A
female
age
51-59,
*Tristan
writes:So I have been with my bf for 16 years. We have 2 teenagers together and pretty much live as if we are married, just no papers. Recently this past summer, he was out of town and met some 61 year old "cougar" in a bar. My bf is 41, so I can't really call him cougar meat, but still she is 20 years older. Anyway...I found out because he was giving out red flags, such as blowing me off for an entire day/night without calling. In our whole 16 year relationship, anytime he is out of town he always calls home without fail to see how mine and the kids day went etc. So I checked his cell phone records and sure enough, there was this new phone number that he was calling a lot...so I called it myself and it was a woman's voice mail. When I asked him who she was, he proceeded to tell me she was just a friend and that he ended up giving her a ride home because her ride left her. 2 mos later, I find out that he slept with her in those 2 weeks that he was out of town, and it wasn't just once. When I busted him, he tried to make it sound like him and I were having problems anyway, and pretty much tried to make it my fault. He ended up moving out for about a week, but kept coming by to see our kids and all he would do was cry. At that point I felt like maybe we could try to make this work...the kids were upset, I was upset....and he acted like he didn't want to leave...so I let him come home. That was 7 mos ago. In those last 7 mos...I have had to deal with him texting and calling this lady everyday. I have been aware of him doing this...and sometimes I ask him about it and he will fess up and say "yes, I talked or texted to her today" or other times he will straight out lie to me and say "Nope, haven't talked to her today" when I flat out have proof in his cell phone records that he did. When I ask why he is still talking to her, he tells me that they are just friends now and that he doesn't have any real guy friends to talk to and that he likes her intellect. He says they can talk football or politics and that he just enjoys the conversation and nothing more. Then he proceeds to tell me that I have no interest in politics or football (which is true) and that is why he talks to her. This has been going on for so long, I accuse him of having a now emotional attachment to this lady because of the texting and chatting. Sometimes their conversations will last up to an hour. As for the texts, I have seen them go back and forth as many as 15 times in a day. From the cell phone records, it looks like he initiates the calls or texts about 95% of the time. We have had heated discussions about this over and over, sometimes I drill it into the ground with him, and he still insists on the friendship. He says that I see it differently that he does, and that I am making it into this huge love romance thing and it's not that at all. I asked him to stop doing it, and he won't. He says that he doesn't have to answer to me, and I need to stop treating him like a 15 year old boy, wanting to know who he is talking to. So today, I saw that he talked to her for 33 minutes on the phone while I was at work. When I asked him tonight if he spoke to her today *because I already knew he did* he looked me square in the face and said "no". I said "are you sure" and he said "I didn't talk to her today." I have had enough. I really don't know what to think anymore. I don't believe this is just friends, although he also tells me that if he wanted to be with her, he would be with her...and says to me "where do I sleep every night?" I saw a picture of her, and she looks good for 61, but she is still 61!!!! Whatever...so I found this board tonight. I really need some advice. Yes, I do love him...but don't think I can live this way. It's not going to stop, he has already proved to me that he won't stop talking or texting her. My plan is to find an apartment and move out one day when he is out of town...to show him I wasn't joking when I said I was going to leave him if he didn't stop talking to her. Am I making a mistake if I move out over just a friendship???
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male
reader, Illithid +, writes (4 January 2010):
 I agree with Angzw that you should call her. I also agree with you that this is wildly inappropriate and he SHOULD cut all ties with this woman.
Ordinarily, a man CAN be friends with a woman without it being out of bounds. A married man can have female friends, that's fine. But when these female friends are taking priority (such that he stands you up), or are getting hour+ phone calls several days a week as well as dozens of text messages, or are being used as examples of all the things you're not (like his closer intellectual connection), then it's too far. He has an emotional connection with this woman that he's losing with you. And he's even SLEPT with her MORE THAN ONCE!
At that point, honestly, he lost ALL right to claim "she's just a friend." No she's not. She's a woman he cheated on you with and even now is carrying on a long distance relationship with. This is not a friend. This is his girlfriend. You are being cheated on.
You have every right in the WORLD to insist that your man (husband/boyfriend/whatever) be monogamous. You're not treating him like a 15 year old. You're treating him like a husband! He's ACTING like a 15 year old! It's hell to break up, particularly when you two have older children, but he's got to choose one or the other of you and fast. If he doesn't cut all ties with this woman, then he's chosen her.
Call her. Tell her that she's breaking up a family. Ask her to cut ties. If neither will stop calling the other... there's not a lot you can do. I'm sorry, truly.
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (4 January 2010):
When you have a man who lies like this, the best way is to talk to the woman. Not a violent aggressive thing but just call her up and ask her if she knows about you and if she is aware that you are still together and madly in love and that you have sex with him every night? My ex (one of the many times he cheated) would also lie that it was just friends and when I called the woman she had no idea and she dropped him like a hot potato. Then maybe after you hear the truth from her, move out so he can get home to an empty house.
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A
female
reader, Xolani  +, writes (4 January 2010):
 It's the right decision move out and move on. To show that he is not serious about your relationship how come you are not married for 16yrs seeing this looser. It looks like he got a bigger fish in his net jump out before you get hurt. Good Luck.....
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A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (4 January 2010):
 Let him go. You are still young. This first clue I got was the fact that you all have been dating for 16 years. It amazes me that you have given him almost hafe your life without a real commitment.
Tell him he has to move out, so that you can move on. There really are men out there that will treat you like the queen that you are.
Good Luck!
Jeff
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