A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. But, most of the time I feel as if he's lieing to me. He just doesn't seem to appreciate anything I do. I've tried to talk to him about alot of the things that I'm about to mention. First of all, I'm positive he watches porn. I see it on every technological device he has. I've tried to talk to him about it and in the end I just end up crying because he just makes excuses or walks off, all the while yelling. He use to have a big problem with any type of sexual video, magazine, and he use to fantasize about girls. In the beginning of our relationship he actually showed me one of the video's and it bothered me so I turned it off. I didn't really show any emotion then, I just told him to stop and that he didn't need it anymore. He did stop for a long time, but now he's hiding it from me. I've recently been trying to get him to openly admit it but he acts neutral now since we had a talk about our relationship and I told him all of my feelings about numerous things. Second, he does not show any appreciation at all for the things I've sacrificed and put up with. I was the first girl to openly accept him, the first person really. He was very hated during our high school years and no one really got to know him, they just judged him. He helped me get through a very hard time in my life and I wanted to show him that it was appreciated. Keep in mind, we were just friends at the time. Then, he openly started showing and doing things no one had ever done for me before. I helped him get through several drug addictions and his addiction to games. He's very immature and I've helped him understand things that he wouldn't of. And, I've loved him unconditionally and I never judge him for anything, even if it does hurt me. I never get angry for things he lies about or things he does. His mother and father are divorced and he was greatly abused by his father whenever they were together. His mother's new husband is quite irate at all times and his mother doesn't show him any care. She's very open about a lot of things but she nevers helps him with anything. Example, last Christmas he was having breathing problems because she has 21 chihuahuas and 25 cats and she took her pregnant dog to the vet for a c-section. We both begged her to at least take him to the doctor and that we would pay her back whenever we had the money but she just told him to "Tough it out, you're being a big baby." He cannot show his real side to his father because his father is a very abusive man. Even to me, he tells him to do things behind my back and tells him things like "She's immature and doesn't know anything about life or love. She's a woman for godsake." He also had an extremely bad addiction to stealing. Whenever he would try to steal something I didn't get angry, I would help him realize why it was wrong and what would be the point, he didn't need it anyway. I finally got that through to him but now he's having a problem with again. Recently I broke down and had a talk with him. And, he did listen that time. I told him I would try to deal with all of it and help him as much as I could but I didn't know how long I could stand it. I also asked him if he had anything he needed to tell me and that it would be the best time to do so. And, he did admit that he had done some marijuana. I asked why he didn't tell me immediately and he stated that he was afraid I would get irate like his parents and everyone else. But, all I did was cry and talk to him openly about it. Whenever I asked him why he said it was because he felt like I wasn't paying attention to him, that I wasn't trying hard enough. But, that's all I ever do is try, I'm getting to the point that I just want to give up but I know that I probably never will. I've felt this way before in our relationship but I love him so much, that I don't think that it's possible. I've never done anything behind his back, I tell him everything. He keeps shutting me out and he won't admit anything. I try to give him the benefit of the doubt, always. But, that's pretty hard to do whenever I know that he lies. I can't look the other way anymore. I can't pretend everything is fine, and I just wish he would be honest and open with me. I feel like I am not enough for him anymore. I'm not sure if I can take it. And, understand, I will do anything that it takes to help him. And, I know he has to want to help himself first. But, in order to help him, he needs to come clean and admit all of this. Our talk also contained the fact that he wanted both of us to change but I have been changing for him. I've been more affectionate, I show him that I care more than ever, I give him reasons, I do everything for him. But, he hasn't changed at all, I feel as if he never does anything anymore. The sad part is he's the one who wanted to take the next step. I'm not sure I can take that next step if he doesn't show me that he's willing to change too and make sacrifices. He said that he's made alot of sacrifices for me. But, I don't see any. I don't think he'll ever change honestly. -I'm sorry that this was so long, I think this post was more of a vent for me. It's helped, feel free to share your opinion. It would be greatly appreciated. Especially from people who've been through this or have been going through this type of situation.
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female
reader, mits2b  +, writes (8 May 2009):
i just got out of this relationship with a guy just like thaat ! i felt (and still do) that i gave and gave, did and did, tried and tried but things just changed for a while and then got back to how they were before the fight or talk we had...
im a younger version of you, im actually in highschool and have been with this guy for like 2 and a half years and have broken up twice during that period of time... he sometimes steals too just for fun, his parents are divorced, they have economic problems, he wasn´t honest with me even though i told him everything (he said he didnt told me things because "he forgot about them" which i knew was a lie), he treated me well only when he was in the mood and almost never showed any effort to make me happy, it was more about him being happy and taken care of...
i tried too to show him i cared for him like no one else did and that i loved him sooo much, but i didnt get an answer so i got really really hurt...
he once told me that i had "something missing" meaning he wasnt confortable with who i was anymore, and then i realized that it was because i was trying SO hard to please him and be what he needed that i forgot to take care of myself and to be me..
