A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my partner for a year and a half. There were trust issues before the relationship started as he was seeing myself and my work colleague at the same time. We eventually got through the issues and all has been fine since. Recently I've noticed he has an app on his phone called 'photo vault' which requires a passcode to get access, where you can store private photos. I was paranoid to why he would have the app and was worried there was photos of the girl on his phone. I managed to get into the app and found numerous photos of half naked women, a lot he doesn't know. A number of the images were a woman that we previously worked with and another girl he knows. I decided to keep it to myself in case they were from before we were involved. I checked again to see if any new photos were there to prove he was doing it behind my back. Which there were two new photos where they were clothed but racy photos. I don't know what to do. I'm scared to confront him incase it ends the relationship. But I don't want it to carry on and him do it behind my back. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2016): I understand what you are saying and yes I agree with it all. But when somebody snooped on me I wasn't upset about it really because there was nothing to hide. I think if I had things to hide and password protected apps then yeah I'd be upset by snooping, but I'm not.I don't snoop either because I was with a man who was so bad at lying the truth just came out anyway, because he was thick :). The longest relationship I've ever had was nearly a decade and we shared email addresses and even a phone so I'm not all that bothered about people knowing my business.Maybe I should care about this privacy thing a bit more and it has made me think that maybe I'm wrong. But I can't help feeling that when people do bad things it's only right they should be found out, they deserve it.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 March 2016):
 Argh! Hit add answer before I was finished.
What I was trying to say with my first post to the OP is this.
Snooping, hacking, spying, tracking, stalking... a partner is not a good thing to do. Not so much for the guy you are doing it to, but YOURSELF. You are making yourself into a loony trying to either "catch" him or check up on him or somehow magically control him, willing him to be "good" from now on, since he got caught - but it DOESN'T make him stop. It doesn't CHANGE a thing. Snooping, hacking etc... someone doesn't make these men (in this case) grow a conscience or morals or respect or develop human decency - ALL it does is make the person doing the snooping FEEL out of control, paralyzed, angry, resentful, nutty, sad.
I BET you in 9 out of 10 cases (* that is a guesstimate only) of women snooping, hacking, etc. their partner's phone, e-mail, computer, whatever tech... the woman ALREADY know that their partner is doing SHADY stuff. BUT they don't want to rock the boat, yet they still want to know what exactly he IS doing. And that is a slippery slope.
If you are with someone you KNOW is doing shady things, then don't ROLL freely into the gutter with him by doing equally shady stuff.
Now I'm NOT bashing (or trying to bash) the OP - she did what she did and that is HER actions to own up to or ignore. I'm saying that in the future DO NOT do it, for you own sake, it will only make you feel crazy for doing it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 March 2016):
To nonny,
I'm not saying OP will go to jail or anything that drastic, but hacking IS illegal and WHAT good does it do her? She already knew he was shady. And it is immoral.
It's it NOT illegal to keep or make folders with spankbank material that women have FREELY sent you. Whether you are in a relationship or not. IT IS NOT illegal to keep dirty pis on your phone. IT IS immoral (for most people) and VERY shady thing to do. As long as those picture are FREELY sent to him, the sender is of legal age He could have as many as he likes (LEGALLY).
They are not married. (which in some cases CAN make a difference).
OP IS violating his privacy. No if, end or buts about. She may feel she has the "moral" high-ground here, but ONCE she commits the hacking (unauthorized access) she loses the high-ground.
Do I understand her URGE to do so, yes. Doesn't make it right.
Am I "protecting" the BF and his actions? HECK NO! I think he is a piece of crap. And a STUPID one to boot. Because he is KEEPING pictures sent from another woman (this woman ALSO knows he has a GF so she is in turn stupid too for providing those photos). I think it's detrimental to most relationships when people do what he does and has done. IT still doesn't make HACKING legal.
