A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Urgh. I’ve been with my boyfriend a year and a half, and am having huge issues with him booking a holiday with ‘the lads’ to Ibiza this summer. I can sense your eyes rolling, and I’m sorry :(I’m 24 and he’s 32, so far our relationships been great minus a few normal bumps in the road, mostly to do with my trust issues. He’s had two long term relationships before me, and has never been on holiday with the lads before, as he says he felt like he couldn’t whilst with his exes as they always gave him an ultimatum, and the fact he feels like he can go whilst in a relationship with me is testament to ‘us’. It’s quite clear that he is going, no matter how I feel about it, and he has even saved the money for it behind my back. I’m mainly concerned because he is going with 4 other friends, 3 of which are single and the 4th is married (and might not actually go) has cheated on his wife...I went on holiday with my girlfriends at the very start of our relationship (which I had booked before I met him), but it was with 4 girlfriends who were all in relationships at the time, it was the start of the season so wasn’t too busy, and I ended spending 40 odd euro’s on phone cards so I could call him, because he was really paranoid about me going. In all honesty, it was a quiet holiday. I didn’t cheat, none of us even came close, but I know what his friends are like, and I especially know what they are like around women, he is, by nature too a very friendly and flirty person – and can I also add he is very attractive and gets a lot of female attention.He doesn’t quite know how upset I am about this at the moment but I don’t know how to approach the subject. I really don’t feel comfortable about this, but I don’t want it to come across like I’m being controlling – if I’m honest, I don’t want him to go. I would never plan a holiday behind his back; the next holiday my friends and I were talking about going on was going to be mixed so boyfriends could come along – I just feel like I plan a lot of what I do around him and he hasn’t given me a second thought regarding this. I also feel like he took his ex girlfriend’s feelings about going on holiday into consideration but not mine. It’s hard to take because he is a wonderful boyfriend who has treated me incredibly well. He is wonderful, actually, but I just know myself well enough to know that I will not deal with this well, I do have trust issues and I frequently air them to him.He knows it’s not possible for me to go on holiday this year, so I really don’t know what to do. Any help would be greatly appreciated :(
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (19 April 2011):
Hi there. Trust is a big thing in all relationships. If it is not there, well then it's very hard to gain it.
All I can say is, trust him completely unless he gives you any reason not to.
It does seem that he has done nothing to cause you to mistrust him in any way.
It could come across as controlling to him if you keep on doubting him, and over time it could be the demise of your relationship altogether. I'm sure you don't want that.
I don't believe that you can stop him from going away, so you will have to let him go and just tell him to enjoy himself.
Whatever you do, don't beg him not to go or give him an ultimatum either. Because he will most likely get angry, you will have an argument, and an ultimatum could end it all before he goes away. It would in any case, change the whole dynamics of your relationship, that's for sure.
When the time does come for him to leave for his holiday, be cheerful and positive and say to him - "Enjoy your holiday and have fun! Take care, and I'll see you later." Smile and give him a little hug. But no tears! Don't let him see how you really feel.
Don't say - "I'll miss you." Say nothing like that at all.
In other words, stay calm and relaxed and let him see that it does not worry you in the slightest. And while he's away, make sure you don't sit at home the whole time he's away either. Go out with your friends and have fun! Just enjoy yourself. Life is too short.
You could almost be in a hurry to get him out the door, like you are about to go out yourself! That will make him wonder.
The main thing is to give him the impression that him going away with his mates is no problem whatsoever to you, and it never will be.
That way, you become a challenge to him - and that makes you very interesting indeed.
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