A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My current boyfriend, Johnny, used to go out with a 21 year old bisexual guy, Kevin. They dated for 4 years. During that time, their relationship was open from the start and Johnny who is gay, forced himself to conform to Kevin's ways and slept with women. They would have threesomes with women and men... For the first 3 years Kevin would not give oral sex, only liked getting anal. No kissing, very mechanical.. Johnny conformed to Kevin's ways cause he liked him a lot. Well when they broke up it was ugly. It's been 2 years since then and they just started talking again. The problem I'm having now is that Johnny now isn't changing the way he was with Kevin now with me, doesn't like kissing, sex is very mechanical and cold. But I think he doesn't want to change because he still has a thing for Kevin and if he did change Kevin wouldn't be interested anymore.. I'm at my wits end and about to end this but would like to know what you think. I'm a 43 yr old gay man who's been out since I was 21 yrs old.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2013): How did you meet your current boyfriend Johnny? This is a missing detail. A very important one.Dating people after a messy breakup is the best way to end up with a lover with a lot of emotional baggage. Especially when they're "still in touch" with the person who most likely dumped and/or hurt them. The old wounds are reopened. Chances are, they never fully recovered.Take into the account Johnny had to adjust to a life-style to accommodate the wishes of his previous partner. He didn't really want to do it. He was doing it to satisfy Kevin. He wanted a younger man? You didn't state Johnny's age. Another missing detail. H-m-m-m-m??? Kevin was controlling, and a very manipulative person. Johnny was willing to do whatever he had to, in order to be with someone who probably didn't really love him; but enjoyed sex with him. Johnny was putty in his hands. He happened to be the most convenient person Kevin could find, that would agree to his terms. Not too many people would.Or they would, until the "right person" in a random threesome.Now Mr.J has to reprogram himself to be with a much older lover (compared to Kevin, calm down); who is strictly into gay sex. Wants a monogamous relationship, with kissing. Let me remind you, this is after four years of forced bisexuality and promiscuous behavior inflicted by Kevin.His mind is confused, and he is somewhat traumatized from what was really a psychologically abusive relationship. He went against his true nature, to be with someone he was infatuated with. He had to share the man he loved with other people in poly-amorous situations. Kevin has a sex addiction.How he must have longed to have Kevin all to himself. There were probably times he was consumed in jealousy. To no avail, of course. He made his bed. No pun intended.If you're not sexually attracted to the opposite sex; the act is repulsive. The performance is forced, like being a prostitute. Going through the motions with no feelings attached. This becomes imprinted on his psyche.He didn't really want an open relationship, and he didn't want sex with women. In order to be with Kevin, he had to agree to his terms and conditions. That's what happens when you're infatuated with a totally "incompatible" partner. You lose yourself. Your sense of well-being, and your self-esteem plummets. The other party pulls your strings.Mr.J sacrificed his own happiness as a condition to be accepted by someone who has a totally different approach to sex and relationships. Kevin was younger, and got his way. At first, it must have been intriguing and consensual.The end result was inevitable. A nasty breakup. You now have the broken version of Johnny. Kevin's traumatized leftovers. Now you're finding fault knowing this man's complete history with his previous partner?To add insult to injury, Kevin is once again in the picture.Only to start pushing the buttons he knows pulled Johnny into his snare the first time. Oh, he will promise Johnny a new and improved version of himself. So you might as well prepare yourself to let go. People often return to their emotionally traumatizing situations; like battered women return to violent boyfriends and husbands. It becomes all they know.Should that be the outcome; you might be better off. Being a more mature gay man, you may feel grateful to have someone; even if they come a little damaged. Uh...NO!!!I don't care how sexy he looks, how chiseled the body,if the head is cracked; it's a no go. If you're a drama queen and feed on melodrama, then hang on to him.My friend, you are better off alone. The damage rubs off. You become frustrated; confused, and entangled in a drama that will land you on a leather couch bearing your soul at $200.00 per hour. I listened to my mother and the older gay men, and I was spared the worst experiences in gay relationships. So now I'm giving back. Helping others.I'm sure you feel heart-broken and unappreciated.Your friends will sing "I told you so" in lively chorus. The melody with be tainted with hypocrisy and self-righteousness. They'll be right, all the same.I am sure you were fore-warned by one person in particular. We always have that level-headed practical friend; who has a more objective point of view. Oh, but you didn't listen! You let your heart get ahead of common sense, and you felt sorry for poor Johnny. He was supposed to find refuge in your arms. Did you stop to think about what you would get in return? You give no description of Johnny. Missing detail. So we'll say he is probably very sweet, nervous, and needy. You were attracted to his wounded and frail nature. He needed care. He is probably attractive and withdrawn.You wanted to fix his broken wing. How do I know? I have gay intuition. I know these things.Kiss-less and mechanical sex is a deal-breaker for those of us who seek true love and affection. Sex may be cold because he isn't attracted to you. May I ask if Johnny is financially independent? Do you share expenses equally? Do you pay most of the bills? Do you pay all his bills? I have to ask. There are so many missing details. My point is to provoke thought. You were looking through blissful, if not lustful, eyes when you became emotionally involved and attracted to your partner. He is probably seductive and mysteriously charming. He has to be. Kevin needed those qualities to attract and bait others into threesomes. Can't leave that out, well-endowed. So many sins are forgiven in the gay world, for those well-endowed.Take everything into account and make a wise decision. Give Johnny back to Kevin. Find yourself someone who is emotionally and physically attracted to you. Who can contribute generously to the household expenses(if not well-endowed.) The only baggage they should bring, should have their clothing and belongings in them. Avoid being too superficial. We all have flaws and a few emotional scars leftover from experiences in our past; but those scars should be healed, and transformed into lessons well-learned. If not, we are destined to repeat those mistakes and relationships will continue to fail. I hope you land on your feet and not on your heart, good fellow. I'm standing in your corner, and wishing you the best in this situation. My heart goes out to poor Johnny also.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 May 2013):
 I think you are "spending" a lot of time thinking and worrying about a guy who doesn't sound much like "partner" material for you. There must be many, much better, prospects available.....
Good luck....
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