A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello dear internet, I have nowhere else to turn and thus I find myself here requesting your genial and honest advice. This is mostly an appeal to men, personally as a woman I don't understand it but anyone who can offer advice I will be very grateful towards. I don't really know how to preface this so I will get right down to the point. My boyfriend and I are high school sweet hearts of three patient years, and while we are getting more physical - safely I might add, we have protection, we are educated consenting almost-adults - I have noticed that he is insecure about his physical self. Myself, I am quite happy with, and I love him, teddy bear-esque shape and all. He's not fat, he's really tall and a little bit round in the middle but he's got muscled arms and back and good strong legs. However, he thinks he has a small genitalia, and that is the issue. I do not have a problem with it, although he insists that when flacid it is pathetic and smaller than it should be. I have absolutely no idea what to tell him, I've tried assuring him that I am perfectly happy with him just the way he is and that when not flacid I am impressed, but he is hung up on the size of the flacid state and I don't know how to help him.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 September 2013):
 He's not look for you to be happy with his size. You're not the one he's trying to impress. He's looking to impress the other guys in the shower. Probably some guy(s) have huge flaccid ones, and he compares himself to them and feels small. He's not confident enough to realize that feeling insecure about this is a waste of time. I'm pretty sure he knows that he grows when he's erect... So this isn't about him not being educated or capable of logic thought. But insecurity is rooted in feelings, not facts. Hence why logics will not make him "snap out of it". This is something he needs to work on, at his own speed, by himself.
Having had.. well, ONLY insecure boyfriends ever in my life, I know this all too well. What I have learned though, and this I want you to listen carefully to, is to NOT fall into the trap of being a "fixer". You CAN NOT make him accept himself. You CAN NOT make him "realize" how great he is, how big his penis is, how satisfied you are with him etc.
Babying him, complimenting him, stroking his ego gently, do you know what that will accomplish? Nothing. It is a complete waste of time, and energy, and it is so extremely unappreciated. He doesn't believe you, he doesn't accept the compliment. So drop it. Only give him a compliment when he will say nothing in return but "Thank you" while looking into your eyes. Anything else means he's brushing it away and not paying attention to it.
Never humour him if he goes into self pity state. He will only grow and learn to accept himself if he realizes he is ON HIS OWN in doing this. He can talk to you, he can get comfort from you in the form of a hug, but other than that do not give him special attention. That just teaches him to sulk and sulk and throw pity parties, rather than actually DOING something about it.
I have one of the most insecure boyfriends in the world. When he asked me if I thought he was small, I suggested we bring out a ruler and measure. No fizz and fuzz. Let's measure and see! End of discussion, he never brought it up again.
When he asks me "Do I look silly in this outfit", I answer "Yes, you look awful, you better just take the clothes of and be naked."
Silly questions deserve silly answers. He stops asking me if he looks terrible, and starts to trust his own judgment.
So next time your boyfriend goes sulking "I don't look big enough when flaccid", you should say "You are right. Your penis looks small when flaccid.". Don't say it in a mean tone, but just agree to whatever it is he is saying. If he actually doesn't mean it, he will stop saying it. When he stops saying it he stops focusing on it. When he stops focusing on it he can use his energy on positive thoughts, rather than negative thoughts. When the negative thoughts are out of his mind he will listen more carefully to the positive things you say, such as "Sweetie, your big hard on drives me crazy".. Or whatever it is you say to him in bed that is a compliment.
Tough love. That is the only thing that works.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 September 2013):
 Aunty Babbit said it more scientifically, but everybody ( but your boyfriend ? ) knows there are " showers " and " growers " . A smaller flaccid penis can become thrice as long in erection, while a bigger one ( thankfully ) cannot.
Btw, that's where the stereotype about black males being overendowed comes from. While, according to the stats, it's true that the average black male size is a few millimeters ( so, a fraction of a fraction of inch ) more than a caucasian or asian one, at the end of the day the difference from general statistic average is not impressive at all- when measured in erection. When measured in a flaccid state, for some quirky genetic reason , it is. But,- who cares about flaccid penises anyway ?
Have your bf read the stats, and I don't mean just what you can find on Internet, borrow from the library some serious text of anatomy or sexuology and have him get documented about the issue- that should hopefully be enough to reassure him.
And, tell him that is preoccupation with penis size is not that relevant for an heterosexual male. If he were a gay guy tryng to score some locker-room romance, I could understand he'd want to impress visually. But, as it is, whom does he need to impress with his flaccid size ?
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A
male
reader, unknown2u +, writes (1 September 2013):
OK, this is an issue that just is not discussed, so I suppose an adolescent guy could be freaking out. I will admit that seeing a guy at the next urinal with six flacid inches was a surprise. A surprise because I was only near six inches hard, and more like two otherwise. So I learned that there was all sorts of variety out there.
More to the point, who cares? In showers in a mens's club I might not have much to show, but there isn't a person there I want to impress. I want my girlfriend to be happy and satisfied, and that has nada to do with how I am flaccid.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (31 August 2013):
 I'm not a guy, sorry but as an ex nurse, midwife, practice sister etc I've seen many male genitalia in various states of arousal.
Men vary considerably when flaccid (as they quickly learn in the showers at school) but when erect are all pretty much the same (something they would not see).
It's rare a flaccid penis would be sexually arousing to a woman, it's the aroused one that generally "floats her boat" so to speak.
Also, your b/f perspective is different to yours, he's looking down on it, you're looking at it.
From a purely female perspective, it really isn't the size that matters at all, it's knowing how and when to use it right.
Most women I know would rather have a caring, sensitive, considerate lover with an average sized member than a selfish, boarish one who's bigger.
Provided the size of his genitalia isn't interfering with it's normal functions he has little to worry about, if there is an issue then he could discuss this matter with his GP.
He's also still young and may still be growing and developing yet. Bless him, I hope he soon understands that having a loving partner who finds him sexually attractive is much more important than a few flaccid inches.
He's lucky to have such a lovely partner. I wish you both well AB x
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A
male
reader, Makar  +, writes (31 August 2013):
 My god that's silly. If he isn't convinced directly by you saying "it is OK", than he is braindead and there's no way out. :(
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