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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: My confidence is really low right now, because of the way I look. I'm pear shaped... which means I have small boobs, and a big lower body, including matronly hips, a big ass and thick thighs. I know some men supposedly don't mind these things (supposedly), and it's actuallly other women that make me feel more self conscious... like sometimes I'll read fashion blogs or I'll hear other women commenting about other women and it's always like "her boobs are too small, she looks like a little kid", or "her thighs are fat and gross!" or "big hips make her look matronly and huge"... instead, most women praise other women with large boobs, narrow hips, and skinny thighs, especially if they have a "thigh gap".And in my experience, most men like this look too... thin girl with big boobs and narrow/skinny lower body. I mean, when I say I'm pear shaped, I'm not exaggerating, my whole lower body is huge compared to my upper body... but the thing is, I'm not overweight! I can stand to lose a few pounds, but I'm not overweight, my doctor says my weight is perfectly normal. I guess it's just genetics, bone structure, whatever.And then you have magazines like the SI Swimsuit edition that also impose this ideal... I mean sure, Kate Upton (this year's cover girl) is not typically skinny and I applaud that, but she has massive breasts which I guess is what men prefer. I've also heard guys say they don't like thick thighs. I'm the opposite of what society considers hot.I'm currently single and this insecurity and feeling of inferiority is making me sulky and shy... I mean, I'll never be hot in the eyes of anyone. And if I lose weight it will only change a bit, it won't change my basic shape. I eat healthy, I exercise daily... I just can't fight my basic genetics, I'm meant to look like this... but other women call my body type "gross" and men prefer to salivate over the antithesis of what I look like.I know personality matters the most, and for a romantic relationship, yeah, sure, it matters the most... but it would be naive to think that for a *sexual* relationship personality overrides looks... and what is the point of having a sexless relationship? Also, I don't want to be settled for AGAIN, it's too painful to bear the fact that your partners constantly tells you he loves you "for the inside" but insists that "physically you're not my type". It hurts because it made me feel ugly, still does, like he was so desperate he had to settle, like I wasn't beautiful... like it or not, as women, we like feeling special and like the most beautiful woman to our guy, and no matter how much they love our personality if they say we're not their type it can ruin everything. It did for me. And yes, I thought he was the most handsome man in the world, but then I have no type and physically for me he was more than enough... I'm not saying I didn't find other men attractive, just that I felt that I loved him for his personality AND for his looks. Anyway... Kate Upton is in all news stand now, and I know it's silly but all that just reminds me of ho "gross" I am. How can I build up my confidence?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2013): Starting with second half of twenties century it's became an issue for women that are different than thin. Just think about it: before women were wearing long dresses, no one ever but their husbands saw their legs, or bottom part of their body. With shorter and shorter fashion our bodies are pretty much completely exposed.
Also what media tells us that only skinny women are beatifull. If you read books from previous centuries, you ll see that skinny women were never popular. A description of skinniness were often connected to some illness. When poets and writers described women they use description as ,full shoulders, full neck, plump cheeks., that was a norm for being beatifull. You can never find a description of a beatifull woman in novels such as skinny legs and arms.
Cellulite always existed, no one ever called it cellulite, it was called dimples. Women always had it. Now we are told its ugly, and there is a multibillion industry that wants us to spend money on cellulite treatments.
Why I m saying all these that you are also a product of this society, and you over criticize yourself thinking that all men are like your ex boyfriend.
Men might have their special taste in women, preferences, but it doesn't mean they don't find other types attractive. For example, my husband likes petite women,mwith small breasts, very delicate. I'm a complete opposite. While I'm not very tall, only 5.4 butbim not petite by any definition. And never was. I have large breasts, round hips, and full legs. I'm hourglass shaped, and he prefers boy like figures. So, you see , he has his preferences, but he likes the way I look also.
I always liked tall, very much in shape big men. My husband is not tall, not very muscly and very lean. Before him I only dated men who look big and strong, and married a guy who doesn't look like that at all.
