A
female
age
36-40,
*imone_dana
writes:Hi,I am confused about what to do and how to feel... My boyfriend will attend the wedding of a high school classmate. They are not close friends. They haven't seen each other for 2 years. He invited him to his wedding 3 weeks before the wedding date. Another thing.. my boyfriend was in a previous relationship of 8 years. His ex will be at the wedding as well, but she is in another relationship right now. It will also be my birthday on the wedding's date. My boyfriend told me not to go with him at the wedding cause I will feel awkward. I feel sad about the whole situation, I'm mad on him, then I think I'm selfish and I'm ok, then I'm again sad.What would you do?
View related questions:
his ex, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 May 2013):
 well he's my take on it
inviting someone 3 weeks before the wedding is a bit odd but maybe he's B list for the groom and a spot opened up... I would still want to KNOW why he was NOT invited in the first go round and is now invited.
I would be PISSED that my boyfriend has agreed to go to a wedding with so little notice ESPECIALLY if we already had PLANS for that day (and it's a special day it's your birthday) and NOW he's excluding you.
YOU mentioned the things that are important to you:
3 weeks before the wedding
invite for him you are told not to attend
ex girlfriend will be there
so clearly the EX being there bothers you.... would him going to this weeding with a mere 3 weeks notice and telling you not to go with him ON YOUR BIRTHDAY bother you so much if the ex was not going to be there?
and BTW how do you know the ex will be there? if he told you... well ask him why he mentioned it (I would)
and I would not sulk or be sad I would TELL HIM POINT BLANK how I FELT and WHY... but you can't tell him till YOU know WHY... so why is it bothering you?
AND
A
female
reader, simone_dana +, writes (28 May 2013):
simone_dana is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy question was not about weather to leave him or not. I wont leave him. He is not a jerk, he is actually awesome. The question was about finding out different perspectives. That's why I very much appreciated Cerberus and CindyCares answers. They didn't say they are 100% sure about something. You cannot dream of knowing someone from a 20 lines description.
Thank you all for sharing you opinions.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 May 2013):
 OP: IF you choose not to agree with me... and IF you choose to give your "B/F" a pass for this boorish behaviour... THEN don't be surprised if, in a short time (just after the wedding), you are on here saying "Oh, boo-hoo, I just had a horrible time with my "B/F" going to a wedding, and leaving me behind... and, now, I am in despair...."
I'm a prety good judge of what HAS - and WILL - occur.... and YOU, are about to learn how disheartening it can be to have jerk as a "boyfriend".....
Sorry....
...............................
A
female
reader, wavesearcher  +, writes (26 May 2013):
That's a bad sign. Especially since the ex gf is there. He wants to be seen as a "free man" possibly? Girl, I'm not going to go so far as to say dump his butt, but really, come on, I celebrate my DOGS birthday haha!It's your birthday. Who gives a whatever about this person he hasn't seen in two years? Obviously he hasn't made the effort to see them right?? And if so then this would be a good time to meet them and learn about his past.For example, as a child I would tell my parents not to come to parent teacher interviews because I was being cheeky in class, and I would lie to get myself out of trouble and tell them that it's not one on one, it's super boring and they wouldn't like it. (Needless to say my parents were there anyways). But that's the kind of thing a child would say. Your boyfriend needs to grow up. And you need to have a long think about the road ahead. I really wish you the best of luck love, you are a very strong woman. Remember that ;)
...............................
A
female
reader, simone_dana +, writes (26 May 2013):
simone_dana is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSageoldguy, you're right. This is what it seems like from my description, it's my fault, but you don't know the entire picture, so I don't agree with you :). Thanks for the answer
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 May 2013):
One needn't dig very deep to "see" what your "B/F" really has going on... and how it affects YOU. To wit:
This wedding is a chance to get away from YOU, and have a good-old-time with his old school chums... Too bad for you.
That it's your birthday, and he's quite content to leave you by yourself, tells you that you are no better than "second best" in his life. Too bad for you...
That he didn't even ASK YOU about it, before he determined that you didn't/wouldn't want to attend this wedding, tells you that he doesn't much give a damn about you, under most any circumstances. Too bad for you....
