the same with you.
You must talk to your husband about this but be very clear and very careful about how you go about it, because, as WiseOwlE pointed out, she is trying to plant insecurity and mistrust between the two of you. She also sound very jealous, maybe not so much of you personally, but of your status as his wife - do you work at all? If she is working as secretary it is highly likely that she wants out of that role and into being someone's wife so that she doesn't have to work day in and day out in that way. If you don't work, she will have already grown much more jealous of you and will want your role.
Don't talk to anyone else about this except for your husband. But maybe begin by talking about something else entirely - give an example of when a friend and her husband had a totally different impression of someone or were treated totally differently - even if this is a made up example - and see how he responds generally to the idea that this can happen sometimes. If he is receptive to it and understands that it is possible, you can then begin to say something about what happened with his secretary. Be perfectly calm and state that it is something that may happen not just this once but at other times in his career, so it will help if you both have a 'method' for dealing with it. And maybe one of those methods will be to effectively 'call her out' on her behaviour by inviting her - just her by herself - to come out somewhere with you and your husband. Just so that he can display to her how much he loves you and make sure that she is crystal clear about her position. Finally he MUST stop talking about your lives except with close friends or except to give completely surface details to people.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (8 February 2014):
I think it's enough that you finally met her face-to-face. I'm sure it's easier for her to like your husband and be extra friendly when you were merely someone that she's heard exists, but never met in the flesh.
I don't think you should call her. I think you should communicate with your husband, but I think calling her, would lead to drama that's not really necessary. I think it's up to your husband to make sure he's not too friendly with her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2014): Any questions or concerns you may have, should be directed at your husband. First-off, her comment was "loaded" only to keep her distance from you. It's ambiguity or hidden-meaning was defensive. She wanted to send you reeling with insecurity, and to let you know she doesn't want to be friendly with you.
You can't control the feelings and behavior of other people.
You should by no means bring your personal drama to his work-place. You have no right to confront that woman.
Your discomfort with this woman was exactly her plan. If she is interested in your husband, all she has to do is create distrust and suspicion. That will put him on the defensive; and she will be his sympathetic ear. Don't foolishly play into her hands. She purposely cold-shouldered you. That is not your husband's fault.
You and your husband need to address this situation before your imagination and insecurity gets the better of you.
You are attacking this girl, when your husband is at the center of all this. I know about all that "nice-guy" stuff; but he is a married-man, and he shouldn't be discussing anything intimate or otherwise, about his wife or personal-life with single females on the job. Period!
All any woman needs to know about you from your husband is that you are both happily married.
Make sure you firmly impress upon him that your trust rests on his proper and professional behavior around this young woman. You will not allow the matter to rest; until you feel secure in the knowledge that he is totally professional around that woman. She has lead you to feel otherwise. You do not like that.
That means you don't wish to be his topic of discussion with her; unless it's family-related and generic. Without any personal-content. She will have the unfair advantage of knowing personal details about you, and you know nothing about her. She will pick things, he doesn't necessarily have to volunteer information. It may all seem quite innocent to him. Remember that. So check your suspicious and accusatory tone!
This is a calm discussion, not a cross-examination.
Don't hesitate to tell him that you don't appreciate her curt behavior; and you do place him personally responsible for how you are treated by his colleagues. If he feels the need to "talk" about you to her; may it only be to remind her how you love him, and trust him. Otherwise; their deep conversations should only be work-related. As you do, with the men that you work with.
Place the responsibility entirely on your husband, to keep everything professional and at an appropriate distance. You can't be uneasy every-time he goes to work.
If he takes your concerns lightly or comes across dismissively, suggest that you both might go to marriage-counseling. Otherwise; you will feel the matter is unresolved; and do not appreciate feeling you're not being taken seriously.
You have to also listen to his side. He does have some defense. She may like him, and he can't help that; if he is a good man and well-liked in general. They're rare. Most are taken. Many single and available heterosexual women want one. So give him some benefit of the doubt. You must trust him. He loves you.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (8 February 2014):
 I don't think confronting her will do your husband any favours.
Concentrate on your husband instead. You have the upper hand. You are his wife. Find an excuse to meet him for lunch. He has to take lunch at some stage during the day. Walk out to lunch hand in hand.
Walk back to work and give him a discreet quick kiss goodbye. Near enough for her to see it, but not too close to her. She will notice even if you are 50 ft away but in her line of sight.
You have many opportunities to work on building more rapport with your husband. Plan a nice romantic cruise.
Demonstrate your solid relationship in subtle ways, without needing to say a word.
She will get the message that there is no traction possible.
That she will fail to get anything happening, even if she does have a crush on him.
Men can be flattered or oblivious to a younger woman on the make.
But because he goes home to you each night, he says nice things about you, then you are in the stronger position.
But if you talk to her direct then you are giving her ammunition to use against you - giving you feint praise when she talks to your husband.
Or worse if she puts on the tears and needs 'comforting' if you ''upset her too much''.
Then your husband will be mad at you and she will have won.
Continue to speak courteously and nicely to her at all times. So that she cannot possibly imply that you are a shrew who is making life tough for her.
She was rude and lacking in grace in the way she spoke to you.
If you have the patience of an angel you may even like to befriend her and be very kind to her. But I think that may be asking too much
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