A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I are in the same profession, and he's been having a bit of a tough time lately. He's someone whose self-image is closely connected to his academic and professional success, and for most of the time I've known him (we met in grad school), it's bothered him intensely that I'm "beating" him in the career field. He doesn't begrudge me my success - it just highlights for him the reasons he'd be feeling bad about himself, anyway.Is there anything at all that I can do? I know it's primarily his issue. I'm just wondering whether there's anything I could do to be supportive as he struggles with this. It is hard to see him so beat up about something and feel like there's absolutely nothing I can do. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (21 October 2008):
 Lord he sounds like a bit of a hard case to handle. He should be happy for you, rather than using your successes as background music for his pity party. You should not downplay your own happiness at your success for him, you should not feel guilty or bad for being good at what you do, and you should never let your own feelings of accomplishment be tainted by his self-loathing.
There is pretty much nothing that you can do to deal with him. He is the one that has to come to terms with his inadequacies. You did not cause them, so it is not your job to fix them. I know I sound harsh but, in every relationship, in every workplace, in every aspect of life, there will be someone doing better than someone else in some way. It would be miraculous if both of you progressed through your careers at the same pace, encountering the same opportunities and benefits as one another. That just doesn't happen. It would be freakish if it did. Instead of being jealous and feeling dwarfed by your current success, he should be thrilled to be with such an accomplished and skilled woman, and celebrate your successes with you.
You are not "beating" him because it is not a competition and there is no prize. It's only a matter of time before his own fortunes are reversed, things rarely stay the same, after all. Life is not static, careers are rarely perfectly stable, there are ups and downs.
He needs to stop pouting and start looking at the success he has already achieved, no matter how big or small it is.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (21 October 2008):
This is going to be a difficult one to handle.
You risk doing nothing and being seen to be unsupportive, or doing too much and denting his ego even more because he feels his girlfriend has to give him a leg up.
I think you should try and help him achieve his dreams but gently and subtley. It's not going to be too hard a balance to achieve as women have been helping to boost their husband's careers for hundreds of years when they couldn't have their own.
Also try and keep work talk to a minimum when you are at home and stroke his ego in other areas, including how much he has helped you in your career (even just by "being there")
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): There is nothing you can do but support him. Don't feel guilty for your success and like you said, it his issue that he needs to get over. Your not in competiton with each other, maybe you should remind him of this. Personally If I was you, I just ignore his feelings on the matter, there really nothing you can do.
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A
female
reader, VictoriaK +, writes (21 October 2008):
 You can help by simply being there for him. If he's feeling bad because you're "beating" him, then maybe try not telling him about promotions or things that might make him feel worse. It might seem like lying, but I think that it would be in his best interest to just hear about himself for a while. Stroke his ego if need be. Most men need their egos stroked once in a while. If he still seems to be upset about this career "battle" then I would suggest you have a nice long talk about what his BIGGEST issues are, and then try to help him on the path to success! Much Luck, Wish You Well. Keep us posted!
Victoria~
P.S. If you ever need to talk, then message me, I will gladly help!
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