A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend Eric for four years, and we've been living together for over two of those years. We've been good friends since the ninth grade (we're both 27 now), and we share a lot of the same friends. He's a really great guy; he treats me with respect, shows affection, makes me laugh every single day, supports me in everything I do. But here's the thing: when he gets stressed, he tends to close up and ignore me for weeks at a time. And he gets stressed fairly easily, so this isn't a rare occurrence. He just started a difficult four-year university degree, so his stress levels are high all the time. Not only does that affect our communication, but our sex life as well; I basically have to beg for it. I've tried talking to him about it, but all he says is, "I'm stressed and tired all the time. It's not you, I promise." I believe him about that, but it doesn't help the situation. This makes me worry a lot about the future; if he gets stressed and ignores me when his car breaks down, what's going to happen when we have kids? Am I setting myself up for a lifetime of this? I'm actually *worried* that he's going to propose this year because I'm not sure he's who I want to spend my life with.No doubt as a result of all this feeling ignored, I've developed a massive crush on one of his football teammates. They're not good friends, but they occasionally hang out for pick-up games or when the team goes out after a game. This guy (let's call him Zac) and I get along really well; when there's a big group hang-out, we always end up talking. This weekend, Eric and I had a huge argument about going out with the football team on Saturday night. Eric almost never wants to go out, and while I'm quite happy to spend some Saturday nights in my pajamas watching SNL, I am not happy about doing that every single weekend. I ended up going without him, and as soon as I got to the bar, Zac came over immediately. Even when I went to talk to other people, he'd come find me within minutes. A girlfriend I'd brought with me said without a doubt that he likes me, and I agree. We flirted all night, and while there was no inappropriate touching or anything, I wouldn't have behaved like that in front of Eric. Zac even sent me a few cute text messages after we'd gone our separate ways. I am feeling a little guilty about that night, but I wouldn't take it back, because it was the best night I've had in a long time.I have no idea what to do. I still love Eric, but we've been more like roommates for months now. I worry about throwing away something that has been so valuable to me for years, but I am extremely uncertain about the future. As to Zac, I've had crushes on other guys before, but it's never been a big deal. This one is causing so much angst that my girlfriends have told me that they've been thinking this is more than a crush for a while, especially when they see me and Zac together. Help please?
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (29 March 2011):
You sound like you have things quite clearly in your head. I agree that the intensity of the crush you have developed is a result of the things you are missing in your relationship. You need to make a choice, not whether your want to be with Eric or Zak, but whether you want to try and have the relationship you really want with Eric, or not. At the momnent, you are shooting yourself in the foot because you are not giving your relationship a real chance. You are avoiding the difficult things in your relationship and not dealing with them, and letting all of the things that arent in your relationship play out through your crush with zak. It doesn't have to be that way, and you aren't going to have the relationship you want like this. The only way to see if you and Eric are capable of having these things in your relationship is to deal with the things you are avoiding. Are you prepared to have the hard conversations, and do the hard stuff in your relationship with Eric. You say you have spoken to him about it, and he says "its not you, its me." You both agree on that, that's not the issue. The issue is, what does he think he can do about the fact that stress causes him to close up or withdraw, and affects your intimacy, communication, and sex life. I know its not necessarily his fault, our society works in a way which makes life stressful for many people in a way that adversely affects our lives, but it is a reality for many of us, and it usually gets more stressful rather than less. Explain to him that you don't want to leave him, that you want to be with him (if that is how you feel), but that you can't put up with things the way they are either, and that you want to be able to work together to find a solution. Ask him what he thinks could be done to make things better.It may be that if he is unwilling to do what needs to be done, this situation will result in the end of the relationship, but know that you need to do what needs to be done by you too in order to save this relationship, and with zak getting all the good exciting feelings from you, you are doing as much to end the relatioship as eric is. Good luck.
A
male
reader, garcypher  +, writes (29 March 2011):
Don't beg for sex. I never have and never will. Have pride in yourself.Never mind about pride coming before a fall. Anything can come before a fall.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): Nothing wrong with flirting. So long as it stays that way. It makes out interactions with other much more bearable.If it weren't for a little light flirting, we'd realise we really don't much like talking to others.Cheating is wrong. Whatever the problems in your relationship, sleeping with ANYONE else, regardless of whether or not they're within your social circle or not, is wrong and you would deserve every square inch of humiliation and pain you would undoubtedly end up feeling if you went down that path.These are the times when we have to choose between what is right and what is easy.It would be EASY to get a sexual thrill from outside sources. It would be easy to lie.But then you have to lie to cover up that lie. And then lie again to cover that lie up. And on and on, until you bury yourself in a seemingly unending web of deceit. Until one day, a few day, months, year or even decades from now, it becomes far too much for you to bear and you come clean (assuming you are not discovered by someone else who takes it upon themselves to do the right thing and tells the innocent party to this) and then the devestation of realising his fiance is a cheater will be enhanced almost an infinite amount by the fact that he has remained blind to this for a long time. He will think you have been laughing at him this whole time.He will think that whilst he's been out working his arse off to provide for you, you took his sacrifice and threw it in the trash for a cheap thrill behind the bleachers.He will think that he is inadequate as a lover and person and that if he had been a more of a man you would have had no reason to stray. He will also feel that if a woman has had to seek sex elsewhere then why would any woman want him.I am saying this to scare you. To make you see sense.If you aren't getting what you need out the relationship it's time to sit down and talk to him. And don't just let him say he's stressed. Sex is the best stress-reliever known to man-kind.There is not a person alive who wouldn't feel like a million bucks after their girlfriend orgasms under their touch.So tie him down if you have to, give him a random quickie when he's taking a shower, surprise him in the showers of his football team after they have all gone and go town on him. Use blindfolds, handcuffs, lingerie, roleplay, ANYTHING to take his, and your, minds off the world for even a few moments.Just make sure he knows that he has to return the favour when YOU seek it from him in future. That sex and love is not a one way street.You do these things because you love him. You desire him. And you want to please him. And in exchange he must do the same in return, whatever his stress levels. It's guaranteed to lower his stress levels.If you still have problems after this then I would suggest going your seperate ways so you can both find people that meet your needs sexually and emotionally.Flynn 24
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): To summarize: Eric is "a really great guy; he treats me with respect, shows affection, makes me laugh every single day, supports me in everything I do." He's been with you for 4 years and is starting a very difficult university degree. You want to dump him(or cheat) with Eric's teammate because Eric is going through a rough spot in his life and is reaching his limit. You're probably aware that football is likely his primary form of stress relief and that screwing his teammate(even if you break up first) will destroy that part of his life.My Best advice: Break up with Eric, have a few one-night stands, and beg for him back after you've realized what you've lost. But, I anticipate that you probably "love Eric too much" to break up with him, so...My 2nd Best Advice: Given your trajectory, you're going to end up cheating. Try to cheat with someone outside of his football team so you don't ruin the one carefree thing he has in his life. If you do that, he'll hate you but at least you won't jeopardize his academic future or his mental health. Cheating is devastating, but screwing someone's life up like you are about to do is going to haunt you for the rest of your life.
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