A
female
age
41-50,
*cademic_moss
writes:I've been with my bf for 2.5 years. We've had our ups and downs like every couple but things have changed. Over the last few months there's been a real distance between us. I'm mostly to blame due to jealous and insecurity issues that started causing a lot of fights, at least one every other day. I'd get a negative thought in my head and break up with him every week, and we'd get back together... even though we both knew we weren't really broke up. He and I have talked about my way of thinking and it's something we're working on together. However, as I stated, the problem I'm having is the distance. I feel like we're not as emotionally connected as we once were. I feel like I'm no longer one of his main priorities. He used to text me nonstop and made more effort to contact me. He'd never let 5 hours go by without texting me at least something, now he's going long periods of time, sometimes only sending one text a day. Keep in mind; this is NOT the norm for us. I've talked to him about this (even last night over the phone) and he says that it's hard for him now to just up and contact me 'cause he's so used to me starting a fight about something. He said last night he loves and cares about me but he doesn't want to argue. He wants me to try and stay positive in the relationship even when things don't go my way. Example, in the past there's been times he's promised to call me and ended up falling asleep or such and didn't make the call. Okay, I'd throw a fit and now when he promises me he'll call he wants me to say "okay" and nothing more. He wants me to just trust what he's telling me instead of thinking of the what-ifs. I understand this but I can't fix these problems and trust things will get back on track if he's still at a distance. The distance, not hearing from him, no real conversation is what's causing the problem here. Last night he kept his promise and called me like he said he would, we talked for over an hour. This morning, first thing when he woke up he sent me a good morning voice-text, as promised... but that's basically where it ends. I haven't really heard anything from him today. He isn't working today, he's been on Xbox doing his gaming thing... but I'm feeling left out in the cold. Like I said, this isn't the norm for us. I'm used to him texting me on and off ALL day. I know he cares about me and I know he isn't cheating but I don't know what to do to fix this problem now. I think he's somewhat emotionally disconnected himself and put me lower on the priority list out of thinking if he contacts me I'm going to start a fight. What should I do? Not hearing from him just makes it worse. THAT is mostly what our fights are about now. He told me last night that if he didn't love nor care about me he wouldn't put himself through the hell he endures when he does talk to me. All I'm wanting from him is his old way of communicating. I want him to think about me more than he does, put me a little higher on his list but when I start to think it's getting back to that, it doesn't. He throws me off again with the one text, distant thing.Thanks for reading and your comments!!
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female
reader, academic_moss +, writes (17 February 2013):
academic_moss is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies. Example: let's say he went 2 days with NC.. and when he finally decided to make contact, out of hurt and anger, I'd ignore it and do the same in return. I'd do this so he'd have more space and could make sure I was what he still wanted but this doesn't work. I've left him alone, given him space and he ends up getting mad at me for blowing him off. I really don't know what to do here except reply to any and all texts, in however which they come? But I need more than what he's giving me now to make this relationship work. If he text me one text a week (which it hasn't gotten that bad yet) that one text would say something to show he still considers us in a relationship together, but it isn't enough. That's never been enough for either one of us. If he doesn't hear from me then he goes into feeling insecure also. I guess I'm just going to try and force myself to send him positive texts back when he does contact me and hope they'll start increasing. I miss him, I really do. :( Thanks!
A
female
reader, sneha09  +, writes (17 February 2013):
 You know what? don't let distance take a toll over your relationship and yourself.You break up just as a game, you will never know how these things can affect a relationship.Don't make it an issue to get things done your way,that's destructive for relationship.Your thoughts are right but your ways are wrong.When we girls strive for romanticism, guys think trust is the only thing that is needed to build a relationship.You can't get it out from guy's head.Being in a relationship I can understand talking out doesn't solve a problem always.Don't push him hard to call you or text you,don't ask him about his where-dos or more,let him say on his own.Trust him until you are sure he is cheating and if he is doing something , you don't like,let him know politely but clearly but not regularly(be very sure of what you are thinking and more what you know).Do get that charm back,prepare some surprises for him.He loves you and he will be happy if you just handle every thing with somewhat coldness and more love.Remember every relationship is not life long,be prepared.Remember all the successful relationship may not have much romance in it but trust definitely plays a vital role(guys may be right in this respect ;)).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2013): It sounds like you have not learned from your mistakes and are still making them. You drove him away by always causing conflict and making him develop a negative association with you. And no, this isn't a relationship problem for both of you to work on together; it is YOUR problem to work on by yourself with or without his support. Yet now when he is only behaving in a natural way in response to the emotional damage you have done to him, you start yet more fights.You need to back off from him and leave him alone. He NEEDS a ton of space from you now due to the way you have treated him. If you kept kicking a dog would you be surprised that it will want to stay far away from you to protect itself? That is how he feels because that is how you have conditioned him to feel. Yes you are a lower priority to him now; he has detached himself from you to save his sanity. Amy guy would do that in fact many guys would have broken up permanently by now. Again you drove him to this so you have to take responsibility now and not do the same thing again which is demanding he attend to your needs while you disregard his. What should you do? You should work on your insecurity and the first place to start is to LET HIM BE. If he wants zero contact with you for however long then you need to allow this because that is part of getting a grip on your issues and respecting his right not to continually be subjected to harassment. This guy is a saint so if you don't want to lose him permanently you need to start making changes on your own and make zero demands on him no matter how anxious you feel, it is not his job to quell your insecurity it is yours and yours alone.
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