A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of two months is pending divorce from his wife. He is sometimes attentive and loving, sometimes moody and distant. I have done everything I can to show how I feel for him. Is this a lost cause or should I be more patient?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2013): I've been through this situation and have known others who have gone through it as well. The main hurdle is that you are an "outsider" until he is done with the divorce AND until he gets through his emotional baggage. In other words, in a healthy relationship where 2 people are emotionally available - the focus is 100% on each other. In a separation/divorce/post-divorce relationship - it's impossible for the focus to be 100% on each other. So, with that in mind, it's normal for this type of relationship to not work out in the end because it doesn't have a healthy start. Look at it this way, when you are drunk do you think you could pick a good partner for yourself? Probably not because your senses and judgment are clouded. Same with people who are getting a divorce - their judgment is clouded by emotions - so it's hard for them to even pick a partner that they would want to ultimately be with. Not to mention, if you've been married for 10+ years, why would you want to commit to another person while the ink isn't even dry on your divorce papers? Plus, if you get too involved with his divorce or you are bitter toward his ex, etc... he may associate YOU with the negative feelings of his divorce and after all is said and done he might dump you just because of that. So, I would avoid a separated guy like the plague!
A
female
reader, MyBaby6969 +, writes (16 July 2012):
I have been seeing a man for 6 months now and it started off as friends and we were working together and grew into something much stronger. In the beginning he lied to me ablut everything. I knew he was with someone and had a 4 year old child but he said she was just his girlfriend and they were not getting along. After a few months of feeling uneasy I began to do a littler investigating and found out that infact he was married to her. When I brought this amoungst other things up to his attention he freaked started crying and told me he lied because he wanted me to think he was just perfect. He tells me over and over that he loves me and is in love with me. Finally his wife and I have come face to face and their marriage is now over. She has moved out of their marital home and taken his 4 year old son with her she is being fair about the breakup and is filing for divorce if you ask me the marriage was over before it started because three years prior to me he had another affair came clean and then she gave him the option of marriage or she was leaving so needless to say not wanting to be alone or lose his son he opted to marry this woman who as we all know being a woman scorned already would never forgive or trust him again. This woman was very mentally and verbally as well as physically abusive to him. I saw this as well as other people. Now that she has left and he did tell her he wanted me and the divorce is going through he is devistated about the fact of his son not being with him everyday. I feel as though he has become distant with me and I have asked him if he needs a break from us. He replies no the one thing he knows in his heart is that he loves me and is in love with me. He says he needs time to greve for his son not her or the marriage. He and I have been seeing a counselor for a few months to work through all of this and figure out how he was goning to leave his wife. He is going to the counselor tonight and has asked me to accompany him for he want's me there for moral support. I love this man with all my heart and know he feels the same we have an amazing connection in and out ouf the bedroom. Will this get easier. MyBaby6969
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2009): Hi all,
I am going through this as well. I am in a great relationship with a man who is 34 and was married for 10 years. Im 22 and never been married...normally yes the age gap would have warned me off but in this case no.
We are so happy together and plan on getting married, having children etc. We've been together for a 1 1/2 but the separation agreements are JUST being put through.
His ex is a bitter woman who believes I'm the reason they aren't together (not true she left him for another man).
They have a 8 year old boy together and switches weeks off with him.
They own a house together along with a timeshare and she is dragging her heels when it comes to selling it, (we arent living in it but she is and up until recently he was paying for more than he needed to when it came to it).
I try to relate and understand but I find it difficult, I pretend that everything is okay and that we will be strong through-out this whole process but it's taken forever *he's not good with change*
Its hard not to think all I have to do is leave and be done, no more ex no more baggage but then no more him! I know he's the man I want to be with but this baggage is taking a toll
Any advice?
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A
female
reader, lora847 +, writes (29 December 2009):
I understand...I have dated a man for two years who has been away from (but not divorced from) his wife for the last 10 years. There are no ties of any sort with the exception of a piece of paper and a child. He and i have had an otherwise healthy relationship that has evolved into quite a serious commitment: involving our interests, time, family, children and so on. It was not until about six months ago - when our own relationship was feeling quite permanent to both of us, that we began to discuss this situation in any detail. He has asked us to move in this summer, we have decided to marry, have shopped for engagement rings, discussed futures, retirements etc. etc. I do not share the issue of inattentiveness, but my experience may add a dimension of understanding.
It was a difficult moral decision in the first place for me to become involved, being that he had the title of 'married man'. I want his divorce to finish yesterday but his wife is "having a lawyer look at" his proposal. As women - we know that she has no motivation to move on this. He worries that she will attempt to control his time with his daughter, make things financially difficult by fighting about child support and so on. I believe it paralyzes him and slows our process down. When a man is not able to take charge and control a situation ...especially a "type A" ... it makes it very hard on him personally.
As a woman, you experience fears and anxieties that may well be (and, I believe, in my case are) unfounded. It stresses your man when you try to talk to him about it as it feels like an attack upon him amd the effort he puts toward your own relationship. You do not understand the timing involved and cannot see how your plans can move forward before this legal action takes place...it is - in a word - very hard!
