A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Looking for honest answers here:My boyfriend of 4 years and I have not had sex in more than a month. He was away for 3 and 1/2 week on business, but he's now been back for an entire week.We live together, but the first 2 nights he was back, he stayed at his mother's house. And the next 3, he said he wasn't feeling well. Tonight, he is again at his mother's house.I have asked him if something is wrong. I even asked him if something happened on his business trip and did he sleep with someone else.He says no, but is depressed and having a hard time at work and says he currently has low self esteem. He was physically sick for 2 days.He did ask me if I had been with someone else while he was away (because he knows I went out one night with my friends and got really drunk. He's worried I did something that night). Anyway, opinions? especially committed men...Is it possible he's just "not in the mood" because he's depressed over work situation? Or, do you think he's sleeping with someone else?I'm thinking the worst, but can handle an honest answer.
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at work, depressed, drunk, in the mood, self esteem Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI haven't been "jumping down his throat" or demanding sex. I brought it up once in a calm voice when he was home and avoiding coming to bed. He was stand offish to just my hugs and non sexual affection. It was then that he said he worried I made out with someone else after the recent party. He has always been paranoid with this sort of thing even though I have not cheated. It's part of his lower self esteem.
A
female
reader, LadyCorsair +, writes (8 November 2009):
 This definitely sounds like depression. I had the same problem with my boyfriend, whereby we went on vacation for 2 weeks and only had sex once. Before that, we would go ages without sex, and of course, I'd think it was either me at fault, or there was someone else. Later, it came out that he's incredibly depressed, (see my Q), similarly to your partner; work etc.Is he at his Mom's because you're 'nagging' at him for sex? I did that to my boyfriend and it pushed him away. The best way to handle it is to sit down and talk to him. Tell him he needs to come home and face his problems, and you will help him through them. Maybe he should try therapy? Even going to the doctors and getting some anti-depressants would be a step in the right direction.Help him by doing some job searching for him... point things out you think he would enjoy. Just make him aware that you're there to help him.I've just pretty much answered my own question there too... lolHope that helps,Lady Corsair xxx
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (8 November 2009):
 If he's depressed, or sick, or tired, or worried... that could DEFINITELY kill his libido for a while. While I'm not saying it's impossible that he cheated, and while it's possible he is only depressed because he's guilty of something, that's FAR from the only explanation.
After four years together, you just have to decide whether you trust him or not, and whether you're willing to be supportive of him during his stress even if he's not giving you the sex you want.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2009): I don't think it is a good sign that after 4 years of being together that both of you would question the other about sleeping with someone else just because he was away on business for 3 1/2 weeks.
It is odd that he did not want to have sex with you when he returned, usually that is the first thing a traveling boyfriend wants to do when he returns.
It is also weird he is over at his mother's house.
Does he need his mommy when he is sick?
I wouldn't get all accusatory with him and if he is physically ill and depressed and having a hard time at work, well those would all be reasons he may not feel like having sex.
Give him a little space and a some compassion and understanding. Try to find out what he is depressed about and what his problems are for goodness sake instead of jumping down his throat about not having sex for a month, the majority of which he wasn't even around.
I hope you two can resolve this. But if you push and make him feel guilty the worse it could get and the more he will distance himself from you.
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