A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A couple of months after I was dumped by my ex, I began a relationship with Mr New. He's tall and handsome, but the thing that I was attracted to first was how we could talk to one another. This relationship started about a year ago... beginning of 2012. It's had it's ups and downs... but to be very honest, I think it's been mainly downs.That's what I want to talk about, and I would appreciate your opinions on the events which have transpired in our relationship. My primary concern is whether or not it's been MY perceptions on things which have creative my negative outlook on this relationship, or if there are genuine problems we won't be able to work out.So, just to give you a little background on my state of mind when I began the relationship with Mr New, I had just been dumped. I had been in a relationship for two years, and was desperately in love. When he broke up with me I was heart broken, devastated, whatever you want to call it, it was a massive shock to the system, since our relationship has been nigh on perfect... the only problems we'd ever faced were 'Oh I don't think your mums being very fair' or 'come on, you really don't want to come out tonight?'. Minor things.Anyway. My heart was sliced in two.On the shaky road to recovery, I came into contact with Mr New, via my sister, since they were friends. We talked, got on well, and over a period of time went out together, and got closer, until he asked me for confirmation as to whether we were in a relationship or not (him obviously hoping the answer to be yes). I agreed, and we were both quite happy.Now, a year later, there's been a lot of problems. Mr New's temper is awful, his empathy is minimal, and his involvement with me is on his terms.Since being together, he's only taken me out a handful of times. He's secretive, and when I ask him straightforward questions, like 'where did you go last night, did you have a nice time?' he's avoidant and awkward, but always makes it seem like I'm the one in the wrong because I shouldn't ask in the first place.He seems very controlling, as he can't stand it when I do things off my own back when I'm staying at his, even if it's something small like turning on the television, or something any normal person would do by themselves, such as choose what clothes to where.The other day, I was in a public space, wearing jeans, and a normal top. I was standing, and he was walking towards me several yards away. I hoisted up my jeans as they were a little low, and naturally wiggled a bit to do so, and then sat down. He arrived, and looked so angry I swear he was going to hit something. He grabbed my arm and came close to my ear, and said 'If you're going to do something like that, then go somewhere private, or so no one can see!! Alright?!' I was confused, and quite honestly a little shaken by how angry he seemed. I realized that he was angry at how by me pulling up my jeans you could basically see my legs and bum, though through the jeans. Is this fair?He doesn't like makeup on women in general, but with me, although I don't wear make up anyway, if there's a slight hint I might, he gets very moody, and pissed off looking.I think there's a couple of major issues you ought to know, too.Mr New hates Mr Ex. Not just because of how he made me feel after he broke up with me, but for the simple fact we had a relationship. I thinks that it's so important he can get over the fact that I've been with someone... but instead he has a chip on his shoulder. I mean what does he want?? An 'untainted' virgin with no previous love life? Mr New says that he gets upset about it, because he believes Mr Ex gave me what he couldn't, and that Mr Ex had me first.Naturally, I end up feeling horrible, because I'm made to feel like my sex life before Mr New was dirty and wrong.It's hard to know what to do with Mr New. I've fallen in love with him, there's no doubt... But my concerns and fears over what's transpired between us, and his temper (which has traumatized me on occasion), makes it hard for me to answer 'yes' to a 'do you love me?' question, for the simple fact that I'm scared to admit I do because it keeps me committed, and I don't want to admit to loving someone, when I might have to pull myself away from a relationship that's making me unhappy.Please help me make sense of all this. What should I do? He's really quite bad, a lot of the time. But there's NO DOUBT, I mean it, that he loves me, but there's also NO DOUBT that he treats me badly.Mr New is not as kind, or as outwardly loving as Mr Ex, but with Mr New, there is so much more depth to our relationship, and I truly feel that if a break up happened now... I would do more than struggle to cope.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 January 2013):
 " It's hard to know what to do with Mr. New..." Echoing Patches 242 : SERIOUSLY ? I'd say it 's nice and clear cut , instead : there's only one thing to do. Dump him.
Unless you are such a glutton for punishment that you lap up psychological abuse...
A
female
reader, Patches242  +, writes (27 January 2013):
 Seriously? Turn and run! You are very young and obviously inexperienced in relationships. He has issues that were clearly there long before you came in the picture. He is victimizing you...taking advantage of your weaknesses to get his power-trip, controlling rocks off! He probably doesn't even know why. But GUARANTEED he knows he's this way...because was he like this when you first met? No! Invariably he pointed at you, finding blame towards you for his need to be controlling...these are serious warning signs of escalating abuse. Please break up. He will more likely become physically abusive...he already grabbed u in public and scolded you- like that is okay behavior!!!