My advice is this: do your best to relax. Go on with your life (with him, I mean) but make an effort to have some interests outside of the relationship. Have a best friend with whom you can share your anxiety. Find a way and a time/place that a discussion can be had in regards to the details of your own situation. Knowing him is key - what makes him feel unsuccessful as a man, where are his anxieties, how can you protect his psyche - yet still get the information you need to feel secure? Men are not emotional creatures as we are...they are logical and regimented. Work from those areas, take your time and (unfortunate as it is that we must play that role....) be the woman he needs to see him through.
Good Luck to us All!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008): smiles....i'm in the same situation....although i started seeing my friend over a year ago, his wife just left and filed in August, although they have been discussing things for long time.
it is a major life event regardless of the situation...being newly divorced myself and knowing it was for the best...the emotional end is very very difficult...your reliving 20 years of your life good and bad...trying to determine where things went wrong, what you could have done differently....the whys, what ifs etc...and then in my friends case the assets involved just totally blow everything up.
and in my situation i need to be patient and supportive of his moods...understanding he needs to go through the healing process and he does need me right now....do we have a future i'm not sure....but i am sure i am in his life at this time to help him heal...be here for him when he wants to talk...letting him see himself through my eyes...etc. NO trust me it is not easy at times....but i do believe it is all worthwhile...i guess you have to decide if it's worth the mental anquish, sitting at home not knowing the status of your relationship or if it will ever go anywhere...but most importantly understand this is NOT EASY ON HIM EITHER...regardless if the marriage was over or not in his mind.
smiles n hugs and Good Luck
tami
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A
female
reader, kezza-louise  +, writes (18 October 2008):
Hi!! I am currently in the same situation. I have been seen this guy for around 3 months, we met through a relative of mine he works with, and were friends at first, which was when his marriage ended. I had heard that it wasn't a very good marriage anyway, and he told me so much. We got on great at first, but over the last few days he has been very distant and moody. I have asked him out right what the problem is and he just says he's fine and blah blah blah. I have asked him if he wants to end it and is adamant he isn't, and is saying nothing is wrong, but as a woman you can just tell can't you? I have serisouly fallen for this guy, and thought he felt the same. Im going to wait and see how it pans out, but i'm not sure how it will turn out. All i can say is i feel your pain, and the best you can do is just see how it turns out. Good luck xx PS i kinda replied cos i wanted to vent lol.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): nine months after my boyfriend and I got together- After falling madly in love - discussing the future and all its possibilities- he broke up with me because he needs his space. Sometimes men in emotional distress are not as in touch with their feelings as they lead both themselves and others to believe. For real success in the next relationship following divorce, significant time to digest the loss and grief related to the last relationship must take place. Unfortunately for those of us who have fallen for someone in such a situation - that very well may mean a great deal of time alone. Good luck to those of you in similar situations. Please don't compromise yourselves or what you need and deserve and remember if it is meant to be than it will.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2008): Hey, I'm going through a very similar situation. My boyfriend of two months is going through divorce with his wife. I wasn't the cause for their relationship to fail. We work closely together and fell for each other the first day we laid eyes on each other, I knew he was married and kept my distance. However as the closeness grew between us, the attraction became stronger. That's how we ended up together which I believe is true love as it wasn't based on looks or appearance. We are having a very painful time at the moment, arguing and hurting. He has moved out of the house and is planning for a divorce however I don't know dates. He says he feels pressured from his parents, his wife and for me and needs space.I'm being patient and giving him the space as I wan't this to work. Do the same and it will be worth it in the end I hope!! Good luck :) it's nice to see someone in the same situation as me!
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (29 July 2007):
 Give him space, and plenty of it.
It's clear that he is carrying some major baggage and needs to process the failure of his marriage. Have you considered that you are the rebound relationship for him?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2007): Patient. He needs to mull things over in his head. Men deal with things differently than females, they are more internal.
Patience is a very good idea, dont' ask him questions, if he wants adive or support, he'll ask.
Just act like it's no biggie and when he is done being in his head, he'll be the guy you fell in love with and he will be grateful.
You don't have to give more or do more, he'll ask.
Also, get a book to read while he is in his head, you'll be amazed at what you read.
It's by John Gray titled Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, shaye  +, writes (29 July 2007):
Hi, i think that you should just be patient and give him loads of support,he shouldnt be taking it out on u though because thats not fair. i think that u need to sit him down and talk to him about how your feeling,he may not relise that he is being like this. i hope things get better for you soon x
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A
male
reader, quarky +, writes (29 July 2007):
 It goes without saying almost that the divorce will probably be a major stress between you two. Have you discussed this at all - and if not, maybe you should?
Whether it's a lost cause or not depends, I guess, on what sort of time and effort you both want to put in understanding and communicating about the issues.
The very fact you ask the question may in itself be the answer.
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