You might have a preference but still find many other types attractive. I also don't agree that personality doesn't matter. Love is a combination of these two, it doesn't matter how beatifull you are if there is no connection on personal level then what the Beaty is good for.
Also I don't particularly find my husband thin arms attractive, His arms are the same size as mine,really, but it doesn't change the fact that overall I find him attractive as whole. A man might not find your bottom part especially attractive to him, but overall he ll find you beatifull.
It's not as important as you think it is.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2013): It's difficult to build confidence for relationships. I think a lot of times insecurity about one's body is an extension of overall nervousness about relationships and being accepted/desired by the person you care about. I know it's kind of cliche, but I think the best thing is to focus on building your confidence with the person you want to be with. I have no doubt there is a guy out there who likes you for your personality and your looks, so it's just as well that you're not with someone that only likes you for one. Even in a sexual relationship, although it might be important to find your partner attractive, I think men are less discriminating then you imagine. If he's in a relationship with you he's probably OK with you physically.From a guy's perspective, as far as body goes, it's important to keep in mind that not all men go for the same thing. A lot of guys prefer your body type. It's natural for a woman to be bigger in the butt and hips, and I think men understand that -- don't be ashamed of your genetics and feminine body. Just because Kate Upton is on the cover of Sports Illustrated doesn't mean that that's what all men want. She has a certain body type that is attractive and alluring in certain ways, but men are usually attracted to more than one female body type.
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A
female
reader, ihavetoomanythoughts  +, writes (17 February 2013):
 Come now, not all men have the same vision when it comes to what their ideal woman should look like. Browsing the internet, I've come across several opinions about the ideal female body. Some men like their women large everywhere. Others detest large boobs. Some others love a big butt and others yet again admire a long torso. It just depends on the guy and I can assure you (I have a similar body type) that guys who like your body type do exist. In fact, I'm pretty sure large hips is really quite attractive from an evolutionary perspective. Good child-bearing material ;)That said, I don't believe that physical attraction overrides personality in a sexual relationship. Sure physical attraction does determine whether or not you want to jump into bed with someone but would you have sex with someone who was a total jerk?There are people out there who appreciate your body and I think you should too. I know it isn't easy but really, you are a healthy person and there's no reason why others should find you unattractive! If you like, you can focus on doing toning exercises for your upper body so that the muscles you develop will visually balance out your lower body. Also, I know you can't actually increase breast size naturally but I've read that you can work the pectoral muscles under your breasts so that they appear larger. You know how if you put lots of effort into a project, you come to love and appreciate it? It's the same with working out your body ;)Just so you know, your previous partner sounds like a terrible jerk. There's no question that you deserve better. He just had insecurity issues which he was pawning off onto you.
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A
female
reader, Stelladra  +, writes (17 February 2013):
You have to learn to love yourself before anyone can love you. And one thing I learned in life is some men like skinny women, some curvy, some like big bottoms, some like big busts, some like athletic builds so basically there will always be a man who will love your shape. But if you don't love you, and you don't feel attractive and confident, men won't be attracted to you period. I had a friend who looked like a model but she was soooo insecure it would last a month and they had to end the relationship. She had to be told wherever she went she was the prettiest girl in the room. Now that's a turn off. I on the other hand liked my body even if it was curvier than average. And my confidence got me a lot of dates when I was single.Then I became a stylist and I taught women how to dress for their body types. Pear shaped bodies can be extremely sexy. Marilyn Monroe was for instance a pear shape. Look to her for style advice. Wiggle dresses are great for making pear shapes look sexy, also wrap dresses. Pencil skirts slim the lower half then to balance your upper body wear a top that is a little blousy or has puffed sleeves. So tight sleek bottoms, loose bigger tops but always showcase your slim waist with a belt or a top that is tighter at the waist. Marilyn Monroe always did that. Also darker colours on the bottom, texture and brighter colors on top. So experiment with clothes and work on loving yourself every day. Do something nice for yourself regularly. Showcase your favorite features and stand proud and tall. More then anything that will attract men to you like pigeons to bird seed. And you won't attract the type of guys who put you down either because you'll tell them to take a running jump off a cliff. Good luck!
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