A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend suffers from low self-esteem. I think it is mostly because of his mom, she's always been really hard on him and used to put him down constantly, telling him he's a screw up and will never amount to anything, terrible things like that.We're both 19 and have been dating for over a year. He is the most amazing guy I have ever met and I love him to death. Lately though, his self-esteem has been really low and he always puts himself down, calling himself ugly, dumb, etc. It makes me so sad to hear these things come out of his mouth. Whenever I compliment him, like if I call him sexy or something that compliments his looks then he gets upset and says that he's not, that he's ugly. I then get upset because I don't know why he thinks that, he's extremely attractive. He thinks I just say the things to be nice but I honestly mean them every single time.I know he's not fishing for compliments, he's always had a poor self-image and low self-esteem. He's also been clinically diagnosed with depression. I hate seeing him so down on himself. I don't know what else I can say to make him feel better, I don't want him to think I'm saying things like that "just to be nice". How can I help raise his self-esteem? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2011): i had this same issue with my mother, she would call me fat and useless and a bitch and pretty much everything that would crush my self esteem. in the end i ended up seeking love from boys who were assholes and simply used me until i found my current bf who i am now engaged to.
The thing that helped me through my issues was how he made me feel, like i mattered and that he believed in me, supported and loved me. i originally dropped out of school due to these issues but with his support i am now studying psychology. Also if you are able to keep him as far away from his mother for as long as possible and therapy is always a good idea.
A
male
reader, spartan117825 +, writes (20 January 2011):
i can relate to ur problem as i too have low self esteem though it was the male half of my family that has branded me a "failure" and have image issues with depression. i also, like him, have a wonderful girlfriend that loves me no matter what. the way to raise his self esteem show that you genuinely love him for what he's worth. Love, as i have found out, can really bring someone back from the dark pit of depression and sadness.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (2 January 2010):
 If he is clinically depressed his view of the world will be altered anyway, so don't blame yourself. All you can do is to reinforce your love for him by doing basically what you are doing now and being a constant and loyal girlfriend who apreciates him.
Not sure if he still sees his mother but in time he will move away from her and her comments and although he probably will never forget what she has said to him in the past,he will eventually see that you are there offering him love and support and he will open up to it.
It's just a matter of time, but you have to be strong and constant in your love.
Aunty Em xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2010): As somebody with these same issues as your boyfriend, I know that my boyfriend probably took the best approach that anybody could. He let me know straight out that he couldn't carry that kind of stress from me, that that wasn't his job and it wasn't in his skill set to coach me through my emotional problems. That might sound harsh, but the fact is, it's true. And if you put yourself in that position you have a bad chance at becoming co-dependent and have a lot of messy issues with your relationship. If you can't love yourself and have compassion for youself, it's hard to be able to do that for other people, at least properly.
I think the best thing you can do is encourage him to see a therapist or counsellor, encourage him to maybe read some books (this might sound really stupid but I know Self Matters by Dr. Phil McGraw actually really helped me, although I don't much like to admit it, lol) but just let him know that you have faith that this is something he can overcome, but that he needs to spread his web of support in order to do that. You're 19, you're not a therapist, and that's what he needs. I honestly think everybody needs therapy at some point or another.
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