A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm looking for advice and trying to figure out if I'm being paranoid or not haha. Okay so me and my boyfriend have been together 2 years, live together, have a dog and want a family. We are in love and happy most of the time... Except when it comes to social media and our biggest difference, whether to stay friends with exes or not. Basically I'm not friends with any ex on social media, not because we fell out or anything but out of mutual choice, however my boyfriend is friends with all of his exes and will often like their things and vise versa. I find this hard and upsetting to be honest. I know he loves me and its more about insecurity then trust but I also find it odd. Am I the only one?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (10 January 2021):
 You admit " I know he loves me and its more about insecurity then trust" so have you considered working on your insecurity? Your boyfriend's exes are in his past; you are his present and, hopefully, his future. If you are not certain of him, then please do not start a family in the mistaken assumption this will tie him to you. Babies are hard work and can rip relationships apart. You need to be in a very stable relationship before adding a baby into the mix.
Personally I have no problem with my partner still being friends with both his ex girlfriends. One is the mother of his now adult daughter, the other he has no ties with. I think the fact they are all on good terms, with no animosity towards each other, speaks highly of his character. He doesn't hold grudges and understands completely that sometimes relationships just don't work out. He doesn't do social media but, whenever either of his exes is in the area, they are friendly towards each other and he will even help them if they need his assistance. We had the daughter of one ex stay with us while she was doing a university course locally (he helped raise her as a child but had no regular contact with her since he split up with her mother as they moved out of the area) and we took in the dog of the other ex when she could not longer keep it due to health issues. I get on well with both of them and see no reason he should give them up as friends.
You need to get to the bottom of why your boyfriend's behaviour bothers you and whether you can learn to accept it or whether it is not something with which you want to live. This decision needs to be made BEFORE you consider having a family together. Have you met these girls and tried making friends with them? Would that help at all?
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (10 January 2021):
 As I often do, I agree with Honeypie.
You can't decide, for him or anyone, what is right or wrong and what they or can't do. You can only decide what you're prepared to live with.
I don't think this is something you can live with, and I don't blame you either. If there are no kids involved, having all these exes about just muddies the waters.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 January 2021):
 There isn't just ONE way to live your life. To do most things in life.
For him ( I guess) it feels just right to keep them in his life.
For you, obviously NOT keeping exes in your life is YOUR preference and choice.
It is NOT your job as a GF to decide what is right or wrong for him to do, nor is it your job to dictate whom he can keep as" friends" on social medial.
What you CAN do - is decide ARE you OK with this going forward or not. And if you really aren't (and I don't blame you for that - I find it mostly strange to keep exes in your life if you don't share kids - because really what is the need for that? Surely people can make friends they haven't had a romantic interest in or been sexual with.. right?) If you are not, then I would tell him that you find it to be a deal breaker and that you wish him well.
You have been together for 2 years, so my guess is this isn't NEW behavior, so I have to ask WHY does it bother you NOW? Why didn't it bother you 3-6 months in? And why didn't you end it then if it DID bother you?
Just because YOU don't do something doesn't mean EVERYONE else thinks, feels or DO the same.
Obviously, he doesn't.
Deal breaker? Yes or no?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2021): There's no getting past these popular disclaimers:
"We are in love..."___"I know he loves me..."___"...but I love him!"
Then why don't you trust him?
I've been here on DC for seven years, and I know that women in your age-group (30-35 to 40+), give lousy or questionable boyfriends a lot of leeway, latitude, and wriggle-room. They always have complaints and concerns about his faithfulness and suspicious behavior. It's uncertain what kind of advice they're really expecting, when they are suspicious of his cheating, lying, eye-balling, and blatantly flirting with other women? Keeping his exes in his contacts is another very popular complaint. This keeps women on-edge and suspicious; because there's a lot of phone-interaction, inboxing on FB, texting, social media communication, and "likes" being exchanged. The ladies make sure they provide an abundance of body/booty-shots and cleavage to make their pics interesting. He never seems to miss a single one of them!
Well, either you trust him...or you don't!
He's not going to suddenly dump them all, if he's had them all along; and you're just now deciding it's too much. If you don't trust a guy, I wouldn't recommend pushing-out babies for him!
You can politely ask him to chill-out with all the social media chatter with all his exes; if he's expecting you to have his babies! Otherwise, seriously consider if you'd rather make babies with a guy who loves you enough to put a ring on it, and marry you first! Then have all the babies you both could possibly make! Having babies to solidify relationships that you can't bond with marriage is seen as a trap to most guys! They only want perpetual-girlfriends, but might bailout when they get tired of a faux-marriage and kids. You'll become an instant "single-mom!" He'll find a himself younger female; and then decide to get married...and make more kids. Just hitting you with the reality and usual outcome. Seen it too many times to count!!
You're never going to feel secure knowing he's in-touch with all his former bed-buddies. In serious monogamous-relationships, there's usually comfortable distance from exes-turned-friends; and it's even better when they aren't in the picture at all.
You love him, so trust him, and learn to put-up with his exes-turned-friends. He's a grown-man, and you can't pick his friends. If you know he loves you, I don't see the problem.
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