A
female
age
30-35,
*subasashou
writes:Hi there. I am writing because I have no one else to turn to really. So let me just get to it. Ive been with my boyfriend for 1 year and 8 months. I love him to bits but being with him is litrally killing me. Today I found my boyfriends profile on a dating website and it said he was last on there 3 months ago. This really devastated me because its not my first time seeing him on a dating website. The last time I saw him on a dating website he said he went on because I pissed him off. Its like he pisses me off too but I never go and do that to him. So anyway I was really upset about this because its the second time im seeing this so I just decided I dont even want to talk to him. He messaged me to say hi ( he was drunk) and I was asleep at the time. My phone battery was low so my phone switched off. I woke up at about 3am to charge it. And then I see like 24 missed calls and dozens of messages. He started accusing me of cheating (like he always does) and called me all kinds of names like he usually does when his drunk. It really just hurts so bad and I feel so violated for being accused of something I have not done slmost all the time. He started saying im ugly and his gonna get with his friends cousin.He poked fun at me for having social anxiety by saying he doesn't want a " low social chick". He said I aint nothing and he prefers his cousins cause they are good looking ( wtf is that even saposed to meanstated that he would be getting me back for my cheating (what cheating? )His so delusional his actually convinced himself that im cheating and he really truly believes it nobody can tell him otherwise. When his sober his really cool and just lovely to be around, i just look at him and think how can this be the man that causes me so much pain. I just don't want to believe it.He just really hurt me throught this relationship like theres just soo mich more... I just have nothing left in me im just dead inside. Like this man constantly adds slutty women on social networking sites or follows them and when I ask him why does he do that he just says that " its not like I know them in real life for f**k sakes" and then wants to acuse me of cheating and treat me like this? I really just cant take it someone help me please :(
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (23 December 2013):
 Like most people who read your post, I had your boyfriend and your situation sized up just by reading the title. The first paragraph confirmed it and the rest was just torture to read.
You've heard the expression 'the best defense is a good offense'? I believe it was first used to describe football, but it applies off the field as much as it does on it.
Your boyfriend is trying to enjoy the best of both worlds. He wants to play around with other women without looking like the bad guy which is why he blames it on you. He doesn't really think you're cheating, and if he does it's only because he knows he's capable of it himself and assumes everyone is as a duplicitous and dishonourable as he is. Chances are he doesn't think it, but he's using it as a disclaimer for his own cheating.
It's so old a tactic it's cliché.
If you stick around knowing this, then that will speak volumes about your character. To stay is to accept it and if you accept it then you're just as capable of treating someone else the way he treats you.
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (20 December 2013):
 Lets get this straight first - HE IS CHEATING ON YOU. Ok so he might not be physically cheating, but he is emotionally cheating and that can be just as bad, if not worse, in some cases. He is forming emotional connections on social media sites and dating websites (probably messaging a lot of girls on there), that is cheating on you. He is not being faithful because he is a) deliberately searching for girls he finds attractive online and then b) messaging them
This is not acceptable and I know this isnt what you want to hear but he knows you are a doormat and just accept it. If you have caught him twice clearly he has not learnt his lesson, he doesnt care about your feelings and doesnt respect you one bit. He doesnt value your relationship as he is willing to put it on the line all for the sake of some flirtation and chat with slutty girls online.
So why does he accuse you of cheating? Because this is classic behaviour of people that ARE CHEATING. This is just his way of expressing his guilt over his own cheating, he knows he is doing you wrong on a daily basis, he knows he is not trustworthy therefore he is living in fear that you are doing the same to him - after all he is a dirty dog so why wouldnt someone do the same back to him? That is his mentality, because he has the mentality of a cheater.
He can hide his own bad behaviour by accusing you of bad behaviour - it is easier for him to make you feel bad so you dont focus on what he is doing wrong in the relationship. This really is classic cheater behaviour - have a read of this article:
http://cheatlierepeat.hubpages.com/hub/So-whats-the-deal-with-Cheaters
This statement summarises your boyfriend perfectly:
"The very fact that they are capable of being unfaithful puts them on the defensive and paranoia sets in. If they are doing it, they assume their partner must be doing it also."
So what should you do now you understand that your boyfriend is cheating and just accusing you of it because he is paranoid because of his own cheating? LEAVE.
You are too young to have to put up with this kind of behaviour, he is a mess and needs to sort his life out - you cannot do that for him. He doesnt know how to treat you properly, is not mature enough to settle down and clearly wants to keep his options open (hence the dating sites). You have given him many chances and put up with this for too long, he is not going to change so put yourself first for a change and move on.
If you feel dead inside at such a young age that is truly awful, no other person should be able to do that to you. Be strong, realise you deserve better and dont waste any more of your time on a selfish jerk who doesnt appreciate you. There are so many more men out there who actually treat women right, I know this site doesnt show the best of people out there but this is just a place where people come to with problems - there are in fact millions of happy people out there in loving relationships.
Dont settle for being treated badly, you are worth more than that - we as women sometimes need to be strong and not be afraid of recognising you are in fact a good catch. If a man ever makes you feel worthless and unhappy then he is not the man for you, so dont waste any more time on him.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (20 December 2013):
 Honey, because he is unfaithful to you he is projecting it on to you. Why are you still with him? You need to stop letting him abuse you, yes this is a form of abuse and decide that this is a dead end relationship and you deserve to be happy and with someone you can trust.
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