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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend has switched from watching amateur to mainstream porn. Why is this?I know I'll get bashed, because I'm the insecure type. I know men will tell me to get over it and quit being such a controlling girlfriend, but hey, I know that and if it were that easy I wouldn't be posting here.When we first talked about porn, he told me he prefered amateur better, that he didn't really like mainstream. I was very relieved, as amateur women look like me. However, last night we talked and he told me he's been watching mainstream now, and when I asked him why he said "I got bored, I don't know". I can only guess it is because he prefers the fake, perfect women. Of course I'm not perfect so I feel undesirable.Two questions. 1) Why did he stop watching amateur and start watching mainstream? Is it because of the girls? Because from what I've seen, mainstream is always the same, whereas amateur offers more variety, IMO. Plus, it's kind of too fake, I mean women squaking like a drunk squirrel the second a penis enters them? How can that be sexy? I could never do that, I can't live up to this so called "fantasy". If he switched because of the girls, then my self esteem will suffer a lot, because honestly, I look nothing like that. That's why I was ok with amateur, it was kind of reassuring that he found women of my type more sexually arousing than some cartoonish bimbo with breasts bigger than I can even dream to have.2) How the hell do I get over this? Please give more advice than "It's just something men do, he loves you and get over it" because I already know that, sorry if it sounds harsh, but really I need a plan.Thanks.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2009): I've been reading the posts here in an effort to get a grip on my own feelings about my partner looking at porn.
In my own case, I didn't find out until I'd already been with him for a couple of years and I loved him for so many other reasons that it was hard to figure out if this was a big enough incompatibility to justify ending things.
We're still together. But it still bothers me.
I think anytime a partner has an active sexual life that is separate from his/her partner, it is a valid reason for the partner to feel distressed.(and I emphasize "active" because most women, even if averse to porn, would find a way to deal with it if it was an occasional thing he did to have an uncomplicated, no strings attached sexual experience)
To make it about my self-esteem or your self-esteem is seriously over-simplifying the issue; and telling women to leave if they don't like it is equally absurd.
I hope you find a plan. I hope you share it here so I can benefit from it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2009): If the pornography bothers you that much, then do what has been suggested and leave him. Some people like chocolate, some people hate it. You might like war films, he might like horror. Simple as that. As he said, he got bored by the amateur porn, as simple as that. Once you have more confidence in your own sex appeal, and the way this guy feels about you, it probably won't bother you so much. He watches porn because he likes sex, not because he wants to replace you with anyone else. It's you he loves, and you he wants to have sex with. But if things in the movies upset you, then maybe some other guy would be more suitable for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): You have a different option. Try not analyzing to death what your boyfriend does. It has nothing to do with you. He is addicted to porn. Why should that effect your self esteem. Instead of analyzing what your boyfriend is doing and why and what it might have to do with you...how about thinking about the fact that you aren't feeling it.....when he looks at porn....Sweetheart, you don't have to put up with it. If he doesn't fit your standards and he is a low life, lazy ass man who would rather live in a fantasy world than have real life sex and a real life relationship with a wonderful you, then kick him to the curb. He is a huge waste of your time. If you don't enjoy watching porn with him regardless of what type it is, then you aren't compatible and that is OK...This is an important thing to learn about him before you invest any more of your heart to this man....he is probably not the man for you....because guess what, there are some decent men out there who are not addicted to porn and want a healthy, mature, loving relationship with the woman of their dreams...and that could be you. So, I pray to you, why are you asking how to put up with this guy, how to keep him, when he is the one who needs to do the things to keep you? That is the real issue.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (30 January 2009):
 I, for one, would MUCH rather have my guy be watching these "perfect women", and I'll tell you why. My guy can tell the difference between one of these fake, clearly slutty, overly plastic surgeried and just a little TOO enthusiastic porn stars and just average, everyday, REAL amateur girls.
I would rather him look at some woman who clearly does not exist than one who actually DOES. You see? Looking at real women who look just like you seems like more of the insult. These are actual possibilities, these are women close to his league!
Now, I for one have always been what seems like abnormally comfortable with porn and my fella. And, I feel like I have a healthy self esteem, my body may not be exactly what I'd like it to be, but it's mine and I like it. I know that my fella is coming to bed with me and it's me he'd rather be with than that porn any day.
I think that your boyfriend isn't pulling his weight here... he's not making you feel like you're as beautiful as you are. He needs to start paying more attention to your esteem needs, I'm thinking. And, perhaps in making you feel better about your sex life with him.
Maybe combine interests - maybe try watching some porn together, one that YOU pick out. I just bought my fella his collection of porn... he's happy because he has porn, I'm happy because I know exactly what he's watching (and secretly, I know I'm way better than they are.). There are lots of creative ways to help you feel better about this situation.
My I've gone on...
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): Oh, I'm the OP.
I know you'll say to him it's meaningless, but why is that the only thing that matters? Why isn't it important that to me it means something and makes me feel a certain way?
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