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A
female
reader, LJCX +, writes (4 March 2016):
 Apple are a multi billion dollar company and I'm sure that they could fight successfully against the FBI on that matter. It doesn't mean that what they are doing is morally right because I don't think anybody would believe that!I have an ex who was arrested for assaulting me, he was a bit of a nut case. The day it happened he turned up where I worked, assaulted me, snatched my keys and phone then went through everything on it. He got in to email accounts, Facebook, texts, everything. He text my friends pretending to be me trying to dig up dirt. He was charged with assault but nothing was done about him violating my privacy, I did tell the police about all of this but nothing. Yes it may be technically illegal to snoop but I have first hand experience that you aren't going to get arrested for doing that.I know that odd people store and save things on laptops and p.c's then password protect them. The whole point of this is that a password protected photo app would alarm me and I would have to know what was in it. Sometimes you NEED to find out what your partner hides. Ok it's just naughty photos but there's a whole heap of laws being made about that recently. Even if women sent these photos to him I'm sure that they wouldn't want him keeping them when he had a girlfriend. You never know he could be posting it on to sites without their knowledge.It's all very dodgy and it's best knowing the full truth about your partner rather than burying your head in the sand.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 March 2016):
 Anon reader :---erm ?... FBI can't compel Apple , as hard as they try, to unlock the IPhones of terrorists, because the Court won't allow it !,... and this OP can hack her boyfriend phone because he keeps naughty photos in it , which is "immoral " ?
Maybe, but ... who decides what's immoral ? You ? The OP ?...
No. You need a Judge ruling in your favour. ( Good luck in finding one )
Regardless, popular wisdom has it that " two wrongs don't make a right ". So, even admitting that this boyfriend is doing something unethical or illegal by keeping these pics,- how that ENTITLES the OP to do something unhetical and illegal herself ?
I agree with Tisha-1. If you have a relationship fraught with trust issues- the best solution is to pass to another relationship with a man you feel you can trust ! Not hacking the phone of someone you know you don't ( and can't ) trust !
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2016): Honeypie I know that there are various laws regarding intercepting calls and a basic right to privacy.
In regard to his human right to privacy there are limitations to this being the protection of health or morals; or the protection of the rights and freedoms of others. So this guy keeping a folder of half naked women, do you think that the women would feel great about him keeping hold of this? He is being immoral keeping hold of this crap.
If you look in to what is classed as the protection of morals it says
'Morality in traditional legal-philosophical analyses about the legal enforcement of morality has a distinctively sexual bearing. Pornography, adultery, prostitution, group sex, anal sex, and sadomasochistic sexual practices'....Pornography and adultery are mentioned there.
https://muse.jhu.edu/login?auth=0&type=summary&url=/journals/human_rights_quarterly/v024/24.1nowlin.html
In other words people have a right to privacy and it is illegal to invade that privacy if the person is doing nothing wrong. But people's rights go out of the window when they behave in an immoral fashion, which he is.
If he were a decent human being he wouldn't have to worry about all this. I agree you shouldn't be with a person you don't trust and as soon as you resort to snooping it's time to split up. But honestly it would be highly unlikely that you would get arrested for looking at your partners texts or apps.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 March 2016):
IT IS illegal to hack someone's phone. And OP did hack, as the file/folder she mentioned was password protected. So it wasn't a little "LOOK SEE" it was hacking.
Let me quote:
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The Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act 2000 makes it an offence - punishable by up to two years in prison - to intentionally intercept any private communication "without lawful authority."
Additionally, the Human Rights Act 1998 states that "everyone has the right to respect for private and family life, his home and correspondence", while the Protection of Freedoms Act 2012 includes "monitoring the use by a person of the internet, email or any other form of electronic communication" in its definitions of stalking.
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http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/alex-morrison/spy-apps-encourage-invasion-of-privacy_b_2470895.html
http://www.theguardian.com/media/2009/jul/08/ripa-phone-hacking-law
http://cellphones.lovetoknow.com/Cell_Phone_Privacy_Laws
If nothing else, it's an absolute breech of privacy. And no amount of "gut-feelings" makes it OK to "hack".
As a GF (or wife) I GET that people want to know what's going on, but that doesn't excuse criminal or immoral behavior.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2016): It's not okay to snoop. If you really took time to know a guy, and build trust; snooping would be the farthest thing from your mind. Snooping is for insecure people who repeatedly make bad choices. They can't trust themselves to pick proper mates; so they project their insecurities onto everyone they're with. Why snoop, when you shouldn't be so buried in denial you can't see the obvious?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2016): Noting your age, may I presume this guy is also between 22-25? These are the days of social media and porn. You will have to travel a far distance not to find the same thing going on with many guys who track social media.
