A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear All,How would you act if your boyfriend told you he was another girls back up guy and if there both still 40 they would get married as his rich and reliable?I feel this is disrespectful and it"s upset me but he can't see why? Opinions please.X x Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2013): Im guessing that this was before you got together and if so then i really wouldn't worry about it. Hes with you now and the fact he told you says that he's not that worried and they were probably half joking when they said it anyway but whether they were or not dont worry and just move on from it.
Hope this helps.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2013): I think there's nothing wrong with it. It means that if by the time they are 40 and neither of them are married then they will marry each other. But obviously you as his gf take precedence as far as marriage.
Look, either you and him work well enough together that you get married then she is on her own. Or you and him don't work out so you break up with him and he marries her in which you would not care since you already broke up. So what's the big deal?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (27 January 2013):
 I've seen it said in movies... I personally would not take it seriously and I think the fact that he told you indicates poor judgement on his part.
But maybe he's like me. IF i had such a pact with someone they would be a good friend of mine and anyone I was dating would know them and know of said pact... and it would be very matter of fact for me.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (27 January 2013):
You know, I glossed over the "boyfriend told you" part of this question... so my answer was directed towards the idea of this backup arrangement, but the real issue is why he told you. Not that it really needs to be a secret but it's not very relevant for most people.
I agree then with what youwish said, except there is a possibility that your bf doesn't know how to think before he speaks. If he was deliberately telling you than what youwish said was true, but if he just casually mentioned it without thinking, than I'd treat it as an innocent statement.
He might have been confused about what made you feel disrespected, the idea of him having a backup or him feeling the need to tell you. So if it's still bothering you then you should make sure you were clear with him. At the same time what's done is done.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand its probably just banter but the things you described YouWish is what I thought. He tells me I'm over sensitive and I do question it hence the reason for a second opinion but you're right I believe he's trying to make me jealous by bluffing as his quite a jealous person himself. I feel the best move is to ignore him, work on my own self-esteem and tell him to grow up. Many thanks to you all. X x
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female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (27 January 2013):
 Hi
I think it's quite funny, he is saying if nobody else wants him he has a Plan B. I have said the same in the past,if still single at...I wasn't serious,its just something you say to somebody you don't want a relationship with,but like.You don't MEAN it.
If he keeps going on and on about it however,then tell him he doesn't have to wait till 40 he can go now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2013): who has he known the longest? be very careful.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 January 2013):
 I read this a few times and my first thought was that this is the sort of thing people say to each other that they never hope the other takes seriously.
It *is* disrespectful to you for the following reason:
1. He's letting you know subtly that he could have some other girl if he felt like it if you were to rock the boat or take issue with him
2. The "because he's rich and reliable" is also a stupid ego power play because of the message "You're lucky to have someone as good as me".
3. It's a subtle dig at control...as in...you better not have any problem, or he's got other options and will take his money and reliability elsewhere.
This has nothing to do with this other woman and everything to do with his narcissism and need to keep the lion's share of power balance in the relationship. It's a "You need me, but I don't need you" thing.
The truth is, if he has to say something like that, then it's not true. He's lucky to have you, OP, and he doesn't want you to figure it out. Chances are, this other woman would think twice before going through with it, because he's not all that.
It's also telling that he told you that SHE would want him. Notice he didn't say that the other way around, or "We're each other's back-up choice"? That to me validates the whole statement of ego and power thing.
Tell him he's full of crap, and that you'd rather be with a guy without a back-up plan and who doesn't hedge his bets, because he's pretty lucky to have you.
Remember, if that other woman was so much of a better option, the guy wouldn't be with you. Don't fall for the game because it's a bluff!
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (26 January 2013):
 Well it depends on whether or not he was serious or making a light hearted comment on something he's jokingly discussed with his friend.
The fall back thing with the other woman is most unlikely to happen and I think that, even if they are both unmarried at 40, they won't suddenly make a dash for the registry office or altar.
I don't think you should perceive this as a threat. It's insensitive, yes, but unless he gave the impression that he's deadly serious about it, or you are a committed couple with firm plans for the future, I don't think you should worry.
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (26 January 2013):
I think this is not that serious. It's something that was in several movies and TV shows, and started people joking and talking about it. It doesn't mean that they will marry each other. It doesn't even mean that they want to. If they wanted to be together and get married, they either would be already or they would at least be dating.
It's more of a, "well, if we both can't find somebody else, then let's just settle down together so we don't end up alone."
Hopefully he isn't continuously bringing it up with you or her though. It WOULD be disrespectful if they continued to joke about getting married while you two are in a relationship.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (26 January 2013):
I don't see it as being disrespectful at all, it just sort of a tradition among friends of the opposite sex. It usually amounts to nothing but talk.
I had a back up buddy or whatever they're called when I was in my 20's and it wasn't something either one of us took seriously. We're now both happily married to other people.
It's basically just them saying if all else fails this is how we avoid being alone the rest of our life. He's obviously with you hoping things don't fail, otherwise he wouldn't even be with you. And they obviously don't want to be together or they would be now.
I think Janniepeg is reading WAY to much into this, as are you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2013): I know a lot of people with arrangements like this but it's very rarely a serious thing. I definitely don't know anyone who has followed through on it. This type of thing usually comes about between 2 people who like each other enough as friends but that's all, and they agree to settle for each other if they never meet anyone better. If they wanted each other like that they would have got together a long time ago, so I really don't think you need to worry.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (26 January 2013):
 Yes it is disrespectful to you. Marriage is like a business transaction to him. The other woman wants to play around until she is too old then she wants to settle down. You are a back up girl when the other woman decides she doesn't want to marry him for money and stability. By the way there is nothing reliable about him here. He is her financial back up and you are his emotional back up. Even if there is a marriage (I don't know to who) you can't guarantee that he won't run back and forth between you two, or more women. He really think that because he is rich, then women would flock to him when it's time to settle down. It's sad to know that 40 is the cut off point to stop having fun. It makes life very mechanical. When young, screw all you want and when you are old you make sure you retire with a lot of money.
I know money is important. You can't escape the money talk in relationships. He needs to have tact and realize that the way he talks he is treating people like objects.
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A
female
reader, AProblemShared +, writes (26 January 2013):
 I'd be annoyed that he didn't understand why it bothered me. He should have some consideration for your feelings and make it clear that although it may have been a funny idea at the time, your being serious now. Of course though, if it's all in innocence you have nothing to worry about. I hope this helps and I wish you well.
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