How many "too bads" do you need to endure to see that this guy is not the one for you?????
Good luck...
...............................
A
female
reader, simone_dana +, writes (25 May 2013):
simone_dana is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous :) yes, I know his family and friends, my family and friends also know him. We see each other a lot. I don't doubt the thing that he cares about me :). About the "settling" thing, I don't know either if he wants to settle down, but that's not the problem. I enjoy very much the relationship as it is :). Thank you for your answer, my initial thought was the same as yours.
...............................
A
female
reader, simone_dana +, writes (25 May 2013):
simone_dana is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for you're answers Cindy and Cerberus. I very much agree with both of you. I wont force him do anything and I tried to hide the thing that I was a bit sad, cause I know I'm irrational. I was ok with the thing but after talking with one of my friends the thing did not look ok anymore so I needed to get someone else's opinions to see if I'm crazy or not. I didn't talk to other friends since I don't want to make a big deal out of that. The online help seamed a better solution. And it was. Thanks guys :)
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 May 2013):
 I'd say, I'd take it at face value. You don't know anybody at the wedding, not even the groom if I got it right. The only person you would know is your bf.So, not only he wants spare you the trouble, the expense and the utter boredom of having to attend the wedding of perfect strangers, and on your birthday !, when instead you could be out celebrating with your friends and family- he also , a bit selfishly but reasonably, wants to spare himself the inconvenience of being always by your side, making sure you are comfortable, you are OK, you always have someone to talk to etc., while this wedding is probably also an occasion for a sort of high school reunion, old times - old friends celebration.
I imagine you feel antsy because of the presence of his ex, but if he never gave you reason for trust issues, or the hunch that he is not over her yet, I don't think you have anything to worry. After all, it's not like THEY have engineered this wedding to have an excuse to see each other, - she was invited, he was invited, - that's all. When people don't move around much and keeps living in the same place and having more or less the same social circle,it's very easy , almost inevitable, that at some point they end up at the same party, wedding, picnic, funeral, etc.etc. No big deal - she is with someone else, HE is with someone else, and, again, if you radar has not been activated by anything specific, all they will do is to say hi and exchange some brief, polite chit chat.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2013): I would be incredibly pissed off and upset if he told me not to go.He didn't even ask you how you would feel attending, he just gave you an order. I don't see his reasons because if his ex is in a relationship too then there won't be any issues... (Not that avoiding her is your duty- he needs to live his own life and stop worrying about his ex)In isolation, this is a horrible thing to do for him to decide not to spend your birthday with you but to go to a wedding of an old friend he hasn't seen in 2 years... and leave you behind.In the bigger picture... I would seriously question whether he cares about you and is committed to you. Has he introduced you to his friends and family? Does he enjoy going out with you and publicly be a couple?This is not the action of someone who sees himself settling down with you, unless I've missed something.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2013): If you want to go to the wedding and you know for certain you can handle it then just tell him you won't be awkward and you'd like to go.
If he thinks it will be awkward for others then you have to respect his decision not to include you as it's another person's wedding and it would be extremely rude for him to bring someone that may be a source of tension.
As for the birthday thing, you get that once every year, every year and can celebrate it any day of your birthday week. I mean my fiancée's birthday is soon, I don't just treat her to one day of fun, I make an effort for the entire week because for us it's a birthday week not just a day. This year hers falls on a Tuesday so she can't have her birthday party until the Saturday after because of work commitments and stuff, it's not a big deal. Well guess what OP, these friends are only going to get married to each other once, it's a one time deal and of course it's not something that can be delayed or switch like your birthday can.
Talk it out more with him, don't demand that you go and be ready to have a birthday dinner and celebrate that the day before or after with him. See if you can talk it out in a way that you can go, but he's adamant that you going is going to cause tension then you must accept that as their guest he has chosen not to allow that happen, and so he should OP. It's supposed to be the happiest day of their lives, the focus should all be on them. Guests should not take it upon themselves to create friction or awkwardness or bring people that may end up doing so.
Talk it out, Simone. I very much doubt it's him choosing them over you, I very much doubt it's anything personal and maybe he'll change his mind if he can see you're casual about it.
...............................
|