Your trust issues were never really resolved. You took his promise, and swept the matter under the rug. Knowing you are filled with jealousy and anxiety; he easily convinced you that you are daft. Maybe you are. A little. So you gave-in. Knowing you can be a handful emotionally. That's why you have to work on it. You'll be manipulated by your weaknesses and faults. You're putty in his hands.
He just decided to be more cunning about hiding things from you. You wanted him so badly and was so busy competing with your co-worker; you dismissed all the obvious red-flags.
He's a player. You had to win over your co-worker; to prove you were more attractive. You needed his validation, and to pacify your own ego. You had to epitomize your female prowess to show you had what it takes to snatch a man from another woman. Getting him in the end proved something to you.
What on earth was that?
He's a girly picture collector and a sneak. He'd date two at a time. He's a womanizing skank.
You're afraid to let him go, because you don't want her to see it fail. So you went into denial about this guy from day one.
Dump him. If he goes back to her, or to any other female; they'll all suffer the same thing you did.
If you have to hack or hijack someone's phone; look what you're resorting to. It's not changing his behavior. The pictures are still there, and all you can do is bitch about it. So now what?
You need to dump him. Rebuild your self-esteem and work on your insecurity issues. You need to find yourself a better grade of male; and that also means you have to work on yourself first. If you were level-headed as you should be, you wouldn't be writing a desperate post about this clown.
You'd be chillin' with a hottie, and feeling quite mellow.
Bottom-line. Dump him. It will feel awful. Compared to what you feel now, there won't be much difference. With the exception, you'd be free of all the bullsh*t. Lest you love swimming around in drama?
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A
female
reader, LJCX +, writes (3 March 2016):
Do you actually want to stay with a man who does this? You say at the end that you don't want the relationship to end you just want a way to bring this to his attention without him getting angry that you looked.Say he didn't get angry that you looked, what then? He could tell you a load of rubbish and promise to never do it again just to move these photos somewhere else, like a memory stick, and keep it somewhere you'll never find.Or say he got very angry you found out, well tough luck! You need to be more firm with him.I've had a look on the net to see if going through your partners emails/phone etc is illegal but honestly I can't really see any evidence that it is. Yeah it may be a bit shady doing this but he's being equally shady.You started off on the wrong foot, carrying on with a man who was seeing multiple people at the same time, I don't think you can build a solid trusting relationship based on that. This was always going to happen and you were always going to have some niggling doubts about what he's up to.I get the feeling you are more worried about his reaction to you snooping than being in a relationship who is frankly a bit of a perv holding on to pictures like that. He sounds a little bit over sexed and in constant need for sexual kicks. He needs to grow up!Doesn't he realise you can go on Google and see about a billion of racy photos, why does he feel the need to keep photos like that of people you've worked with? To me he looks a bit pathetic doing it, he's not much of a prize is he.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 March 2016):
 "All has been fine" and "I was paranoid to why he would have the app" do not mesh.
All has not been fine. "There were trust issues" is such a passive tense phrase I have to ask you to clarify. Who had trust issues? You? Him? The other woman he was seeing?
I think you are right to be distressed that you can't trust him after all this time. However, the real question you need to face is why you ever decided he was a good choice for you.
You mention you are scared that confronting him might end the relationship. So, what's your strategy on this? Keep on not trusting him and checking up on him until you find something that you can't ignore?
I have worked with plenty of handsome charming men who were also cheaters. In the end, they generally wound up divorced or single again, though they often had lined up the next victi--I mean girlfriend--before making their spouse/longtime girlfriend/partner have to do the dirty work of ending the relationship.
Your intuition told you something was off. So now it's time to address this with him.
All is not fine and you won't be able to pretend it is for very much longer.
Trust issues? You've had trust issues from the get-go.
