A
female
age
36-40,
*ftsweet
writes:So...7 months ago I started a long distance relationship with a man I met online. We talked on the phone for a month before meeting in person. We have a lot in common and he's very attractive. The problem is his jealousy. When we first started talking, he said the first time he sees any sign of unfaithfulness, he will be out the door. I said, that's fine, I have never cheated on anyone and I don't see why I would. However, it goes beyond that. He told me not to talk to my exes, not to text/call or have any of my male friends text/call me, and said I should never go anywhere alone with another guy. Although I thought that was unneccessary, I agreed to it and have done as asked. However, now he doesn't want me dancing salsa either. And I don't think I can go that far.Let me clarify, the salsa events that I go to are for serious dancers, they are held at dance studios, there is no alcohol, and most of the people are not there to pick up people. A lot of them are even married. I've danced for 4 years and it's a great community of people that I enjoy being a part of. I told him I loved salsa in my online profile, and I asked prior to our first date if this was a problem. He said no. It came up again about 2 months in, and again he said as long as I behaved myself, he respected my desire to dance in a proper and respectful fashion. Now he is saying the opposite and that he will never put up with it.I'm studying for my medical licensing exam right now for a month. I study 10-11 hours a day, 7 days a week and on Saturday nights I like to take a few hours off to dance salsa. It's great stress relief and probaby the only thing that's actually getting me through this! Last weekend I told him I was going out and he said, if you go out tonight I will not talk to you until after your exam. I said I thought that was unreasonable, especially since we had agreed to compromise (I agreed I would go out less than before, but not completely stop). But he said, make your choice. And I said, ok, I'm going. And he hung up and I haven't heard from him in a week.Did I do the right thing? I don't see why I should have to give up this part of myself for someone, especially when he told me before that he was ok with it. The other thing I could have done was just not talked about it, but I chose to be honest and now I feel I am being punished.
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jealous, long distance, met online, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2015): This was posted a long time ago, but that is okay. While you seem like a very responsible woman, you have the right to go out whenever you want. Things to keep in mind: you met him online; how sure are you about him? he also has the right to feel uncomfortable about you interacting with guys and that's his opinion. There will be a time, when at your age, I would limit my time of always going out dancing. You two seem to not respect each other's wishes anyway, and that's okay. You have to find the right person who would support your salsa dancing. He also deserves to be with a lady who can put herself his shoes.
P.S. There are many divorced and single men and women at salsa clubs in North America.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2012): Another anonymous male seconding previous anon male's advice: Dump him; he's jealous and controlling and he will never listen to reason or change.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2012): I'm a bloke and say get rid of him. He sounds far too controlling and jealous. What would he do if your boss was a man? Sounds unreasonable. I had similar issues with my wife but grew over/out of them as I know there's no fear. Has he cut ties with all his female friends?
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A
female
reader, 5ftsweet +, writes (23 June 2012):
5ftsweet is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone; I really wasn't expecting that many responses and I sincerely appreciate them. I had a feeling this was what people would say. I felt like I tried to handle the situation in a mature way and it just didn't work.
I got mostly responses from ladies, which I appreciate, but if you're a guy reading this please also add your input. I am really trying to see this issue from both genders' perspectives.
Thank you!!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 June 2012):
 My girlfriends and I used to go to a salsa club back home and it was a fun way to spend an evening. It wasn't about picking someone up, flirting or hitting on people. It was about dancing, crossing some barriers ( you really have to let yourself totally trust your partner), good music and fun company.
I think your guy is trying to control you and honestly he succeeded a little, since you cot back in the amount of time you spend dancing.
First it's the dancing, next how you dress, your make-up, your hair, who you talk to, what you eat... His true colors finally showed up. He want you to "obey" him and give up your passion for dancing. What's next?
He is still trying to control you, by making you feel bad for making the choice you did. You did what felt right FOR YOU!.
The guy obviously doesn't trust you at all.
I think he is a toad that needs to be thrown back in the pond. Sorry.
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A
male
reader, soon567 +, writes (23 June 2012):
sweety this guy is a jealous wreck and its a form of control. Take a real look at this then decide that is this the life you want or hope for...this is early. If i was you i would set this guy straight unless your into the father/daughter relationship. I like a strong woman not a child to jump when i order her too.
Tell him not to call until he can respect you as an equal and f
or god sake tell him you don't need a boss as a lover. Let him know you will go where you want to.
This guy has trust issuses and youre about to catch heck trying to please him. Good lock on this relationship.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (23 June 2012):
 I believe you did the right thing, you were dancing before he came into you life and he is aware how important it is to you.
He is trying to control you, you have already agreed to some restrictions on your life, and you suggestion for compomise was an intelligent, adult way to deal with these issues.
His hanging up on you indicates a lack of maturity and a desire to manipulate you into behaving as he dictates.
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A
female
reader, Romanilove +, writes (23 June 2012):
I believe Kc100 gave you a very sensible answer. She portrays both sides of the " dancing culture" .
I feel you are a motivated educate woman and dance for stress relief. I feel it is admirable, sexy and liberating. I do not feel you should have to give up this part of yourself.
You made it CLEAR you danced and he said it was not a problem - so WHY is it a problem NOW?? Perhaps because he was not being honest with you in the beginning.
From your description he seems insecure, and controlling. What other parts of you will he expect to give up as your relationship processes??
You sound like a confident person. The answer is within you.
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A
female
reader, melco75 +, writes (23 June 2012):
He sounds like a very controlling person. Run away as fast as you can! Someone that wants you to change after they've already accepted you for who you are in the beginning has serious control issues and is terrible dating material. Sounds like he is trying to see what aspects of your life you will let him control.. don't do it! The more you give, the more he will take!
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (23 June 2012):
 Now I personally am I little wary of this whole dancing culture that has come around recently (seems to be on the back of Dancing with the Stars and Strictly Come Dancing) - this is because my parents decided it would be something nice to do together, and in the end it led to my dad falling in love with another woman who also went to the dance class, and it led to a number of very tough years for my family.
So normally I would think it is reasonable to stop dancing when you meet a partner, especially if you dont go to the class with your partner because it is a very sensous and intimate thing to do with someone who isnt your partner.
However in your case it is very different. You made it clear up front you go dancing and he said he had no problem with it. You have also been doing this for years and it is more of a serious environment than a casual, fun environment. Therefore you are only doing this because you enjoy it and it is an important part of your life, not because you want to meet men.
So he has no right at all in telling you to stop going - if he has a problem then he shouldnt have lied at the start and said he was ok with it. So you definitely did the right thing by going, you need to have your own life and he sounds incredibly controlling. You shouldnt have to lie about activities that you enjoy, you should be able to talk about the things you love and share them with your partner, because he should care about you and what makes you happy.
The relationship sounds like it wasnt working, he was asking you too give up far too much and controlling your life to a point where you would lose all sense of your own identity. I think it is a good idea to delete his number, forget all about him and start again, he is not the right guy for you. The right guy will be supportive of your hobbies and interests, and will take an interest in them too - not stop you from being yourself and doing the things you love.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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