A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Can anyone give me some advice on "gaslighting" please?its a technique used by narcissists etc to make people doubt their sanity!I'm having a lot of problems with my boyfriend of 2 years...the main problem is that hes not had sex with me for 6 months now+its eroding my self esteem...he also doesnt take me out on dates anymore or really do much of anything(he says hes depressed)...recently i have been doubting my sanity+left scratching my head as we have had a lot of arguments+he ends up saying im the one making him feel worthless and im taking him for granted when i know it isnt true at all...ive realised im the one who always says sorry and not him+im made to feel like its me with the problem!could this be gaslighting or is it just my insecurities
View related questions:
depressed, self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 November 2016):
 The relationship is just not working between the two off you any more. No intimacy for six months spells it is over to me. Maybe he feels you are the one to blame for how he feels. Whatever the case is finish with him and don't look back. You know the relationship is not working. So do something about it and get your life back on track.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2016): Well, yes OP he is gaslighting you. And he also has some deep rooted, severe psychological issues that the unwavering love of a woman, any woman, you included, WILL NEVER FIX. You just cannot fix broken. You can die trying. No mater how much you love him, he's beyond redemption. And nothing you do will ever be GOOD ENOUGH for him. He is going to demand more and more of you and give you less and less. And you will just kill yourself trying to please a man who will never love you but you can count on him emotionally abusing you for as long as you let him. You are the only one who is hurting. People like him DO NOT HAVE FEELINGS. They are void of emotion. At their core, they are empty, lost and scared. But they would never let you know that. They are charming and pretend to be who you want them to be. But if you look deep, you will see it is all an act. An act to manipulate you into being their constant source of attention and devotion. They NEED it in order to survive. They do not reciprocate or give back to you. It is all one sided. About their need for you to worship them. You will never be satisfied or happy because the relationship is all about satisfying his narcissistic ego. And he manipulates you into feeling bad about yourself so that you will continue to do your best to appease him, win over his love and approval. He treats you like a dog he is scolding when the dog does something wrong. And he wants the dog to come begging back for his affection.Gaslighting is his way of manipulating you and maintaining control. He blames you and is shifting the blame on you. It is clear that your attention to him has dwindled in his mind. Perhaps not in yours. But he feeds off your attention and devotion. He needs it to feel safe. It is a life line for him. He is trying to make you pay MORE attention to him by blaming you, ignoring you, not having sex with you. All his way of controlling you. He wants to bring you down, so down that you come back to him begging him to PLEASE LOVE YOU AGAIN. And beg him for his attention. He wants you on your hands and knees! The lower he can sink you, the more you are going to come after him begging. Because he knows you love him. He is using your feelings to his advantage. Quite cold and calculating if you ask me. He is purposely making you question yourself. He wants you to feel bad. He wants you to feel low. He wants you to have no self esteem. He wants you to be desperate and scared. What kind of a man does that to a woman he loves? A man who loves you is supposed to raise you up. Care about your needs. Not cut you off cold. Not make you beg him for his love. Not try to break you down. This relationship is not healthy. HE is NOT HEALTHY. You need to stop enabling him.What kind of man is this? And why are you settling for this kind of treatment?He is trying to break you to raise himself up.That is not love.He will never know what love is. He is incapable of it.I think he needs to see a psychiatrist.And you need to find yourself a new boyfriend.Sometimes LOVE isn't enough. No matter how hard you to try to convince yourself it is.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (13 November 2016):
 Sounds like your relationship has run its course. There is nothing good in it for you any longer. You are worth more than this man is giving you (much much more). End it neatly and kindly and move on with your life.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 November 2016):
 I have to agree with suzzzque269 - why keep dating him? It's no longer a good and healthy relationship and the issues that are at the CORE (his depression and lack of affection/sex) are HIS ISSUES that no amount of YOU loving him can fix.
If he IS a narcissist you already know that he WILL never change. This rut or pattern you are in now will continue for as long as YOU let it or HE wants to continue it.
There is no magic fix here. Love is not an instant fix to problems in a relationship. And it IS possible to love someone but know you shouldn't BE with them.You CAN CHOOSE to live your life without having to deal with this (end it) or suck it up.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2016): HiThis isn't gaslighting exactly. Gaslighting is a very specific form of mental and emotional abuse which is designed to make you think you're going insane, as you said. They do things like hide your keys or purse and then put it back in plain sight, just as you're going frantic. Or they play with the lights and pretend they don't notice and nothing's different. Sounds as if what you're experiencing could be emotional abuse though, which also makes you feel as if you're going insane. A common tactic of emotional abuse is to twist everything you say so that everything's your fault. Anything you say is deliberately misconstrued so that you are always wrong. Could you offer examples of what has happened, how he has led you to believe that his treatment of you is on purpose? I don't want to jump to conclusions and you don't offer much information.
...............................
A
female
reader, BetteCliq +, writes (13 November 2016):
I have been you and having broke free from this kind of relationship 9 months ago all I can say to you is get out and break all ties as soon as possible.Tell your friends and family what is happening and use them for support. People with narcissist personality disorder can be very dangerous.It is not you and you may feel like you are living in some kind of fog. You may not see things 100% clearly now but your gut feeling knows that there is nothing wrong with you. Hold on to that because that is what he wants to take from you to make yourself feel better.There's a world of resource about this on the internet but one thing I do know is that these people don't change- they'll just take them down with you if you let them.Stay strong. You deserve better, no doubt about it. X
...............................
A
female
reader, suzzzque269 +, writes (13 November 2016):
 this one is simple...breakup with him. why put yourself through this stress?
...............................
|
