A
female
age
36-40,
*ica
writes:I'm really confused whether I should sacrifice my happy relationship of a year because my boyfriend constantly joins and hides his online (local) dating sites, sex personals etc. He claims he loves me and wants to be with me, but then why would he be doing all this online? We've known each other for almost 4 years and he's always been a very sexual person.I'm worried that he's looking to meet other girls (since he says that he's single and looking on them) so I'm thinking this is the same as cheating, right?He's very shy and says he just wanted to see who's interested, but I'm still having serious qualms about whether or not he's another potential heartbreak.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2008): Hey you guys, I'm so sorry to hear you all are going through the same thing. It's a really terrible position when you feel you're being lied to like that. Well an update on my situation... (I'm the original poster, Jica)
Well me and my boyfriend are still together, and things have actually been really great lately. He's been put on some anxiety medication that makes him a lot happier (thank god) and we've been doing really well.
I still have the trust issue though and go through his web histories, email etc. and I think we've both come to terms with that. haha Now, he still looks around at girls pictures, etc. on certain sites like facebook and myspace every now and then, but maintains that he has no intention of ever meeting these people, just curious and checkign them out (but why look? i wonder...) We've had some talks and each time he sits me down and tells me how much he loves me and doesn't want to be with anyone else... And then I simply explain how demeaning it is for me to see those things. If he really loves me I suppose he'll eventually lose interest in all these other girls, who knows.
But I've learned I just cant stress it until something serious pops up. I was actually proved wrong about something I thought was going on, and ever since then I've decided to trust him, no matter how obvious it seems he's lying... because in that case, which I thought I knew for sure, he wasn't.
I also have noticed that most of those sites I found (minus one, a year ago on myspace- which is the source of all this) were created a long time ago, and he really hasn't even checked them in ages. But for my own sake I'm learning to trust that he's not being shady, although he has lied to me about them in the past. Just the worrying and wondering tears me apart and is way too much to handle.
Hopefully you guys are finding some way to get through this internet crap too, but dont let even someone you love make you miserable... I'd rather be single than worrying myself to death all the time :(
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2008): I'm going thru the same thing. Met my live-in boyfriend on an online dating site (Match.com). Been together over 3 years now. He tells me he loves me all the time. I thought we had the perfect relationship until I noticed how when I entered the room he quickly closed his browser. I remembered some of the dating sites he had his profile on when we first met. I felt like I was kicked in the gut when I found his UPDATED profile on 2 of the sites. He even posted pictures of him that I took on our last vacation. Stated he was single and looking for that great love. I confronted him about the one site. He took down his profile on the 2 sites that I knew about. One month later, the one he didn't know I knew about was back up. He claims he is doing it for self esteem and wouldn't cheat on me. He refuses to take down profile.
My friends say to dump him. The sad part is that we are not young kids. He's 50 and I'm 54. I thought I had the perfect relationship after ending a horrible marriage. I guess I was wrong.
Now my self-esteem is in the toilet.
If I was 10 years younger, I would kick him out and move on. He's a liar and a cheat.
I don't think I could ever trust anyone I met online again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): I have the same problem with my boyfriend of a year and a half. I've also known him for about 4 years....it's like looking in a mirror. I found he paid about $50.00 to register for an online dating service (by snooping) and he hasn't told me about it. I love him so I can't confront him without him breaking up with me over checking the email, but what's worse? Is he just online to keep from getting bored....and I should think of this as harmless? He is actively seeking girls pretending he is single. Or should I be more concerned. We've had rough patches, but things are going really well between us...or so I thought.
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A
female
reader, cupidhelper +, writes (25 September 2007):
in the four years you known him, did he cheat on past girlfriends?has he actually cheated on you? do you think he has or are just worried he will?If he really is just curious and shy about who likes him, ask him to put the ad in the just friends section for 3 months. It still a meat market-- I was looking for friends, but got so icked I could leave a profile.How does this help you then, it a verbal acknnowledgement that you BOTH understand the pain of each other-- his need for a little info on himself, your need for this to be short-lived and not a constant worry.stress he will lose you over this if you keep worring and ask if you can read the messages he get together. That way you can see who's hitting on him and he can get some immedicate action-- it could be fun. Knowing you're man's wanted and having him stay home, is a big ego boaster. Turn it around and make it a couple thing. but only for 3 months or you'll fetishize it (that means you can't have sex without this object, role-play, fantasy).it not not cheating. it isn't even wrong if he's not thinking of cheating. it's wrong becuase you don't like it and putting himself out there as something he's not. what about all the women who think he's mister right and waste their time messaging him-- isn't that stealing?
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female
reader, jica +, writes (11 September 2007):
jica is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell no, i never really found any messages that he sent or that were sent to him, just his profile where he filled out what he was looking for and his interests, body type, sex type etc. So i really don't know when it was all set up. But yeah, I'm just gonna try to forget it all, hopefully it won't be a nuisance anymore.
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A
male
reader, pavel38  +, writes (11 September 2007):
Glad you were able to talk things through with him & hopefully sorted things out. I'm still a little perplexed as your initial message suggested he was still 'active' on the internet sites, the issue of when he joined them really doesn't matter, but if he's in a committed relationship with you he shouldn't have been active on those sites. Like you say though just see what the future brings, hope it works out.
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A
female
reader, jica +, writes (11 September 2007):
jica is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell thanks guys for your help. I went ahead and talked to him and he assured me that he had registered with all these sites a long time ago. Whether or not they were I'm just going to have to trust him. We both got a little upset but it wasn't too bad. He said he was just going to go delete all his internet accounts (and he did) because they just cause way too many problems. So I'm just going to have to trust him on this, since nothing has become of it all. (no one has messaged him or has been calling, no sneaking around or anything) Hopefully this issue is over with, now I just have to work on trusting him about it in the future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): Sorry,but i just wouldnt be too happy about this one. Why is he looking if he is happy with you. Tell him exactly how you feel and ask him to stop and tell him just how upset it makes you. Let him know! If he doesn't stop then question if you really want to be with him. Life is much too short to be anything less than happy. Take carexx
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A
male
reader, pavel38 +, writes (10 September 2007):
It's not necessarily cheating, but at the same time like you say I can't understand his motivation and most importantly he is doing something that understandably you are uncomfortable with. If I've ever dated someone I met online then we have both closed our online dating accounts immediately. I would talk to him and explain that you're not comfortable with what he's doing and how it's making you feel and ask him to stop. If he doesn't then personally I'd end the relationship because you can't trust him and he isn't bothered about how he makes you feel. Hope you sort it out for the best.
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