I'd get-gone and find a guy you can trust.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 March 2016):
 You need to gain more confidence, confront him and show him that this is not acceptable. Okay so you done wrong going through his phone, but I can see why you would have, curiosity got the better off you, plus I doubt you have complete trust in him after how he started the relationship. I think you have low self esteem, you don't want to lose him therefore you will go on not trusting him and burying your head in the sand because you feel that is your only option. But did you ever think hey I deserve better? You might love him, but do you think he loves you? Do you think you deserve better? I think you need to stand up for yourself and don't allow yourself to be second best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2016): I think sometimes it is ok to snoop, sometimes people do such bad things that they need to be found out. If somebody has a locked photo vault folder then what on earth could be in it! That's so dodgy he could have all kinds of rubbish on there that he obviously wants to keep secret.Would these girls on these photos be very impressed that he's holding on to them. I know that it's totally different but unsavoury men doing unsavoury things (even illegal) keep photos hidden and password protected. I'm pretty sure anybody that discovered what you did would want to know what he was doing.It's very immoral keeping photos of women half naked when the subject probably has no idea he's doing it. I wouldn't tell him that you found this I would just break up with him.I'm sorry but I don't think people can just go around doing anything they want and then get all indignant when they get found out. I'm sure if I looked into it keeping hold of naked photos without the knowledge of the subject is bordering on being illegal. In the UK revenge porn is now either illegal or set to be, look it up. How do any of us know whether he has posted these images on the internet or not. He's immoral and you should leave him, no try and work it out.
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A
female
reader, linzey +, writes (3 March 2016):
 i think you should tell him about it .just ask him why .if you whant my opinion you should just find someone who will apretiatte you for who you are and not look at naked girls behind your back
good luck
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 March 2016):
 Sometimes,.... being snoopy is its own reward. SOMETIMES, it reveals things that you HOPED you'd never face...
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 March 2016):
Have you two had a conversation about keeping photos of exes? About keeping in touch? What you two BOTH find appropriate and inappropriate to do while in a relationship?
What YOU did by snooping and hacking his phone is a TOTAL breach of privacy and trust. Personally, If I were your BF, I'd dump you the moment I found out. The notion that your PARTNER believes they are entitled to go through my stuff is just beyond me. But then again I have nothing to hide. It's the PRINCIPLE of the matter. It's ILLEGAL and IMMORAL to do this.
I just wanted to put that out there. I don't care if you found dirt on him by doing so. You ALREADY knew he was up to no good. It's not your "right" as a GF to do that.
Your BF is shady. You KNEW he was shady from the get go, yet you went along. Swept the fact that he was dating BOTH you and a coworker at the same time, under the rug, because you WANTED to date him. And here you are. With a guy who is 18 months later.. STILL shady!
You think the women sending him those pictures do it without his asking for them? That they throw themselves on him with dirty pics? If so.. you are in denial.
You don't want to confront him, because:
1. you know what YOU did was legally and morally wrong. Hacking his phone is NEVER right. You are not the NSA, MI5 or some espionage specialist.
2. you know that IF you confront him you will have to take action. You can't keep sticking your head in the sand.
But you also say, you don't WANT to date a guy who does these things... So MAKE up your mind. Either you WANT to date a shady fellow (he will NOT change if you "catch" him or confront him) Or you have had enough of dating a guy who doesn't respect you or the relationship.
You can't have it both ways. You can't "MAKE" him stop being shady. This is a (pardon my English) shit or get off the pot moment.
Time for you to figure out what you are willing to put up with and what you are not. Slippery slope. First you "forgave" him for dating another woman while seeing you. Next (you if stay) you will forgive him for keeping dirty pics in his "spank bank" of a woman he was DATING while seeing you! - What will be the next? "forgiving" him cheating on you?
IF you are smart enough to end it with him, LEARN from this. Don't date a shady dude. Don't think you have to "forgive" bad behavior in order to be a cool GF. It makes you a doormat, not a "cool GF". And you are too young to settle for a BF whom you can't trust.
DO NOT EVER hack someone's phone. It's immoral and illegal. If you have doubts about your partner, bring it up LET HIM show you that there is nothing suspicious going on. Or.... date guys you can actually trust!
Good luck.
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