A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I just found out that my boyfriend has been hiding the truth from me that he is married to someone else for the past 2 years that we have been together. I had to beat the truth out of him because I had always been suspicious that he was hiding something. He got married 3 years before we started dating. I though he was in a relationship and broke up before being with me but did not know they were actually married. He said he didn't tell me at the beginning because he did not think he would eventually love me the way he does now. Therefore down the line as we got closer, he was scared that he would lose me if he told me the truth. He swears to me that ever since we got together he has never cheated on me or done anything to hurt me because he knew he was guilty for making me live in his lie. He also says that he has no more feelings for his wife and that he is too busy to speed up the divorce. He said he started the process for divorce over a year ago, but why is the divorce still not over? He says it's because he doesn't want to think about it and also the State is very slow in processing papers....but now that I know the truth he has promised me he will speed the divorce up.He admitted that during the 2 years we were together he has been communicating with her and even meeting up with her behind my back to discuss "paperwork" for their divorce. He is scared to introduce me to friends, family and especially to his wife because he is afraid it will create legal and personal complications for the divorce.....In addition, I moved in with him BEFORE finding out that he was married. I love him so much, and he himself tells me how he wants the divorce over with and wants to start a family with me. I know he loves me because he is so good to me and is my best friend. I don't want to lose him and promised him a chance with me again if he tells me the truth from now on, which he agreed. But what exactly is going on?? I don't understand exactly what is happening, how long does a divorce typically take?? Is it wrong to stay in this relationship with him?
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best friend, broke up, cheated on me, divorce, moved in Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, unmeidaagonyaunt +, writes (14 November 2011):
 Sweetheart, you can find the answers that you seek without a whole lot of effort.
Marriages are public records, and depending on where you are located, you may be able to find record of his marriage online. Divorce decrees, also, tend to be public records.
I know from experience that uncontested divorces do not take long at all. Maybe a week or two ... divorces generally only take a long time when (a) children are involved, or (b) one party cannot be located. Since your boyfriend knows where his wife is and is apparently still in touch with her, you kind of have your answers.
He may not have felt like concluding his business before, but since you are now involved, I think that now is the time to push the issue.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 November 2011):
 What else do you think he could be hiding? lying about?
Why bother with this man? He is NOT going to divorce his wife, if he had those intetions he would have been honest and divorced by now.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 November 2011):
 These are the answers to your three questions:
1. He is using you,
2. A lot less time than you discuss herein,
3. Yes.
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (10 November 2011):
 I believe he's telling you the truth when he says he didn't think he'd fall for you so much (why bring it up if it's just a casual friendship-thing) and then the fear of losing you once things got closer between you. It became a very awkward thing to mention. But like an elephant in the room that no one wants to acknowledge, it's hard to hide forever. I also believe him when he says filing for divorce is a daunting task. Where do you begin? I found a reasonable lawyer who met with me a few times to discuss the steps. He can also purchase books about how to file for your own divorce (if your state/county allows it). There are forms on line for a simple divorce (meaning no children, therefore no child support to deal with; and no property other than maybe a house). Your local state website should be have a link. If he has kids or vast amounts of property he needs to hire a lawyer. If not he can simply complete the forms and pay to have his wife "served" the divorce papers. She then has so many days to sign or contest the terms. If they own a house together he can simply agree to give her the house in lieu of other things; maybe split up the pensions. Or they may have to sell the house and split everything down the middle. I sat down and made a list of all our cars, motorcycles, furniture, paintings and decided what I wanted to take and what I was comfortable letting my husband have (believe me he walked away with more than I did but that was intentional). Then he lists everything on the form. If he's fair more than likely his wife will sign. But if she doesn't he can still file an uncontested divorce and get on with his life. Offer to help if he needs it but don't be pushy about it. It really is his deal.
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