A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Please could I get some advice on my love life?I'm so torn, basically i've waited years for my boyfriend to propose, in fact i'd more or less given up on the idea and emotionally exited the relationship but now he's suddenly decided he wants to tie the knot.Bit of background - we've been together 15 years. I've always wanted to get married and have kids and made this clear from the off. He didn't want to but failed to actually tell me that. It was a good 4 years in that he decided to let me know. In hind-site I should have walked away then but I didn't.I've been lazily plodding along for recent years, in my mind I was single and I even stopped being intimate with my partner. We get on great and so I stupidly thought that staying with him would do until something better came along. We became best friends who lived together.Well in recent weeks we've gotten really close again, it's as if we're in a new relationship, very touchy feely, communicating really well etcMy problem is that after all these years i'm not actually sure I want to spend my life with him or for a better way to put it - waste any more of my life with him. That sounds harsh I know.The problem is that I have looked elsewhere, i've secretly tried dating sites and told friends about this. Obviously it's difficult to actually date right now and so I haven't gotten last the looking stage. What's got me doubting myself is that blokes nowadays just seem to be after one thing, or just aren't any kind of match for me. It's got me scared senseless to leave my partner as I fear that i'll be throwing away somebody who I get on really well with and who is actually a really kind hearted person, to potentially end up in a toxic relationship or another loveless one.Do you think i'm just being ungrateful with my partner? Should I just throw myself into this and say yes, knowing that what we have is secure?I know i've bought this on myself as I should have been tougher years ago but I intended for it to go this far, I was just too bone idol to break up with him and try dating again to put it bluntly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2021): What you have described in your post is a lovely friendship. You've become complacent and domesticated. Afraid to venture-out into the unknown-world; because at least you know for now, you're in a safe place. He is familiar and convenient; and for the moment, he satisfies your need for male-companionship. You know him inside and out! He knows your quirks and dislikes.
You described a point in the relationship where you felt a small surge of affection for each other; but that might have come from a sense of nostalgia and the holiday spirit. Romances often rekindle during the holidays, or when couples take a vacation; but it starts to fizzle when old realities set-in, and the euphoria wears-off. You were mainly trying to convince yourself that a bird in the hand is better than being out there searching for love; but you have to face the truth. He held-out too long to decide to propose. Why did it take so long to convince this guy you're wife-material??? Has he lost his hair, put on a few pounds, and decided now that he's pushing middle-age he might as well?
I often mention what I call faux-marriages, forever-boyfriends, or perpetual-girlfriends. These are long-term live-in relationships often formed by people for financial-convenience; while leaving themselves a fire exit, or an open-window for a hasty escape, in the event of an abrupt-breakup when things go sour. These are people who are cynical about marriage, believing it will almost certainly end in divorce. Many are uncertain, or don't believe that true-love and faithfulness really exist. A scary number of men are really commitment-phobic; and see marriage as a trap or imprisonment. Their idea of a compromise with their mate is to always keep one foot in the relationship, and one foot out the door. Always ready to react to his fight or flight instinct. An ever-ready exit clause in force, to cancel the deal, thereby reclaiming his freedom and singleness. Just incase something better comes along in the meantime. Yet, some women settle for this kind of man. I don't know how they bring themselves to invest their time, hearts, money, and souls into men like that? They know he fears being stuck with the same vagina for all eternity. I guess they'll settle for living with him, getting pregnant is an option; and getting some of the benefits they would have gotten if he actually did marry them. Forgoing a dream-wedding and bridesmaids; and showing-off her engagement-ring to her envious friends.
Lets do the math. Apparently, you were high school sweethearts. The relationship dates back to your teens. You've stuck it out (maybe on and off?) together ever since. That eliminated the challenge of searching for a mate, and dealing with an assortment of personality-types; or experiencing the sting of rejection. By the same token, you've missed-out on the opportunity and learning-experience of dating; a means by which you can determine those male personality-types that match your personality and temperament best. Also depriving yourself of the independence and experience of being single. Being self-reliant and self-sustaining. You've always had him to lean on. That makes it harder to consider being single in your 30's, when you've always had somebody there. He has been there your entire adult-life!
You both learned to adapt to each-other's ways; but complacency and familiarity isn't a good substitute for love/romance and compatibility. That's comparable to getting along like roommates, or being friends with benefits. I gather from what you've explained, you don't feel passion towards him. You feel as though you're missing-out on life and romance; and in all honesty, you don't want to spend the rest of your life with him. Not as a married-couple.
Truth is, you outgrew your "puppy-love" a long time ago; but you stuck with it, because you were too lazy and afraid to let-go and move on. You are comfortable, but not as fulfilled as you would be had you found someone to fall in-love with in a "mature way." Knowing what you wanted, and making your choice based on confidence and experience; rather than sticking with the familiar to be safe.
Well, you've waited 15 years! There's apparently no hurry to rush to the alter! Give it some considerable thought. Don't just do it to be doing it. Marriage is a serious step, and it should be done without hesitance or second-thought. Most importantly, you should be so deeply in-love with your partner, you would gladly spend the rest of your life with him!
If you have any doubt, hit the brakes! Tell him the truth! This guy altered your life's plans, and took a big chunk out of your life.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (11 January 2021):
 Your boyfriend proposed because he sensed you losing interest. He pulled b ack when you were too hungry. now that you've pulled back, he's pursuing you. Maybe you should be this way in any relationship-let them pursue you.
I don't think you're being ungrateful, but I do think it a bad idea to be searching for a replacement before you and he have officially ended things.
This pandemic, and the social distancing that comes with it might actually be a good thing. You'd need some time on your own after ending things with him, if that's what you choose to do, before investing yourself in a new guy.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (11 January 2021):
 I think that the worst thing you, or anyone can do for that matter is stay with someone because your scared of leaving and starting again.
I think this relationship is done, and I think that in your hear of hearts you already know this. By your own admission you say you have been plodding on for years, and in your mind your already single. Your already looking around on dating sites. So I think you should step up to the plate and finish things with him, sooner rather than later.
I just see the point in going through the motions with someone your just not into anymore. Yes I know its rather a daunting prospect dating again, and yes dating sites are full of people who are just after one thing. But in amongst those players there are some good guy's who are not just after one thing.
I don't think you are being ungrateful to your partner, and I also don't think you should jump back in to it with him again simply because I don't think your feelings are there.
So do what you intended to do years ago and finish things and get on with your life. Work on yourself before you go back out and try dating again. The biggest love you can have is that which you have with yourself. Learn to love yourself again, do things that make your heart sing and start loving life.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (11 January 2021):
 Sometimes it's good to just write it out so you can see the whole story.
What you have written out here is that you are in a sexless love less relationship for 4 years. Now your partner wants to make that relationship permanent. You know that isn't what you want. You have finally realized that as long as you are living with him Nothing is going to come along.
You are right. All you have is security. Without commitment.
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