A
female
age
36-40,
*urly8829
writes:For those that dont judge...rape...i was just raped by my boyfriend of 3 years. We have 2 sons together. One that is 6 years old and another who is 2 and a half. We had a few drinks (him a lot and myself a few). He wasnt okay with me saying no to sex. He was drunk and i didnt want to. I said now and tried moves to stop him or get him to pas out but he still did. The kida were in the next room so i didnt want to make a fuss. This isnt the first time he has been "abusive" to me. I have put restaining orders on him before for physical abuse. Well i just seem to keep taking him back. This also isnt the first time i have been assulted (not by him). Why ia it okay if your together? at least in his mind? what should i do? and going to the cops or my parents are not an option in my situation. Its not as easy as to tell him to get out either. I would like some hard advice on what to do. Please before i spend my whole life in this same situation!
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (19 June 2010):
 You need to be firm with yourself that (1) You DO NOT deserve to be abused, (2) Your kids DO NOT deserve to be raised in an abusive environment. You keep going back, so what's so different now? What is missing in you that makes you keep re-entering an abusive situation? It's like a child that puts his hand on a hot stove, and after the pain and blisters disappear, "oh that was cool, lets do it again." They don't do that, but in a way, that's what you're doing.
You understand you are teaching your precious children that abuse is okay. That, this is how men and women interact together. They are learning how to develop relationships from your relationship. Is this what you want them to grow up learning? "She said no, but no means yes" attitude. Rape can happen in relationships as well. You wanted it hard. Nothing is harder than realizing by staying, you are considered an unfit parent. (not meaning sexual, using the word hard) Even in our government, the highest court has stated, if your partner is abusive and you know this, and you choose to stay, you are then considered unfit as a parent. (United States Supreme Court) It's viewed as a loving parent protects their children, therefore, would not expose them to this type of environment, or will remove the children to protect them from such exposure.
I was in a relationship where my ex was abusive. I'm not in it any more. In our situation, a mental disorder was cause for the abuse. My view is, if a team of psychologist came over and said their is a 99% possibility she is cured, it's that 1% I cannot risk, being a single parent and knowing how such behavior affects my children. My daughter 6 at the time came in and woke me up, when I looked at her she said, "good, your awake, I thought ----- stabbed you." She'd never threatened to. My daughter simply expressed the situation in words she knew how to. Not saying a stabbing would happen, but relating the anger to being the equivalent.
You need to be first and foremost a mother. That is so much more important than being someone's lover. You should never have to compromise yourself or your body in a relationship. You're not their property. Get out of this situation, then I think you need to focus on yourself and your kids for a while. Jumping into another relationship right away will only increase your chances of finding the same thing you're in now. You need time for healing and rebuilding your self esteem. Seek counseling or a life coach to assist you if you feel you need to. When you're stronger, you'll raise kids who we be stronger developed as well. Seek assistance from friends, family, law enforcement or a victims advocate. You need to get information to end it with the least amount of violence caused by it. If he can rape you without feeling guilty for hurting you, he's capable of doing more.
Be safe. I hope this helps.
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (19 June 2010):
 You need to find yourself a women's shelter. They won't force you to go to the cops or your parents, they provide a safe place to stay and counseling. You can also be around other women with children in your situation. Women's shelters are a wonderful thing. Please find yourself one and consider going to the police once you're out. You should be really proud of yourself for wanting to get out and doing something about it. Check out this page for more help:
http://www.ndvh.org/
Best wishes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2010): well to get out safely, you do need to go to the cops. Call them while he's at work or out. Tell them u fear for your safety and that of your kids. Rape is never ok. No means no, whether in a relationship or not. You can be put in a safe house where he will not know where you are. If you really cant go to the cops, find a number of some kind of support place that can shelter you like that. Rape support, anything. Your children should not grow up seeing that kind of behaviour and you need to be safe also. Best of luck
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