Break up now. You cannot fix him. People can only change themselves and they have to be extremely committed and it takes years! Just the fact that he already blames you for every problem and scolds you unreasonably -- it's not good. I'm scared for your safety in the long-run.
Good luck, please focus on being happy and staying safe. As you move through life it's much easier and confidence building if you just cut things off that are destructive, or once you recognize these types of serious warning signs.
Don't be an abused woman: emotionally or physically.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2013): OP, I think you should try reading your question, as if someone else asked it, and in a fair and gentle manner think about what advice you would give her.
In my opinion, this man is controlling and will become emotionally (if he's not already) or physically abusive. I don't think anyone deserves to be treated the way he's treating you and I think this is something 'male anon' has completely missed in his answer; it is NOT ok or normal for any man to treat you this way. You are a person, not an object for mr. New to own.
Lastly I think you'd be pleasantly suprised with how much of a relief it'll be when you dump him, the only reason you think you won't be able to cope is because he's made you think that you need him, which couldn't be further from the truth.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt +, writes (26 January 2013):
 I actually was a "Mr New" same feelings and everything, however,as the poets all seem to agree,love conquers all. Ergo, if he truely loves you he'll get over it(the non-virgin part) but, he'll never forget it. Sorry, it's just not possible to forget that those intimate things you do for him he knows you probablly did before to Mr ex. So sincerity is important. If you're looking to keep him interested, you will have to be intimate on steroids to make a believer out of him.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (26 January 2013):
 Mr New is the following:
- secretive
- controlling
- aggressive
- jealous
He treats you badly and makes you unhappy.
To me, as an outsider, he sounds awful. I think you actually *could* cope with breaking up, and it might be a huge relief; Mr New sounds incredibly controlling.
Take some time to yourself and consider what you really want and what you feel you deserve in life.
Get advice and support from your family and friends, or even a counsellor.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (26 January 2013):
Anonymous male states that nearly all men want a virgin for a wife, and I have to disagree. Sure many do. But many don't as well. Do we want a woman that's been around the world? Not usually, because the perception might be that she can't be with only one guy, or might be too easily tempted, or whatever. Stability is important in a marriage or LTR and if a woman has been with too many men she may not be seen as being stable.
However, I don't think that most men expect you to be a virgin, and most don't even care. In fact I know a number of men that would prefer if you weren't, simply because they don't want their woman to get to a point in their life where they start wondering if marrying the first guy they slept with was a good decision... a "what else is out there" kind of thing. If you've been with a few guys then you can be more comfortable with your decision.
Being a jealous dickhead isn't normal or excusable.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2013): Unvarnished truth...almost all men want a virginal woman for a LTR or wife. Right or wrong doesn't matter it is just a fact. Men as they age are faced with the reality that it becomes increasingly difficult to find a virginal woman so they accept the next best thing...a non-promiscuous woman. You can call it ego, it really doesn't matter your opinions on the fairness of this all, but it is the cold hard truth. Once you accept this then you can work with him. He is jealous of Mr. EX and why wouldn't he be? You even say here you were in love MR. EX. Why did you move so quickly to MR. NEW?Mr. New probably loves you deeply which is WHY he gets angry. Trust me if he felt nothing he would NOT get angry.You sound like you love this guy too. You must work this out by talking to each other. Let HIM read this post. Then talk about it.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (26 January 2013):
You're asking what you should do, but you say that you would more than struggle to cope if you broke up. But clearly you can't spend the rest of your life with this guy as he's clearly a jerk.
I think if you feel you couldn't handle a break up you should go to counseling. That fear is probably carried over from your last relationship more than anything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2013): Please get out of this relationship as soon as you can. This guy is far too controlling and jealous for it to work and he will only get worse over time. Trust me, he is displaying seriously angry behaviour towards you which is only a small step away from physical violence. I know you love him and it will hurt at first, but it will be worth it so you can find someone who truly loves and respects you. You should NEVER feel scared of your partner.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 January 2013):
 There are two issues in this relationship, when combined together it's just not good. Maybe he is feeling that he is your rebound, and that you got with him to stop the feeling of emptiness. He is controlling. I don't blame you for not feeling in love with him. If you break up with him you should feel freedom, not struggle.
What he has is called retroactive jealousy. He either deals with it or gives up and find a virgin. My advice to non married people is that you separate ways. Let him have that chance to find that virgin because if you married him, he misses out on that chance, you also miss the chance to find a man without these issues. Usually men with retroactive jealousy are forced to get over it especially if they have had many partners before, and they are not going to find virgins who also accept their past. Or they have 3+ children and don't want to break up a family over this. Men with little experience will not want to get over it, when they are still young and have time to find virgins. Honestly, I feel that he will do better in a place where women are covered up with burkas and veils.
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