when i first met him no one liked him and he hated everybody but he cared a LOT about me and he told me everything, then i convinced him to make more friends, talk and let go all his anger, fix his family problems; it worked and now he has a lot of friends and he doesnt have doubts or problems with his parents, only the economic ones, hes a much nicer open person and he doesnt hate the world anymore which made sooo happy.. but later i realized all that anger, all his problems at that point were laid on me, i had to deal with everything he got upset about and he stopped treating me well, he got mad at me all the time, we fought and fought.. i cried almost everyday for several months even though he still loved me, i just couldnt stand all his acctitude changes, all his anger, the arguing, and the giving everything receiving NOTHING.. so i finally broke up with him.. i miss him soo soo much sometimes, but i just couldnt take it anymore... a friend of his told me hes starting to do the blocking himself stuff again and that he was a better person with me... which was sad to hear
i loved him as much as u love your guy and thats why i helped him in the first place, so thats why i have decided to meet other people, take my time, see what i really want in a relationship, and if what i want is to be with my ex i'll do it but being certain that this time im strong enough to take anything for/from him and not change who i am or demand more of what he can offer...
im sorry too i talked so much but reading your story made me feel like someone really understood what ive been going trough for the first time.. thank you :]
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you, i've actually got him to admit some things he's done. and, i've gotten him to at least sit down and listen, it's been hard and i know it'll be hell but i'll try. if it doesn't work, i guess it just isn't meant to be. his loss, my gain, i guess. thank you. :)
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A
male
reader, Tomas +, writes (8 February 2009):
I agree it sounds like this guy has an addictive personality. Addictions provide comfort under stress or boredom, whether drinking, drugs, alcohol, porn, or activities like stealing. They give a blood-rush high for a person that does not know how to get otherwise, and that an addicted person is not comfortable living without.I'd suggest you stop and think about what you want for yourself in terms of a relationship. For example, you might be someone who is attracted to guys who are "damaged". This would allow you to play the good guy in the relationship, have a special role ("the only one who understands"), which would also give you a greater sense of security since you have less competition for being the special one. In theory, you might think this would make you feel generous, valued, and safe. In practice, though, it can make you feel like a helpless, unappreciated martyr. And wanting to be the good guy would make you particularly vulnerable to the "but I need you, you are the only one who understands" hook.Maybe this doesn't apply to you. My point is that you need to ask yourself what you want in a relationship. It would have been very easy to (and someone might still) just respond to your question with a "ditch the loser, he's horrible for you" answer. But this would (a) probably make you defensive of him, focusing only on the ways the relationship makes you feel good, and (b) wouldn't help you avoid getting right back into the same situation with another guy.So I'll offer you the following.People rarely change. When they do, it is because of long-term effort, because of something they really want. It almost never happens in response to threatened losses ("Change or I'm out of here"). That kind of change is only enough, and lasts only as long, as is needed to get back to the status quo. Sorry.Having to do your own cooking and ironing etc is good for making you appreciate when someone else does it for you. But mostly appreciation is an attitude, one that comes out of gratitude for the positive things in the world around you. "She's a woman for godsake" (even if a paraphrase) is a bright red flag. See appreciation, above.I personally know guys who honestly just want to have a woman to cook and clean for them and have sex with them, and bring them beer. And it's not that I want them to be unhappy. But if a woman I cared about considered dating them, I'd sit them down and have a talk with them. Because it is wrong to assume that the things you want out of a relationship are necessarily the same things that a particular guy would, if only you could get him to see that he wanted it.He may want to have his highs, talk and have fun with you, lie as needed to avoid conflict especially with you and his family, play chauvinistic depending on his company and how happy he is with your relationship, be looked after, and treat you well when he's in the mood. You obviously know him better, so you can fill in the right blanks.My question is, is that enough for you? Because if it is not, and you are always pressuring him to change, he will have incentive to lie (to avoid the breakup discussion, which you'll sense and will make you less trusting/more snooping), he'll feel defensive, and may at some point turn nasty when he feels cornered (you: "I found more porn, get rid of the computer or I'm leaving and taking the kid with me", he: "you don't understand me/my dad was right about you/i'm sorry baby i didn't mean it i'll change"). He is who he is, and you can love him and want to help him. But you won't get to be his girlfriend/lover/wife, and someone else's who would treat you differently. So make that list of what you want in a relationship, be honest, and make sure you are willing to do without those things that in your gut you know he will not be.Best of luck to you, hope that helps. You seem like a really kind young woman, if perhaps one not accustomed to standing up strongly for herself. Look after yourself.
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A
female
reader, LoveOnaStick +, writes (8 February 2009):
STEPS1. get him to admit it.(yes, hard, but do it)2. really big board. Each problem is a subcategory, under which you write the steps and encouragement to fix it.3. reward him for the good, punish him for the bad.
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